Tuesday, June 25, 2019

becoming unafraid

fear
grips my chest
steals my breath
blurs my vision

i’m exhausted
being afraid
it’s exhausting
running down a thousand rabbit holes 
looking for you

so i close my eyes
and breathe in
breathe out
i tell the speaker of these thoughts to hush
i’m tired
of being sick and tired

i come to the place where becoming unafraid slips into the thrill of being in His embrace
where the security i searched for
has been in His hands
this whole time
i breathe in this freedom
unafraid of drowning in the river of His grace

i’m at the place where becoming unafraid dissolves into a place where my mind is still and calm

i once was hanging by the thread of His garment
now i am resting in His embrace
becoming unafraid

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

the lesson of the gulf

So a few weeks ago, I told my husband that I wanted to do something adventurous and take our sons camping in Gulf Shores. We had never taken the boys camping. This school year was so difficult personally and professionally. I wanted something exciting and out of the ordinary.

Saturday before the trip found us replacing two tires on our van. We were able to get tires on a Saturday but that incident derailed a lot of other little details... I fought off a panic attack. My panic attacks hurt physically and wipe me out pretty good so fighting it off was a job. Also not planned.

Sunday night dissolved into managing children's behaviors while Heath worked so nothing got packed. NOT IN THE PLANS, y'all.

Monday a.m. we woke, I got a pot of coffee in me, we threw some stuff in the van and hit the road.

The first thing we see at the campsite was a sign that said "do not feed the alligators." That stopped us in our tracks. We had a serious discussion before we got the boys out of the van. But we decided if we were gonna be adventurers we had to go all in. So we did.

Nothing went as planned. I don't know why I am so surprised when things don't go as I plan them. NOTHING goes as planned. EVER. But we really did just roll with the punches. I started thinking of this whole trip as an adventure and to start expecting the unexpected.

But a moment at The Gulf gave me pause.

The Gulf is my favorite restaurant in Orange Beach. It's an outdoor place sitting on the water and just beautiful to me. The sun was shining as we walked up. I took a deep breath in and out and smiled. We ordered our food and sat down. The boys were behaving, my handsome husband was with me, there was a nice breeze.... everything was just amazing.

Then the first pat of rain became a drum beat and the rain started coming in sideways. Thunder, lightening, wind gusts... we retreated closer to the building under the awning. I smiled a weak smile to Heath. We settled in for the rain. An employee asked if we wanted the food to go... I said we were going to eat it there ... I was determined to spend some time in my favorite spot! Even in the rain.

I started to pray a prayer with a familiar cadence: "Hey, God, uhm, remember yesterday when I prayed for no more rain? Uh why is the exact opposite of my prayers always seem to be happening?!"

My eyes caught a boat fighting to come in off the water. Everything felt so chaotic. The rain and wind was kicking up an awful noise. I could barely see the water with the rain coming down. People were rushing and fussing near us. The sky was dark and gray. The clouds were like pulled out cotton balls that had found themselves in the hands of a chubby two year old.

I glanced to my boys who were uncharacteristically calm. I glanced back to the water. I watched the waves...
... there was a pattern there... there was a rhythm. The rain banging on the tin roof was actually pounding out a melody. The wind added in the harmony. And I realized in that moment that what I perceive as chaos is actually very controlled in God's hands. I was witnessing His creation first hand and how it was responding to His voice. Not one wave rolled without being told to do so. Not one gust was wind blew two inches in the other way. Every rain drop landed right where it was mean to.

It was scary and unsettling... but that was because I wanted to control the weather in that moment. Because in my head, rain would ruin my lunch at my favorite restaurant.
But the vision of this moment... seeing each component individually stripped of the rest... I saw God's hand.... I imagined God at that moment with hair like Bob Ross and a large paintbrush asking me to be patient as He painted this moment for me to know that what I see as chaos and unfavorable conditions is His art.

So it is with the circumstances I am facing.... at home.... at work.... at Walmart....

If I truly pray the prayer that never fails, there will be peace and fulfillment of His promises in this chaos.

So I prayed the prayers that never fails... I asked the Lord to continue to help me to see the beauty in the storms of my life and to love me anyway.

The rain stopped before our food was ready. We wiped down the tables and I ate an amazing meal.

Before we left, we were able to have a picture made as a family of five. That's a big deal for us.

So: God's got this.

What's the prayer that never fails, you ask? "Thy will be done."

the role of a lifetime

here’s life: I went to a new track tonight to walk. Hank was with us - I told Heath to go ahead of us so he could get a good walk in - I figured Hank and I could enjoy exploring a new spot. Heath soon became a distant figure ahead. Hank started to become slower so I picked up Hank and carried him for as long as I could carry him. My pace became not much more than a crawl. But I dug my heels in and carried his little 40 pound self up a hill and around a curve.
I passed a lady. She was a hard working woman. Her workout clothes were old and worn out. And she was working hard to put some past behind her. We saw each other from afar. As we passed, she offered me a nod and a slight smile as if to say I remember those days...
Hank and I plodded along.
We soon passed a pair of ladies- carefully manicured and pedicured, expensive jewelry, hair and make up carefully in place... I offered a weak smile- they seemed appalled to see me carrying my kid... at my labored pace... at my deliberate breathing... but they don’t know my story... and I could read theirs in the 3 seconds that we shared air space... they were too afraid of losing everything to enjoy the way the light spilled over the pine trees and the smell of freshly cut grass...
too scared of the struggle... to know the glory...
After that I alternated carrying Hank and having him walk beside me... which he did... without running away...
I thought about the two encounters and how that’s just how life is... everyone is so worried about being left behind - left out - fall short - but this. this is MY story. This role is the one the Lord wrote with ME for the part. So yes I’m gonna struggle up the hill carrying my 5 year old in my arms while others sprint around me... because this is MY path right now.
And I’m gonna remember the faces I pass that offer me a sign of solidarity and encouragement. And I’m gonna pity the women who snide at me because they will never know the glory of accomplishing something after being told “you can’t. you won’t.”
My whole life has been about proving the world wrong. And I’m not gonna stop now.
Heath got to the jeep and doubled back to pick us up. Look for those people too. The people who will double back and pick you up.
No, I can’t move fast right now. I have a little fella who stops and plays with his shadow and analyzes the sunlight streaming through the trees at sunset... and oh how beautiful it was to stop and appreciate God’s creation... and I’m gonna carry him as far as he needs me to... I have people who give me invisable high fives... and Heath will always double back for me. That’s the important stuff that life is made out of.