Advent 2018 is upon us. I’m not feelin’ it this Christmas. I’m
just sayin’. There is so much around me tryin’ to get my focus. And I’m
exhausted.
This fall found us receiving a diagnosis of ADHD for our
youngest child and him attending a special education PK class. So yeah, I work
with special needs kids, but it’s been a new experience with my biological
child having special needs. I’ve felt all the feelings. And I’ve been grieving
some. “But it could be worse,” some of you might say. True. But this is what I’m
feeling. And the events of this fall leading up to here have been somewhat
traumatic.
So. I just read a devotional from Henri Nouwen about Mary
and Elizabeth seeing each other when Mary comes to visit while she’s pregnant
with Jesus. And the waiting of pregnancy.
Pregnancy is often referred to when waiting is mentioned in
the Bible. I’ve been pregnant four times. Every time I go to the doctor and
fill out paperwork, I have to write down that I’ve been pregnant four times and
one ended in miscarriage.
As I read that devotional this morning, I thought about my pregnancy
experiences. And how I knew within a few weeks that I was pregnant. At around 7
weeks, technology was able to reveal the heart beat and a grainy image of the
baby in utero. Around 20 weeks, we have an anatomical scan to rule out problems
and discover the baby’s gender. With Hank, the 20 week ultrasound set off so
many alarms that never came to pass. Since my first pregnancy ended in
miscarriage, the three following pregnancies were anxiety-filled and joy-less.
Thinking about this made me realize something…. The waiting
is so hard because the knowledge that comes with our technology makes it
difficult to wait…. Because this knowledge makes us feel like maybe we should have
some control over the situation… and that makes me not trust in the Lord. [O
Lord, help me]
Why is waiting so hard?
Because Facebook tells me that so-and-so’s prayer’s been
answered already…. Social media tells me that her son’s doing better than mine
is… that they are all winning at life and I’m a loser, baby.
This knowledge (and whether it’s true or not) does to us
what Adam and Eve’s eating the fruit in the garden did to them- takes our
innocence…. Which takes away our ability to trust the Lord. And if I can’t
trust in the Lord, I can’t wait.
So with the new year, this is what I am going to work on…. Not
leaning on my own understandings…. Because the Truth is that God is on the
other side of all this working it out for our good. And I need to wait.
