There's a lot going on in my world right now. Some really good, some not optimal and some are really hard right now to bear, but the outcome will be really good. I am easily overwhelmed by the magnitude of what lies ahead of me. And before the first tear can even fall, I stop myself. I made a decision a long time ago to follow Jesus. I also told Him that I would do what He asked of me. When I first started out after having made that promise, I tried so desperately to do what He had asked of me in my own strength and I failed. But as I started to learn that I couldn't do the task within myself, the goal was reached.
The obstacles I am facing now, I could easily take the reigns and "fix them" myself. The result would probably be acceptable, but I know, now that it would probably be sub par. It definitely wouldn't be what God wanted. There's a lot of asking "why" while I am facing these obstacles. I do not understand the twists in the path at times. I am confused by other people's behaviors. I am confused by my own reactions.
But here is my revelation for this Friday night, however convoluted the conclusion came to me: in making my decision to follow Him and allowing Him to be Lord of my life, I am not going to understand why the path takes the turns it takes. I think about Much-Afraid being seemingly led away from the High Places when the path turns back on itself and how frustrated and angry and confused she felt {Hinds' Feet on High Places}. She learned in the end that the Shepherd had a reason, but in the moment, it was hard to show grace and obedience. And the second part of this revelation is that (and this is hard to type and to "hear" myself), since I made that decision, that means that I agreed to trust Him. So the pain, confusion, fear, and anger that I am fighting through now, it's part of the ride right now. The good news to that kind of revelation is that Jesus promised to be with us along the way [Isaiah 43, Matthew 11:28-30]. He doesn't leave me to wallow in this forever.
A story comes to mind: Hero was not very motivated to walk. He had been cruising forever and his first birthday came without his having taken a step by himself. So a week after his first birthday, he crawled over to where I was sitting on the floor eating some chocolate pudding. He crawled up on me, and said, "peeze" to make a request for a bite of pudding. Well, I promptly scooted back a few steps. He stood wobbly with a surprised look on his chubby face- "what? you just left me hangin', Momma!" I encouraged him, "take a step! If you want some puddin', come on over here." Well, he took a step. And another. And another. We did this for several turns. He took three steps, he got a bite. Some mothers would call DFACS on me for cruelty, but there comes a point where he needed to be "pushed" a bit. And I think since God wants us to be mature and to bring Him glory He is going to "push" us a bit. I mean, what would the Kingdom of God be like if we all sat around crying for spiritual milk? Dysfunction Junction.
So don't lose hope, and I won't either. It's easy to get down when we are battle worn... I am feeling a bit battle worn some days... But look around to see who the Lord may have put in your path to help you along the way... and look up... He is right there.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
it's the little things
Life gets so overwhelming some times. Is it our culture? Is it our own obsession to be able to say that we can be everything to every body? Is it our need to feel valuable to 30 different people? Is it the American way that if we stop and smell the roses someone will say we are lazy? Or is it that we are afraid of what will happen if we stop for a minute- afraid of our thoughts and what we truly feel?
Well, whatever it is... I have committed this week to resting... I don't even think that I am going to clean the house, ha, ha. We visited the Tennessee Aquarium on Tuesday. It was the most tranquil place. Hero stopped at every exhibit and spent several minutes looking at the fish. I thought several times, "I'd love to know what God was thinking as He made each of these species of animals!"
It was so beautiful and amazing to see animals up close that I'd never see otherwise. I thought, "How is it that the God of the universe cares so lovingly and so carefully for each of these animals (and all their counterparts in the oceans) and yet He cares so lovingly and so carefully for me and mine?" It blew my mind thinking about how God sets all of His creation into motion and He cares about each and every one... And He does the same for all of us. I'm speechless.
Well, whatever it is... I have committed this week to resting... I don't even think that I am going to clean the house, ha, ha. We visited the Tennessee Aquarium on Tuesday. It was the most tranquil place. Hero stopped at every exhibit and spent several minutes looking at the fish. I thought several times, "I'd love to know what God was thinking as He made each of these species of animals!"
It was so beautiful and amazing to see animals up close that I'd never see otherwise. I thought, "How is it that the God of the universe cares so lovingly and so carefully for each of these animals (and all their counterparts in the oceans) and yet He cares so lovingly and so carefully for me and mine?" It blew my mind thinking about how God sets all of His creation into motion and He cares about each and every one... And He does the same for all of us. I'm speechless.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
"One Bitter Root"
Whenever
evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering,
how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one
bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.
Leigh Hunt
English author & editor (1784 - 1859)
The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.
Thomas Merton
US religious author, clergyman, & Trappist monk (1915 - 1968)
Today is September 11, 2011. Ten years ago was September 11, 2000. I was 23 years old. I was working for a private speech-language therapy clinic in Columbus, GA. I was waiting for my first client to show up. But he did not. I did not receive a phone call as to why. As the other speech therapists and I waited for our clients, one mother called. There had been an attack in New York. I think all the other clients cancelled the rest of that day. We found a television and sat and watched as the towers fell. My heart crumpled into a million pieces. That Friday a small group gathered at Christ Community to pray. I needed some comfort and a sense that God was in control. I hated hearing all this "America's turned its back on God" rhetoric. "Not helping," I thought at the time. Every American suffered to some extent on that day.
Today, during the church service at Christ Community, we paused to pay tribute to those who lost their lives and to those who are currently serving our nation and communities. Our pastor made 4 excellent points on the subject of suffering and referenced 2 Corinthians 1:3-5: 1) we all will suffer, 2) God is ready to comfort us in our suffering, 3) the suffering God allows is always purposeful, and 4) we are giving a ministry of comfort (so that we may demonstrate God's love through ministering to those who are hurting).
As he went through each point, I could not help put stop to contemplate my own sufferings. I apologize for the morbidity and bare truth that I am about to share. But it is what it is. Rather is was what it was.
I strangely map the dates that tragic events occur-
-May 26, 1994, my friend was killed in a car accident at 16
-May 12, 2000: my dad walked out on us
-September 22, 2006: I had a miscarriage (then October 17, totaled my car and then November 22, contracted a staph infection)
Each event has a sad story. Each event has a God-story. I think the September 22 event changed me the most. What fascinated me today during the sermon was that I thought about the thousands of ways that God showed His love to me during that event... not so much the tragic nature of it all... but just that in my pain- so deep, so intense, so instinctive- He never left my side. Not for one instant. And how the 4 points that Keith shared with us this morning are so true.
In our pain, there is a choice to be made. It's a hard choice, but it's one that needs to be made. During each of these three sad events of my life, I had to chose to survive. America had to chose to survive these attacks.
Don't think that I'm saying that I snapped my fingers or ran down to the alter and was magically healed. So, the first move was, I chose to eat a meal. Then I chose to go to sleep that night. Then when I woke, despite the breath-taking ache in my heart and my body, I chose to get up and take a deep breath. I chose to brush my teeth. I chose to get dressed. I felt the overwhelming tug of depression wanting to take me under. That's not to say that I didn't allow myself to feel the sadness. Because I did. When I wanted to cry, I cried. When I felt mad, I was angry. When I wanted to not talk about it, I didn't. When I wanted to bury something, I planted a rose bush. I did not ignore my feelings... much to the chagrin of fellow Christians who threw cliches at me like they were putting a blanket on a child with lice. But I was honest with God about how I was feeling.
This is what I learned during and after this time:
--God's ways are not our ways- we don't understand why He allows something to happen. I conceived a child 3 months after I had that miscarriage and carried him to term. He is 4 years old today. No idea why God allowed me to lose the first one. And quiet frankly, no answer is satisfactory to me. Even though I probably would have lost that child in the car wreck the next month... I have a hard time accepting "why" it happened. Because I can't find an answer that satisfies that. That's a question I had to file into the "I'll understand when I get to Heaven." And really the answer is inconsequential at this point. I struggled with the idea that my God, my Abba, was a cruel puppet master. But I came to understand and to know that God was not trying to be cruel... that sometimes bad things happen to good people... that He loved me so very deeply regardless of what life brings to me.
-- that our faulty theology often gets in the way of the true God... we get disappointed in God because bad things happen. My mom used to say, "Life's hard and then you die." It was her way of trying to tell me that sometimes bad things just happen. But we think because we are so cerebral and modern that these things shouldn't happen to us... that because we are Christians that we shouldn't suffer... we should all live in big houses and have expensive cars... have we read the same Bible? It's full of suffering... I can't think of one passage that says, "It was all rainbows and unicorns and bubbles for so-and-so. He sat on his couch and ate bon bons till he died..."
--God never promised us an easy ride... He said He would be with us- even in the valley of the shadow of death.
--God is okay with my "negative" emotions. It doesn't scare Him for me to be sad, angry, depressed, confused, whatever. I think it saddens Him if we stay in this state for long because we miss out on so much staying in this state. But He genuinely wants us to come to Him so He can help us through this.
--Christian cliches are annoying and I try hard to avoid using them now... it's not helpful to hear, "well, God has a reason for this." Not helpful. It's a band aid for the pain when surgery is required. I know that it's said with good intentions for situations that there is really nothing say... but it just caused me more despair to hear it.
--He loves me... Oh, how He loves me... Oh, how He loves me... Oh, how He loves! He proved it when He died on the Cross. Period. Regardless of how this life ebbs and flows. He loves me.
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it" (Keller).
“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” - unknown
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us” - Emerson
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller
"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -Mary Anne Radmacher
Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.
Leigh Hunt
English author & editor (1784 - 1859)
What flowers will the Lord be able to raise in my life from the bitter root of my sufferings? What flowers has He raised already? If nothing else, I have a very deep understanding and knowledge of His love for me. I pray it is so with you.
Leigh Hunt
English author & editor (1784 - 1859)
The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.
Thomas Merton
US religious author, clergyman, & Trappist monk (1915 - 1968)
Today is September 11, 2011. Ten years ago was September 11, 2000. I was 23 years old. I was working for a private speech-language therapy clinic in Columbus, GA. I was waiting for my first client to show up. But he did not. I did not receive a phone call as to why. As the other speech therapists and I waited for our clients, one mother called. There had been an attack in New York. I think all the other clients cancelled the rest of that day. We found a television and sat and watched as the towers fell. My heart crumpled into a million pieces. That Friday a small group gathered at Christ Community to pray. I needed some comfort and a sense that God was in control. I hated hearing all this "America's turned its back on God" rhetoric. "Not helping," I thought at the time. Every American suffered to some extent on that day.
Today, during the church service at Christ Community, we paused to pay tribute to those who lost their lives and to those who are currently serving our nation and communities. Our pastor made 4 excellent points on the subject of suffering and referenced 2 Corinthians 1:3-5: 1) we all will suffer, 2) God is ready to comfort us in our suffering, 3) the suffering God allows is always purposeful, and 4) we are giving a ministry of comfort (so that we may demonstrate God's love through ministering to those who are hurting).
As he went through each point, I could not help put stop to contemplate my own sufferings. I apologize for the morbidity and bare truth that I am about to share. But it is what it is. Rather is was what it was.
I strangely map the dates that tragic events occur-
-May 26, 1994, my friend was killed in a car accident at 16
-May 12, 2000: my dad walked out on us
-September 22, 2006: I had a miscarriage (then October 17, totaled my car and then November 22, contracted a staph infection)
Each event has a sad story. Each event has a God-story. I think the September 22 event changed me the most. What fascinated me today during the sermon was that I thought about the thousands of ways that God showed His love to me during that event... not so much the tragic nature of it all... but just that in my pain- so deep, so intense, so instinctive- He never left my side. Not for one instant. And how the 4 points that Keith shared with us this morning are so true.
In our pain, there is a choice to be made. It's a hard choice, but it's one that needs to be made. During each of these three sad events of my life, I had to chose to survive. America had to chose to survive these attacks.
Don't think that I'm saying that I snapped my fingers or ran down to the alter and was magically healed. So, the first move was, I chose to eat a meal. Then I chose to go to sleep that night. Then when I woke, despite the breath-taking ache in my heart and my body, I chose to get up and take a deep breath. I chose to brush my teeth. I chose to get dressed. I felt the overwhelming tug of depression wanting to take me under. That's not to say that I didn't allow myself to feel the sadness. Because I did. When I wanted to cry, I cried. When I felt mad, I was angry. When I wanted to not talk about it, I didn't. When I wanted to bury something, I planted a rose bush. I did not ignore my feelings... much to the chagrin of fellow Christians who threw cliches at me like they were putting a blanket on a child with lice. But I was honest with God about how I was feeling.
This is what I learned during and after this time:
--God's ways are not our ways- we don't understand why He allows something to happen. I conceived a child 3 months after I had that miscarriage and carried him to term. He is 4 years old today. No idea why God allowed me to lose the first one. And quiet frankly, no answer is satisfactory to me. Even though I probably would have lost that child in the car wreck the next month... I have a hard time accepting "why" it happened. Because I can't find an answer that satisfies that. That's a question I had to file into the "I'll understand when I get to Heaven." And really the answer is inconsequential at this point. I struggled with the idea that my God, my Abba, was a cruel puppet master. But I came to understand and to know that God was not trying to be cruel... that sometimes bad things happen to good people... that He loved me so very deeply regardless of what life brings to me.
-- that our faulty theology often gets in the way of the true God... we get disappointed in God because bad things happen. My mom used to say, "Life's hard and then you die." It was her way of trying to tell me that sometimes bad things just happen. But we think because we are so cerebral and modern that these things shouldn't happen to us... that because we are Christians that we shouldn't suffer... we should all live in big houses and have expensive cars... have we read the same Bible? It's full of suffering... I can't think of one passage that says, "It was all rainbows and unicorns and bubbles for so-and-so. He sat on his couch and ate bon bons till he died..."
--God never promised us an easy ride... He said He would be with us- even in the valley of the shadow of death.
--God is okay with my "negative" emotions. It doesn't scare Him for me to be sad, angry, depressed, confused, whatever. I think it saddens Him if we stay in this state for long because we miss out on so much staying in this state. But He genuinely wants us to come to Him so He can help us through this.
--Christian cliches are annoying and I try hard to avoid using them now... it's not helpful to hear, "well, God has a reason for this." Not helpful. It's a band aid for the pain when surgery is required. I know that it's said with good intentions for situations that there is really nothing say... but it just caused me more despair to hear it.
--He loves me... Oh, how He loves me... Oh, how He loves me... Oh, how He loves! He proved it when He died on the Cross. Period. Regardless of how this life ebbs and flows. He loves me.
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it" (Keller).
“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” - unknown
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us” - Emerson
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller
"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -Mary Anne Radmacher
Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.
Leigh Hunt
English author & editor (1784 - 1859)
What flowers will the Lord be able to raise in my life from the bitter root of my sufferings? What flowers has He raised already? If nothing else, I have a very deep understanding and knowledge of His love for me. I pray it is so with you.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Hope on a Rope (Rahab)
Rahab has always struck me as a fascinating character in the Bible. We are introduced to Rahab in Joshua 2 when the spies that Joshua sent into Jericho find themselves in her home. But Rahab wasn't some preacher's daughter... oh no... she's a prostitute. A woman of ill-repute. Words I won't dare write down here. So this woman who has no reason to think that the God of the universe would spare her life because of her, uhm, past... and probably, present... gives this speech to the spies about how she and her family have heard of the things that their God has been doing and they are afraid... and negotiates a deal with the spies to protect herself and her family (Joshua 2:9-13). So they agree and tell her to put a scarlet cord (pun intended?) out of her window and to gather all her family there so that when the Israelites attack Jericho, they will be safe (Joshua 2:18).
There are times in my spiritual life that I feel like Rahab. In my heart and my head, I've traveled so far from God. I take circumstances in my own hands and then pitch a fit when the results are not optimal. I worry about things that I've done instead of accepting God's grace. Instead of putting my hope on a rope, like Rahab... I take matters into my own hands.
It took me too long to realize what I was doing... even now, with situations, I find myself picking up and worrying about things I don't need to worry about...
My son was so concerned Sunday about the sun being behind the clouds and where was the sun, mommy? He was in a loop about it, asking me about 10 times before I said, "honey, why are you worrying about things you have no control over?" My husband looked at me and said, "there's a sermon right there."
The difference between me and Rahab is that she had nothing to lose. She was a prostitute. Life was not rainbows and unicorns for her as it was. Her town was about to get slaughtered. If she trusted that the Lord would take care of her, she and her family survived. But even if she trusted and they all died... well, worrying about the situation wasn't going to change it... she had nothing to lose by trusting... she put her hope on that rope out the window... that the Lord would honor her faith and her actions. But in America, we've got to save face... we've got to keep up with the Joneses... we've got to pretend we are happy and we've got it all together...I know better than anyone that putting my "hope on a rope" means taking a risk sometimes... being vulnerable (which I hate to be)...
Rahab is mentioned later on in the Bible: Matthew 1: 5 where it's noted that she's one of Jesus's ancestors... which is awesome. And then again in James 2:25-26: "In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."
The moments where I've truly allowed God to be Lord of my life... where I've taken off the car tag that says, "God's my co-pilot" and allowed Him to be Pilot... where I've just sat in His presence and sang songs to Him... when I open my eyes... He's got it all under control...
There are times in my spiritual life that I feel like Rahab. In my heart and my head, I've traveled so far from God. I take circumstances in my own hands and then pitch a fit when the results are not optimal. I worry about things that I've done instead of accepting God's grace. Instead of putting my hope on a rope, like Rahab... I take matters into my own hands.
It took me too long to realize what I was doing... even now, with situations, I find myself picking up and worrying about things I don't need to worry about...
My son was so concerned Sunday about the sun being behind the clouds and where was the sun, mommy? He was in a loop about it, asking me about 10 times before I said, "honey, why are you worrying about things you have no control over?" My husband looked at me and said, "there's a sermon right there."
The difference between me and Rahab is that she had nothing to lose. She was a prostitute. Life was not rainbows and unicorns for her as it was. Her town was about to get slaughtered. If she trusted that the Lord would take care of her, she and her family survived. But even if she trusted and they all died... well, worrying about the situation wasn't going to change it... she had nothing to lose by trusting... she put her hope on that rope out the window... that the Lord would honor her faith and her actions. But in America, we've got to save face... we've got to keep up with the Joneses... we've got to pretend we are happy and we've got it all together...I know better than anyone that putting my "hope on a rope" means taking a risk sometimes... being vulnerable (which I hate to be)...
Rahab is mentioned later on in the Bible: Matthew 1: 5 where it's noted that she's one of Jesus's ancestors... which is awesome. And then again in James 2:25-26: "In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."
The moments where I've truly allowed God to be Lord of my life... where I've taken off the car tag that says, "God's my co-pilot" and allowed Him to be Pilot... where I've just sat in His presence and sang songs to Him... when I open my eyes... He's got it all under control...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Over-stimulated
"Over-stimulated" is a term that it used a lot in the rehab world... "that kid just got over-stimulated by the loud music coming from the gym today." It's a term used a lot in reference to children with autism or sensory integration disorder to help explain behaviors....
but, I use it for myself... Because I am easily over-stimulated. I don't know why I'm like this but I am. Looking at my Myers-Briggs Personality Profile, I am an "ISTJ": "introverted," "sensing," "thinking," and "judging" (and not judging in the way "judging" might be used). "Introverted" has always surprised others but I do get a deep sense of satisfaction spending time by myself. Thank God I married a man who is the same way. It's nothing personal. We joked for a long time that we were misanthropes. But really, we just need a chance to unwind.
Life, by nature, expects us to be 100 things to 100 different people. It's a great deal of pressure at my job, serving as many kids as I'm serving, with people expecting me to "fix" the problem. Then I come home and I put on my mommy hat and my wife hat. When the kid goes to bed, my husband and I often find a place where we can sit and be alone with ourselves. I don't know if that comes from the fact that we were "so" single before we got married. But it's us. And we are fine with that.
So the past 10 weeks of my life have been this roller coaster. Really great things are happening... and really tough emotions to filter through... I am over-stimulated. Starting tomorrow, I am off work for three weeks. And I am going to take every minute of it to decompress and retreat. And I won't apologize for it because the Lord called us to rest... I mean, He set up a whole day for it out of the week... and I don't always take a day out of the week to rest. And I won't let the American culture make me feel guilty for resting. So, yes, I hope to be off the grid for a bit. No, it's nothing personal. I'm going to rest.
but, I use it for myself... Because I am easily over-stimulated. I don't know why I'm like this but I am. Looking at my Myers-Briggs Personality Profile, I am an "ISTJ": "introverted," "sensing," "thinking," and "judging" (and not judging in the way "judging" might be used). "Introverted" has always surprised others but I do get a deep sense of satisfaction spending time by myself. Thank God I married a man who is the same way. It's nothing personal. We joked for a long time that we were misanthropes. But really, we just need a chance to unwind.
Life, by nature, expects us to be 100 things to 100 different people. It's a great deal of pressure at my job, serving as many kids as I'm serving, with people expecting me to "fix" the problem. Then I come home and I put on my mommy hat and my wife hat. When the kid goes to bed, my husband and I often find a place where we can sit and be alone with ourselves. I don't know if that comes from the fact that we were "so" single before we got married. But it's us. And we are fine with that.
So the past 10 weeks of my life have been this roller coaster. Really great things are happening... and really tough emotions to filter through... I am over-stimulated. Starting tomorrow, I am off work for three weeks. And I am going to take every minute of it to decompress and retreat. And I won't apologize for it because the Lord called us to rest... I mean, He set up a whole day for it out of the week... and I don't always take a day out of the week to rest. And I won't let the American culture make me feel guilty for resting. So, yes, I hope to be off the grid for a bit. No, it's nothing personal. I'm going to rest.
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