2011 has been an interesting year for us: I've never felt my faith so tested and shaped before... never before have I felt that so much that I've been learning has finally made it to my spiritual DNA... never before have I ever felt the enemy aggravating me and poking at me... 2011 started out at Christ Community with a declaration: we were breaking through our own curses and issues and breaking out of our church walls to make Kingdom changes. Heath and I looked at each other during those first few sermons: yeah, this is what we wanted for ourselves and for our child. But we had (and have) a bit of work to do. The enemy has been on our heels to keep us bound by the issues and thought processes that have kept us down for so long- the fear, poor self-esteem, lack of resources, etc... 2011 has been a year of fighting- fighting against the American "dream" (more like nightmare), fighting against what others think we should do and think and feel, fighting against ourselves and our past...
Of course, I am not saying that I've got it all together at this point. I wish that I could be quicker to get off of a mental hamster-wheel when people hurt me... I wish that when people do hurt me that I could be quicker to allow them back in to my life. I am working to pray for these people instead of avoiding them-- which is what I want to do... I am also currently 28 weeks pregnant and have had to fight against all kinds of fear due to my past and present- and it's been kind of amazing at how people do not understand or give me the grace that I require to get through these 9 months. Many times after a church service, I think, can I just set up a tent over there in the corner of the fish bowl and live here for a while so I don't have to take these darts and stings for a bit? So that's hard-- just honestly, hard when people look at me like I have 3 heads instead of just letting me get in a good space in my head and stay there so I am not wracked with fear for 40 long weeks. I don't know how many "where's your faith?" comments I got... uhm, apparently we have a different definition of "faith."
I'm not proud of these things... but I know that there are others out there struggling with these kinds of issues... it's just where I'm at... and I'm asking for the grace to get through these next few weeks until baby's due date. 2011 has been a year of introspection- of realizing what I'm ready to work on and let go of- of realizing why I am the way I am- and of being okay with that until I am ready to peel back another layer of my own insecurities and deal with the issues underneath- or until the Lord sees that I'm ready.
As far as ministry goes, my husband continues to work on his "Heath and the Checker Shoe Band" ministry. From the puppet team and music to the television show, he's been really busy and I've been amazed at what the Lord has created through him. This is a note from Heath:
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The Santa Complex
So I've got this new theory... and it's totally unfounded... and something that I'm just starting to formulate, but here it is: I call it "The Santa Complex."
Too many times over this holiday, I have heard other adults tell my child, or I have said myself "you better behave, Santa's watching you." It struck me yesterday afternoon as I said this again to my son as he was misbehaving. I started thinking about the child who remarked to me, "I'm gonna be good because I want Santa to come visit me."
I mean, the idea is good, after all, and based on positive reinforcement which I use with every kid that I come in contact with. You do something good... you get a prize...
But there was a time in my life where I knew that I did and said all the right things and yet, bad things happened to me. I couldn't get my head wrapped around it. The theology of it all didn't make sense. Grace and mercy were preached to me and yet, we all expected life to be easy-breezy if we followed the 10 Commandments.
Is the reason that we all struggle with our negative feelings and say out loud, "I know that I shouldn't feel this way" is because we have The Santa Complex? That if we feel or think one little bitty thing out of line that "Santa won't come to see us", in a sense? That Jesus will abandon us if we feel feelings that are natural and even appropriate for a bad situation?
I'm not encouraging us to wallow in our pain or issues (nor am I talking about our sins that we have to suffer the consequences of)... but I am saying that I've come to a point in my life where I realize that I wasted a lot of time ignoring negative emotions when I could have just processed them and moved on.
I am just wondering if we, as Christians, shoot ourselves in the foot by perpetuating the myth about Santa... even as adults, do we cling to the idea that life is supposed to be without trouble and pain because we "do the right thing?"
I have no real resolution to this issue... because I still feel guilty about feeling sad or angry or hurt over situations from time to time. I am currently overwhelmed about this phase of my life and then I feel guilty because I'm overwhelmed with a lot of good stuff... how crazy does that sound? (don't answer that)
BUT despite my shortcomings, I know that God loves me very much and that He is very near to me during this time of my life and that He will take care of all that I cannot take care of.
Merry Christmas to you all!
Friday, December 9, 2011
setting boundaries is not a sin -or- a few of my favorite things
so follow me down this rabbit hole... the past 24 hours has been filled with people just spouting off at me... evidently, there are people that I run across who are in a pressure cooker and like to blow up. I'm happy to say that I am at a point in my life where those things no longer bother me like they used to... yes, I do perseverate on those events for a bit, but not like I used to. Lately, I found myself feeling sorry for those people and wishing that we could all be happy and grasp God's love for us. And I thought, Okay, no more analyzing your own response, Buffy, to see if you could have done anything different... those people wanted to pop off and there is nothing you can do to change their behavior... boundaries are important and setting them is not a sin (yes, I talk to myself quite a big... but it's mostly pep talks).
And don't ask me why, but as I thought about these things on my way home from school, I crossed the bridge from Georgia into Alabama. And when I saw the Christmas decorations in Phenix City, for some reason, I thought about that song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music and how it's funny that that is sometimes classified as a Christmas song... And I thought, Yes! I will think about all the good things in life! And not dwell on the sour events of the day!
Then, I thought, what a great topic for my blog: a few of my favorite things! So in no particular order (and I will probably have to do a part 2)- These are a few of my favorite things!
1. chips and salsa from El Vaquero - and a bowl of cheese dip just for fun (its #1 just because I am thinking about going to get some)
2. my brita water bottle : saves me a ton of money on bottled water because the filter is in the nozzle - http://www.brita.com/products/filtering-bottle/brita-bottle/
3. Star Wars - mostly the original trilogy stuff... Anakin and Padme just get on my nerves
4. music- I love to sing: it makes me feel better. I don't know what part of the brain gets activated when I sing, but it must be my happy zone.
5. my Nook- it's pretty slick
6. a good pair of shoes
7. Perrier water
8. Footique in Columbus, GA... such a lovely nail salon http://footique.com/
9. Sunday's: it's where I get my hair cut... and it smells like willow bark
10. my Liquid Gold Face Rejuvenating Serum From Southern Belle Soap out of Warm Springs, GA and the Calendula soap they make: http://sbsoap.com/shopping/index.php It's a goat farm out in Warm Springs and they make all these different kinds of lovely soaps out there. The Liquid Gold is wonderful too!
Okay so that's the short list and TOTALLY not exclusive... I will probably come back to this topic because it's fun to think about lovely things... and forget about all the sour people out there.
And don't ask me why, but as I thought about these things on my way home from school, I crossed the bridge from Georgia into Alabama. And when I saw the Christmas decorations in Phenix City, for some reason, I thought about that song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music and how it's funny that that is sometimes classified as a Christmas song... And I thought, Yes! I will think about all the good things in life! And not dwell on the sour events of the day!
Then, I thought, what a great topic for my blog: a few of my favorite things! So in no particular order (and I will probably have to do a part 2)- These are a few of my favorite things!
1. chips and salsa from El Vaquero - and a bowl of cheese dip just for fun (its #1 just because I am thinking about going to get some)
2. my brita water bottle : saves me a ton of money on bottled water because the filter is in the nozzle - http://www.brita.com/products/filtering-bottle/brita-bottle/
3. Star Wars - mostly the original trilogy stuff... Anakin and Padme just get on my nerves
4. music- I love to sing: it makes me feel better. I don't know what part of the brain gets activated when I sing, but it must be my happy zone.
5. my Nook- it's pretty slick
6. a good pair of shoes
7. Perrier water
8. Footique in Columbus, GA... such a lovely nail salon http://footique.com/
9. Sunday's: it's where I get my hair cut... and it smells like willow bark
10. my Liquid Gold Face Rejuvenating Serum From Southern Belle Soap out of Warm Springs, GA and the Calendula soap they make: http://sbsoap.com/shopping/index.php It's a goat farm out in Warm Springs and they make all these different kinds of lovely soaps out there. The Liquid Gold is wonderful too!
Okay so that's the short list and TOTALLY not exclusive... I will probably come back to this topic because it's fun to think about lovely things... and forget about all the sour people out there.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Poison -or- protecting the Fruits of the Spirit
People can say some of the vilest things. And I know that I say things that are out of line- I KNOW that I THINK things that are out of line- so I'm not just pointing the finger here without seeing the three pointed back at me.
Recently, I have had a rash of boundary-crossing, bordering-on-rude, passive-aggressive-Southern-belle-mean-girl, "thank you, Captain Obvious" remarks made to me that I have had a hard time letting go of. And the hardest part is that most of these people call themselves Christians.
People use Christians as the basis for not accepting Christianity. I've talked about this before on my soap box- I mean, blog - and it's something that use to make me angry towards Christians. Now it's just breaking my heart-- That a person doesn't want to experience the goodness of God because some Christian is being a cotton-headed ninny-muggins (yea, I used an "ELF" reference). And that a Christian doesn't realize what he is doing by acting like he does.
Several events recently have just made me want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I feel like I am in high school again and people are just saying things to be mean. And I'm disappointed because these people call themselves Christians. And they are attacking their own Family. But they don't see it like that. They don't see any harm in the things that they say. Or how it is affecting other people. For whatever reason, they are just trying to be funny or make conversation. But it hurts. And I have been letting it be poison to the Fruits of The Spirit that are growing in my life... which ticks me off because the Lord has really been showing me some awesome stuff and growing some cool fruit in my life.
After the church's musical last night, I had the privilege of speaking to a friend who reminded me that I should pray for these people who are "attacking" me. It was nice that I could be honest and say, "It's really hard for me just to walk away from them and to remember that what they say is a reflection of THEM and that their words about me are not true." She advised me that the Bible says to PRAY FOR THEM. "It's not easy, but the Lord says it's the way to get through those situations."
Okay, so I figured it couldn't hurt to pray for these people and just in today, this is what I realized in this experiment:
1. Some Christians use Christianity as fire insurance - they have not been taught that there is more to being a Christian than just a get-out-of-hell-free card.... and that's sad.
2. I am responsible for my actions and my response to people... not for their actions.
3. That I don't have to allow these words to poison the Fruits of the Spirit in me... that I can protect the Fruits of the Spirit with the Armor of God.
So this is a work in progress... and I don't have it right off the bat. This is gonna have to be a new chromosome that gets grafted into the DNA of my spirit, body and soul. This revelation was kinda mind-blowing.
I just hope that I can remember it tomorrow.... :)
Recently, I have had a rash of boundary-crossing, bordering-on-rude, passive-aggressive-Southern-belle-mean-girl, "thank you, Captain Obvious" remarks made to me that I have had a hard time letting go of. And the hardest part is that most of these people call themselves Christians.
People use Christians as the basis for not accepting Christianity. I've talked about this before on my soap box- I mean, blog - and it's something that use to make me angry towards Christians. Now it's just breaking my heart-- That a person doesn't want to experience the goodness of God because some Christian is being a cotton-headed ninny-muggins (yea, I used an "ELF" reference). And that a Christian doesn't realize what he is doing by acting like he does.
Several events recently have just made me want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I feel like I am in high school again and people are just saying things to be mean. And I'm disappointed because these people call themselves Christians. And they are attacking their own Family. But they don't see it like that. They don't see any harm in the things that they say. Or how it is affecting other people. For whatever reason, they are just trying to be funny or make conversation. But it hurts. And I have been letting it be poison to the Fruits of The Spirit that are growing in my life... which ticks me off because the Lord has really been showing me some awesome stuff and growing some cool fruit in my life.
After the church's musical last night, I had the privilege of speaking to a friend who reminded me that I should pray for these people who are "attacking" me. It was nice that I could be honest and say, "It's really hard for me just to walk away from them and to remember that what they say is a reflection of THEM and that their words about me are not true." She advised me that the Bible says to PRAY FOR THEM. "It's not easy, but the Lord says it's the way to get through those situations."
Okay, so I figured it couldn't hurt to pray for these people and just in today, this is what I realized in this experiment:
1. Some Christians use Christianity as fire insurance - they have not been taught that there is more to being a Christian than just a get-out-of-hell-free card.... and that's sad.
2. I am responsible for my actions and my response to people... not for their actions.
3. That I don't have to allow these words to poison the Fruits of the Spirit in me... that I can protect the Fruits of the Spirit with the Armor of God.
So this is a work in progress... and I don't have it right off the bat. This is gonna have to be a new chromosome that gets grafted into the DNA of my spirit, body and soul. This revelation was kinda mind-blowing.
I just hope that I can remember it tomorrow.... :)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Lost
During these past few weeks, I've realized that I feel a bit lost... it's not a bad kind of "lost" -- just one that if not addressed and attended to, I could become bitter at my current role in life. Which I do NOT want to do. I struggled with this when I was first married and had a whole new role added to "Me." It was daunting trying to figure out what was expected of "Me." And I find the same is true with becoming a mother. Both of these roles, I cherish. When I was 18 years old, I never, ever thought I would be married... and I never thought I would have children... And I recognize those two blessings... despite the fact that I whig out a bit at change. Okay, whig out a bunch at change. I do seriously get petrified sometimes.
But at this point, I feel so lost because I've been so down in my body for 23 weeks... and I've got 17 more to go in this pregnancy. I won't complain about the pain I am feeling because I know that for every refluxed moment, baby's just kicked the crap out of me... and that makes me smile. The morning sickness, the nausea... are all working together for an amazing miracle (now, there's a sermon right there).
So I've vowed to find myself again in some things that I LOVE to do... since I can't sing for a bit (sciatic nerve pain), I've turned to painting and to Star Wars and to discovering new music and books (which I am working to find time to do for that last one)... so here's my latest art piece as a Christmas present to my hubby.
I am finding the fine art of confessing my fears to the Lord about this time of my life and allowing Him to minister to me through my friends and church and family and music... yes, it hurts... yes, the past month of my life has been filled with a ton of inconveniences (which adds more worry and fears)... but He is near and I am at peace...
But at this point, I feel so lost because I've been so down in my body for 23 weeks... and I've got 17 more to go in this pregnancy. I won't complain about the pain I am feeling because I know that for every refluxed moment, baby's just kicked the crap out of me... and that makes me smile. The morning sickness, the nausea... are all working together for an amazing miracle (now, there's a sermon right there).
So I've vowed to find myself again in some things that I LOVE to do... since I can't sing for a bit (sciatic nerve pain), I've turned to painting and to Star Wars and to discovering new music and books (which I am working to find time to do for that last one)... so here's my latest art piece as a Christmas present to my hubby.
I am finding the fine art of confessing my fears to the Lord about this time of my life and allowing Him to minister to me through my friends and church and family and music... yes, it hurts... yes, the past month of my life has been filled with a ton of inconveniences (which adds more worry and fears)... but He is near and I am at peace...
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Thanksgiving Tree
I'll admit straight off in this blog that holidays are particularly difficult for me. And for lots of different reasons that I don't really want to dredge up right this minute. So having a son who is ALL about the holidays... well, it is forcing me to get over my hang-ups so that he can have a good time. Halloween this year was really enjoyable for him and he is getting super-excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up...
But the last two weeks in the Williamson household have been full of circumstances that have not been convenient and are most certainly worrisome. We are down to one vehicle which is hard with us working the split-schedule that we do... a beloved family member is ill and in the hospital... and loads of other worries piling on top of the other...
But on Friday, we went to an ultrasound appointment to have a routine check on baby boy and were informed that all is well with him. We breathed a deep sigh of relief and on the way home, started counting all the things we had to be thankful for.
So I have this idea and we are starting a new tradition in the Williamson household-- I put up my little Christmas tree this afternoon with no lights and no ornaments... every night we are going to name something we are thankful for... and we are going to write those things on index cards and tuck the cards away in the branches of the tree. That way, as we approach the end of the year, we are careful to pause and be cognizant of our blessings... even when it may seem that we are cursed.
Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
Psalm 103: 1-2
But the last two weeks in the Williamson household have been full of circumstances that have not been convenient and are most certainly worrisome. We are down to one vehicle which is hard with us working the split-schedule that we do... a beloved family member is ill and in the hospital... and loads of other worries piling on top of the other...
But on Friday, we went to an ultrasound appointment to have a routine check on baby boy and were informed that all is well with him. We breathed a deep sigh of relief and on the way home, started counting all the things we had to be thankful for.
So I have this idea and we are starting a new tradition in the Williamson household-- I put up my little Christmas tree this afternoon with no lights and no ornaments... every night we are going to name something we are thankful for... and we are going to write those things on index cards and tuck the cards away in the branches of the tree. That way, as we approach the end of the year, we are careful to pause and be cognizant of our blessings... even when it may seem that we are cursed.
Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
Psalm 103: 1-2
Friday, October 14, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Decisions, decisions...
There's a lot going on in my world right now. Some really good, some not optimal and some are really hard right now to bear, but the outcome will be really good. I am easily overwhelmed by the magnitude of what lies ahead of me. And before the first tear can even fall, I stop myself. I made a decision a long time ago to follow Jesus. I also told Him that I would do what He asked of me. When I first started out after having made that promise, I tried so desperately to do what He had asked of me in my own strength and I failed. But as I started to learn that I couldn't do the task within myself, the goal was reached.
The obstacles I am facing now, I could easily take the reigns and "fix them" myself. The result would probably be acceptable, but I know, now that it would probably be sub par. It definitely wouldn't be what God wanted. There's a lot of asking "why" while I am facing these obstacles. I do not understand the twists in the path at times. I am confused by other people's behaviors. I am confused by my own reactions.
But here is my revelation for this Friday night, however convoluted the conclusion came to me: in making my decision to follow Him and allowing Him to be Lord of my life, I am not going to understand why the path takes the turns it takes. I think about Much-Afraid being seemingly led away from the High Places when the path turns back on itself and how frustrated and angry and confused she felt {Hinds' Feet on High Places}. She learned in the end that the Shepherd had a reason, but in the moment, it was hard to show grace and obedience. And the second part of this revelation is that (and this is hard to type and to "hear" myself), since I made that decision, that means that I agreed to trust Him. So the pain, confusion, fear, and anger that I am fighting through now, it's part of the ride right now. The good news to that kind of revelation is that Jesus promised to be with us along the way [Isaiah 43, Matthew 11:28-30]. He doesn't leave me to wallow in this forever.
A story comes to mind: Hero was not very motivated to walk. He had been cruising forever and his first birthday came without his having taken a step by himself. So a week after his first birthday, he crawled over to where I was sitting on the floor eating some chocolate pudding. He crawled up on me, and said, "peeze" to make a request for a bite of pudding. Well, I promptly scooted back a few steps. He stood wobbly with a surprised look on his chubby face- "what? you just left me hangin', Momma!" I encouraged him, "take a step! If you want some puddin', come on over here." Well, he took a step. And another. And another. We did this for several turns. He took three steps, he got a bite. Some mothers would call DFACS on me for cruelty, but there comes a point where he needed to be "pushed" a bit. And I think since God wants us to be mature and to bring Him glory He is going to "push" us a bit. I mean, what would the Kingdom of God be like if we all sat around crying for spiritual milk? Dysfunction Junction.
So don't lose hope, and I won't either. It's easy to get down when we are battle worn... I am feeling a bit battle worn some days... But look around to see who the Lord may have put in your path to help you along the way... and look up... He is right there.
The obstacles I am facing now, I could easily take the reigns and "fix them" myself. The result would probably be acceptable, but I know, now that it would probably be sub par. It definitely wouldn't be what God wanted. There's a lot of asking "why" while I am facing these obstacles. I do not understand the twists in the path at times. I am confused by other people's behaviors. I am confused by my own reactions.
But here is my revelation for this Friday night, however convoluted the conclusion came to me: in making my decision to follow Him and allowing Him to be Lord of my life, I am not going to understand why the path takes the turns it takes. I think about Much-Afraid being seemingly led away from the High Places when the path turns back on itself and how frustrated and angry and confused she felt {Hinds' Feet on High Places}. She learned in the end that the Shepherd had a reason, but in the moment, it was hard to show grace and obedience. And the second part of this revelation is that (and this is hard to type and to "hear" myself), since I made that decision, that means that I agreed to trust Him. So the pain, confusion, fear, and anger that I am fighting through now, it's part of the ride right now. The good news to that kind of revelation is that Jesus promised to be with us along the way [Isaiah 43, Matthew 11:28-30]. He doesn't leave me to wallow in this forever.
A story comes to mind: Hero was not very motivated to walk. He had been cruising forever and his first birthday came without his having taken a step by himself. So a week after his first birthday, he crawled over to where I was sitting on the floor eating some chocolate pudding. He crawled up on me, and said, "peeze" to make a request for a bite of pudding. Well, I promptly scooted back a few steps. He stood wobbly with a surprised look on his chubby face- "what? you just left me hangin', Momma!" I encouraged him, "take a step! If you want some puddin', come on over here." Well, he took a step. And another. And another. We did this for several turns. He took three steps, he got a bite. Some mothers would call DFACS on me for cruelty, but there comes a point where he needed to be "pushed" a bit. And I think since God wants us to be mature and to bring Him glory He is going to "push" us a bit. I mean, what would the Kingdom of God be like if we all sat around crying for spiritual milk? Dysfunction Junction.
So don't lose hope, and I won't either. It's easy to get down when we are battle worn... I am feeling a bit battle worn some days... But look around to see who the Lord may have put in your path to help you along the way... and look up... He is right there.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
it's the little things
Life gets so overwhelming some times. Is it our culture? Is it our own obsession to be able to say that we can be everything to every body? Is it our need to feel valuable to 30 different people? Is it the American way that if we stop and smell the roses someone will say we are lazy? Or is it that we are afraid of what will happen if we stop for a minute- afraid of our thoughts and what we truly feel?
Well, whatever it is... I have committed this week to resting... I don't even think that I am going to clean the house, ha, ha. We visited the Tennessee Aquarium on Tuesday. It was the most tranquil place. Hero stopped at every exhibit and spent several minutes looking at the fish. I thought several times, "I'd love to know what God was thinking as He made each of these species of animals!"
It was so beautiful and amazing to see animals up close that I'd never see otherwise. I thought, "How is it that the God of the universe cares so lovingly and so carefully for each of these animals (and all their counterparts in the oceans) and yet He cares so lovingly and so carefully for me and mine?" It blew my mind thinking about how God sets all of His creation into motion and He cares about each and every one... And He does the same for all of us. I'm speechless.
Well, whatever it is... I have committed this week to resting... I don't even think that I am going to clean the house, ha, ha. We visited the Tennessee Aquarium on Tuesday. It was the most tranquil place. Hero stopped at every exhibit and spent several minutes looking at the fish. I thought several times, "I'd love to know what God was thinking as He made each of these species of animals!"
It was so beautiful and amazing to see animals up close that I'd never see otherwise. I thought, "How is it that the God of the universe cares so lovingly and so carefully for each of these animals (and all their counterparts in the oceans) and yet He cares so lovingly and so carefully for me and mine?" It blew my mind thinking about how God sets all of His creation into motion and He cares about each and every one... And He does the same for all of us. I'm speechless.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
"One Bitter Root"
Whenever
evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering,
how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one
bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.
Leigh Hunt
English author & editor (1784 - 1859)
The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.
Thomas Merton
US religious author, clergyman, & Trappist monk (1915 - 1968)
Today is September 11, 2011. Ten years ago was September 11, 2000. I was 23 years old. I was working for a private speech-language therapy clinic in Columbus, GA. I was waiting for my first client to show up. But he did not. I did not receive a phone call as to why. As the other speech therapists and I waited for our clients, one mother called. There had been an attack in New York. I think all the other clients cancelled the rest of that day. We found a television and sat and watched as the towers fell. My heart crumpled into a million pieces. That Friday a small group gathered at Christ Community to pray. I needed some comfort and a sense that God was in control. I hated hearing all this "America's turned its back on God" rhetoric. "Not helping," I thought at the time. Every American suffered to some extent on that day.
Today, during the church service at Christ Community, we paused to pay tribute to those who lost their lives and to those who are currently serving our nation and communities. Our pastor made 4 excellent points on the subject of suffering and referenced 2 Corinthians 1:3-5: 1) we all will suffer, 2) God is ready to comfort us in our suffering, 3) the suffering God allows is always purposeful, and 4) we are giving a ministry of comfort (so that we may demonstrate God's love through ministering to those who are hurting).
As he went through each point, I could not help put stop to contemplate my own sufferings. I apologize for the morbidity and bare truth that I am about to share. But it is what it is. Rather is was what it was.
I strangely map the dates that tragic events occur-
-May 26, 1994, my friend was killed in a car accident at 16
-May 12, 2000: my dad walked out on us
-September 22, 2006: I had a miscarriage (then October 17, totaled my car and then November 22, contracted a staph infection)
Each event has a sad story. Each event has a God-story. I think the September 22 event changed me the most. What fascinated me today during the sermon was that I thought about the thousands of ways that God showed His love to me during that event... not so much the tragic nature of it all... but just that in my pain- so deep, so intense, so instinctive- He never left my side. Not for one instant. And how the 4 points that Keith shared with us this morning are so true.
In our pain, there is a choice to be made. It's a hard choice, but it's one that needs to be made. During each of these three sad events of my life, I had to chose to survive. America had to chose to survive these attacks.
Don't think that I'm saying that I snapped my fingers or ran down to the alter and was magically healed. So, the first move was, I chose to eat a meal. Then I chose to go to sleep that night. Then when I woke, despite the breath-taking ache in my heart and my body, I chose to get up and take a deep breath. I chose to brush my teeth. I chose to get dressed. I felt the overwhelming tug of depression wanting to take me under. That's not to say that I didn't allow myself to feel the sadness. Because I did. When I wanted to cry, I cried. When I felt mad, I was angry. When I wanted to not talk about it, I didn't. When I wanted to bury something, I planted a rose bush. I did not ignore my feelings... much to the chagrin of fellow Christians who threw cliches at me like they were putting a blanket on a child with lice. But I was honest with God about how I was feeling.
This is what I learned during and after this time:
--God's ways are not our ways- we don't understand why He allows something to happen. I conceived a child 3 months after I had that miscarriage and carried him to term. He is 4 years old today. No idea why God allowed me to lose the first one. And quiet frankly, no answer is satisfactory to me. Even though I probably would have lost that child in the car wreck the next month... I have a hard time accepting "why" it happened. Because I can't find an answer that satisfies that. That's a question I had to file into the "I'll understand when I get to Heaven." And really the answer is inconsequential at this point. I struggled with the idea that my God, my Abba, was a cruel puppet master. But I came to understand and to know that God was not trying to be cruel... that sometimes bad things happen to good people... that He loved me so very deeply regardless of what life brings to me.
-- that our faulty theology often gets in the way of the true God... we get disappointed in God because bad things happen. My mom used to say, "Life's hard and then you die." It was her way of trying to tell me that sometimes bad things just happen. But we think because we are so cerebral and modern that these things shouldn't happen to us... that because we are Christians that we shouldn't suffer... we should all live in big houses and have expensive cars... have we read the same Bible? It's full of suffering... I can't think of one passage that says, "It was all rainbows and unicorns and bubbles for so-and-so. He sat on his couch and ate bon bons till he died..."
--God never promised us an easy ride... He said He would be with us- even in the valley of the shadow of death.
--God is okay with my "negative" emotions. It doesn't scare Him for me to be sad, angry, depressed, confused, whatever. I think it saddens Him if we stay in this state for long because we miss out on so much staying in this state. But He genuinely wants us to come to Him so He can help us through this.
--Christian cliches are annoying and I try hard to avoid using them now... it's not helpful to hear, "well, God has a reason for this." Not helpful. It's a band aid for the pain when surgery is required. I know that it's said with good intentions for situations that there is really nothing say... but it just caused me more despair to hear it.
--He loves me... Oh, how He loves me... Oh, how He loves me... Oh, how He loves! He proved it when He died on the Cross. Period. Regardless of how this life ebbs and flows. He loves me.
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it" (Keller).
“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” - unknown
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us” - Emerson
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller
"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -Mary Anne Radmacher
Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.
Leigh Hunt
English author & editor (1784 - 1859)
What flowers will the Lord be able to raise in my life from the bitter root of my sufferings? What flowers has He raised already? If nothing else, I have a very deep understanding and knowledge of His love for me. I pray it is so with you.
Leigh Hunt
English author & editor (1784 - 1859)
The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.
Thomas Merton
US religious author, clergyman, & Trappist monk (1915 - 1968)
Today is September 11, 2011. Ten years ago was September 11, 2000. I was 23 years old. I was working for a private speech-language therapy clinic in Columbus, GA. I was waiting for my first client to show up. But he did not. I did not receive a phone call as to why. As the other speech therapists and I waited for our clients, one mother called. There had been an attack in New York. I think all the other clients cancelled the rest of that day. We found a television and sat and watched as the towers fell. My heart crumpled into a million pieces. That Friday a small group gathered at Christ Community to pray. I needed some comfort and a sense that God was in control. I hated hearing all this "America's turned its back on God" rhetoric. "Not helping," I thought at the time. Every American suffered to some extent on that day.
Today, during the church service at Christ Community, we paused to pay tribute to those who lost their lives and to those who are currently serving our nation and communities. Our pastor made 4 excellent points on the subject of suffering and referenced 2 Corinthians 1:3-5: 1) we all will suffer, 2) God is ready to comfort us in our suffering, 3) the suffering God allows is always purposeful, and 4) we are giving a ministry of comfort (so that we may demonstrate God's love through ministering to those who are hurting).
As he went through each point, I could not help put stop to contemplate my own sufferings. I apologize for the morbidity and bare truth that I am about to share. But it is what it is. Rather is was what it was.
I strangely map the dates that tragic events occur-
-May 26, 1994, my friend was killed in a car accident at 16
-May 12, 2000: my dad walked out on us
-September 22, 2006: I had a miscarriage (then October 17, totaled my car and then November 22, contracted a staph infection)
Each event has a sad story. Each event has a God-story. I think the September 22 event changed me the most. What fascinated me today during the sermon was that I thought about the thousands of ways that God showed His love to me during that event... not so much the tragic nature of it all... but just that in my pain- so deep, so intense, so instinctive- He never left my side. Not for one instant. And how the 4 points that Keith shared with us this morning are so true.
In our pain, there is a choice to be made. It's a hard choice, but it's one that needs to be made. During each of these three sad events of my life, I had to chose to survive. America had to chose to survive these attacks.
Don't think that I'm saying that I snapped my fingers or ran down to the alter and was magically healed. So, the first move was, I chose to eat a meal. Then I chose to go to sleep that night. Then when I woke, despite the breath-taking ache in my heart and my body, I chose to get up and take a deep breath. I chose to brush my teeth. I chose to get dressed. I felt the overwhelming tug of depression wanting to take me under. That's not to say that I didn't allow myself to feel the sadness. Because I did. When I wanted to cry, I cried. When I felt mad, I was angry. When I wanted to not talk about it, I didn't. When I wanted to bury something, I planted a rose bush. I did not ignore my feelings... much to the chagrin of fellow Christians who threw cliches at me like they were putting a blanket on a child with lice. But I was honest with God about how I was feeling.
This is what I learned during and after this time:
--God's ways are not our ways- we don't understand why He allows something to happen. I conceived a child 3 months after I had that miscarriage and carried him to term. He is 4 years old today. No idea why God allowed me to lose the first one. And quiet frankly, no answer is satisfactory to me. Even though I probably would have lost that child in the car wreck the next month... I have a hard time accepting "why" it happened. Because I can't find an answer that satisfies that. That's a question I had to file into the "I'll understand when I get to Heaven." And really the answer is inconsequential at this point. I struggled with the idea that my God, my Abba, was a cruel puppet master. But I came to understand and to know that God was not trying to be cruel... that sometimes bad things happen to good people... that He loved me so very deeply regardless of what life brings to me.
-- that our faulty theology often gets in the way of the true God... we get disappointed in God because bad things happen. My mom used to say, "Life's hard and then you die." It was her way of trying to tell me that sometimes bad things just happen. But we think because we are so cerebral and modern that these things shouldn't happen to us... that because we are Christians that we shouldn't suffer... we should all live in big houses and have expensive cars... have we read the same Bible? It's full of suffering... I can't think of one passage that says, "It was all rainbows and unicorns and bubbles for so-and-so. He sat on his couch and ate bon bons till he died..."
--God never promised us an easy ride... He said He would be with us- even in the valley of the shadow of death.
--God is okay with my "negative" emotions. It doesn't scare Him for me to be sad, angry, depressed, confused, whatever. I think it saddens Him if we stay in this state for long because we miss out on so much staying in this state. But He genuinely wants us to come to Him so He can help us through this.
--Christian cliches are annoying and I try hard to avoid using them now... it's not helpful to hear, "well, God has a reason for this." Not helpful. It's a band aid for the pain when surgery is required. I know that it's said with good intentions for situations that there is really nothing say... but it just caused me more despair to hear it.
--He loves me... Oh, how He loves me... Oh, how He loves me... Oh, how He loves! He proved it when He died on the Cross. Period. Regardless of how this life ebbs and flows. He loves me.
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it" (Keller).
“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” - unknown
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us” - Emerson
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller
"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -Mary Anne Radmacher
Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.
Leigh Hunt
English author & editor (1784 - 1859)
What flowers will the Lord be able to raise in my life from the bitter root of my sufferings? What flowers has He raised already? If nothing else, I have a very deep understanding and knowledge of His love for me. I pray it is so with you.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Hope on a Rope (Rahab)
Rahab has always struck me as a fascinating character in the Bible. We are introduced to Rahab in Joshua 2 when the spies that Joshua sent into Jericho find themselves in her home. But Rahab wasn't some preacher's daughter... oh no... she's a prostitute. A woman of ill-repute. Words I won't dare write down here. So this woman who has no reason to think that the God of the universe would spare her life because of her, uhm, past... and probably, present... gives this speech to the spies about how she and her family have heard of the things that their God has been doing and they are afraid... and negotiates a deal with the spies to protect herself and her family (Joshua 2:9-13). So they agree and tell her to put a scarlet cord (pun intended?) out of her window and to gather all her family there so that when the Israelites attack Jericho, they will be safe (Joshua 2:18).
There are times in my spiritual life that I feel like Rahab. In my heart and my head, I've traveled so far from God. I take circumstances in my own hands and then pitch a fit when the results are not optimal. I worry about things that I've done instead of accepting God's grace. Instead of putting my hope on a rope, like Rahab... I take matters into my own hands.
It took me too long to realize what I was doing... even now, with situations, I find myself picking up and worrying about things I don't need to worry about...
My son was so concerned Sunday about the sun being behind the clouds and where was the sun, mommy? He was in a loop about it, asking me about 10 times before I said, "honey, why are you worrying about things you have no control over?" My husband looked at me and said, "there's a sermon right there."
The difference between me and Rahab is that she had nothing to lose. She was a prostitute. Life was not rainbows and unicorns for her as it was. Her town was about to get slaughtered. If she trusted that the Lord would take care of her, she and her family survived. But even if she trusted and they all died... well, worrying about the situation wasn't going to change it... she had nothing to lose by trusting... she put her hope on that rope out the window... that the Lord would honor her faith and her actions. But in America, we've got to save face... we've got to keep up with the Joneses... we've got to pretend we are happy and we've got it all together...I know better than anyone that putting my "hope on a rope" means taking a risk sometimes... being vulnerable (which I hate to be)...
Rahab is mentioned later on in the Bible: Matthew 1: 5 where it's noted that she's one of Jesus's ancestors... which is awesome. And then again in James 2:25-26: "In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."
The moments where I've truly allowed God to be Lord of my life... where I've taken off the car tag that says, "God's my co-pilot" and allowed Him to be Pilot... where I've just sat in His presence and sang songs to Him... when I open my eyes... He's got it all under control...
There are times in my spiritual life that I feel like Rahab. In my heart and my head, I've traveled so far from God. I take circumstances in my own hands and then pitch a fit when the results are not optimal. I worry about things that I've done instead of accepting God's grace. Instead of putting my hope on a rope, like Rahab... I take matters into my own hands.
It took me too long to realize what I was doing... even now, with situations, I find myself picking up and worrying about things I don't need to worry about...
My son was so concerned Sunday about the sun being behind the clouds and where was the sun, mommy? He was in a loop about it, asking me about 10 times before I said, "honey, why are you worrying about things you have no control over?" My husband looked at me and said, "there's a sermon right there."
The difference between me and Rahab is that she had nothing to lose. She was a prostitute. Life was not rainbows and unicorns for her as it was. Her town was about to get slaughtered. If she trusted that the Lord would take care of her, she and her family survived. But even if she trusted and they all died... well, worrying about the situation wasn't going to change it... she had nothing to lose by trusting... she put her hope on that rope out the window... that the Lord would honor her faith and her actions. But in America, we've got to save face... we've got to keep up with the Joneses... we've got to pretend we are happy and we've got it all together...I know better than anyone that putting my "hope on a rope" means taking a risk sometimes... being vulnerable (which I hate to be)...
Rahab is mentioned later on in the Bible: Matthew 1: 5 where it's noted that she's one of Jesus's ancestors... which is awesome. And then again in James 2:25-26: "In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."
The moments where I've truly allowed God to be Lord of my life... where I've taken off the car tag that says, "God's my co-pilot" and allowed Him to be Pilot... where I've just sat in His presence and sang songs to Him... when I open my eyes... He's got it all under control...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Over-stimulated
"Over-stimulated" is a term that it used a lot in the rehab world... "that kid just got over-stimulated by the loud music coming from the gym today." It's a term used a lot in reference to children with autism or sensory integration disorder to help explain behaviors....
but, I use it for myself... Because I am easily over-stimulated. I don't know why I'm like this but I am. Looking at my Myers-Briggs Personality Profile, I am an "ISTJ": "introverted," "sensing," "thinking," and "judging" (and not judging in the way "judging" might be used). "Introverted" has always surprised others but I do get a deep sense of satisfaction spending time by myself. Thank God I married a man who is the same way. It's nothing personal. We joked for a long time that we were misanthropes. But really, we just need a chance to unwind.
Life, by nature, expects us to be 100 things to 100 different people. It's a great deal of pressure at my job, serving as many kids as I'm serving, with people expecting me to "fix" the problem. Then I come home and I put on my mommy hat and my wife hat. When the kid goes to bed, my husband and I often find a place where we can sit and be alone with ourselves. I don't know if that comes from the fact that we were "so" single before we got married. But it's us. And we are fine with that.
So the past 10 weeks of my life have been this roller coaster. Really great things are happening... and really tough emotions to filter through... I am over-stimulated. Starting tomorrow, I am off work for three weeks. And I am going to take every minute of it to decompress and retreat. And I won't apologize for it because the Lord called us to rest... I mean, He set up a whole day for it out of the week... and I don't always take a day out of the week to rest. And I won't let the American culture make me feel guilty for resting. So, yes, I hope to be off the grid for a bit. No, it's nothing personal. I'm going to rest.
but, I use it for myself... Because I am easily over-stimulated. I don't know why I'm like this but I am. Looking at my Myers-Briggs Personality Profile, I am an "ISTJ": "introverted," "sensing," "thinking," and "judging" (and not judging in the way "judging" might be used). "Introverted" has always surprised others but I do get a deep sense of satisfaction spending time by myself. Thank God I married a man who is the same way. It's nothing personal. We joked for a long time that we were misanthropes. But really, we just need a chance to unwind.
Life, by nature, expects us to be 100 things to 100 different people. It's a great deal of pressure at my job, serving as many kids as I'm serving, with people expecting me to "fix" the problem. Then I come home and I put on my mommy hat and my wife hat. When the kid goes to bed, my husband and I often find a place where we can sit and be alone with ourselves. I don't know if that comes from the fact that we were "so" single before we got married. But it's us. And we are fine with that.
So the past 10 weeks of my life have been this roller coaster. Really great things are happening... and really tough emotions to filter through... I am over-stimulated. Starting tomorrow, I am off work for three weeks. And I am going to take every minute of it to decompress and retreat. And I won't apologize for it because the Lord called us to rest... I mean, He set up a whole day for it out of the week... and I don't always take a day out of the week to rest. And I won't let the American culture make me feel guilty for resting. So, yes, I hope to be off the grid for a bit. No, it's nothing personal. I'm going to rest.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
10,000 Reasons
A song has recently been introduced into the worship music repertoire at Christ Community: 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman . Beautiful song. Thoughtfully written. Lyrically solid. Theologically solid. We sang it today and when we got to the line about "For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing... 10,000 reasons for my heart to find." My first thought was "Lord, if I only had the one- Your death on the Cross... I would still sing your praises till I'm hoarse..." Then our worship leader prayed that we indeed could find 10,000 reasons to worship Him... and indeed, I could...
My desire to lift Him up in worship does not conceal the fact that I have issues to deal with... in fact, my coming to the altar to worship Him often exposes my weaknesses and failings. I don't sing because I'm perfect. I sing because I am redeemed. I sing because I am deeply loved... loved enough for Him to come down to the mud and mire and put me on solid ground.
I am seriously thinking of putting down all the reasons He's given to me... I would love to see the number soar to 10,000... hopefully, thinking of your 10,000 reasons will take you to a place to soul searching for Him to pull out another root of fill-in-the-blank so that we are no longer entangled with the bondage of ourselves.... so then you can have 10,001 reasons to sing "for all Your goodness."
My desire to lift Him up in worship does not conceal the fact that I have issues to deal with... in fact, my coming to the altar to worship Him often exposes my weaknesses and failings. I don't sing because I'm perfect. I sing because I am redeemed. I sing because I am deeply loved... loved enough for Him to come down to the mud and mire and put me on solid ground.
I am seriously thinking of putting down all the reasons He's given to me... I would love to see the number soar to 10,000... hopefully, thinking of your 10,000 reasons will take you to a place to soul searching for Him to pull out another root of fill-in-the-blank so that we are no longer entangled with the bondage of ourselves.... so then you can have 10,001 reasons to sing "for all Your goodness."
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Life is Like a Game of Solitaire
I know what a nerdy, loner I will sound like when I admit this, but I regularly play games of Solitaire on my computer. For some reason, it calms me down and re-focuses me when I get overwhelmed and stressed out. So I recently realized that during one of my Solitaire blitzes, that life is a lot like this game...
The strategy is simple, but hard to maintain:
#1: you have to stop and look at all your options before you make a move- being hasty can get you into a lock-out and you have to take a new hand.
#2: pulling a bad card- one you can't use- doesn't mean that you will lose the hand- if you keep at the game, you will find a spot for that card eventually
#3: it's okay to lose a hand... failure often causes us to re-focus and plan better for the next go-round
#4: don't give up... if you give up after the first hand, you can't ever win.
The strategy is simple, but hard to maintain:
#1: you have to stop and look at all your options before you make a move- being hasty can get you into a lock-out and you have to take a new hand.
#2: pulling a bad card- one you can't use- doesn't mean that you will lose the hand- if you keep at the game, you will find a spot for that card eventually
#3: it's okay to lose a hand... failure often causes us to re-focus and plan better for the next go-round
#4: don't give up... if you give up after the first hand, you can't ever win.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
when the rollercoaster becomes a carousel
I've never been a fan of roller coasters, but I've never been one to turn down a dare either. So early in my relationship with Heath, he took me to Six Flags. And dared me to ride the roller coasters with him. I was petrified. But I got on anyway.
My 20s was a lot like that roller coaster. Lots of spiritual ups and downs. Lots of life's ups and downs. Lots of experiencing and making mistakes. And getting up and trying again.
But now in my 30s, life is very different. Especially since I've become a mother. I sat next to a friend this morning after a refreshing church service. And we noted how much of the daily grind is just kinda getting to us... thank God for a fresh Word from the pulpit this morning and from prayer week this past week.
So what do we do when the roller coaster of life becomes a carousel? Not that any of what is happening in my life is bad... it's just repetitive. I long for an adventure. And, yet, the Lord has me here: My husband is very active in ministry and the Lord has recently put me on the ministry sidelines. Again, not necessarily bad... but different... and so daily.
Two revelations this week that I think will take me through this: During praying week at Christ Community, the Lord reminded me that my life is for an Audience of One. If I never get any accolade or recognition (which I usually don't), would I do the things that I do unto Him? If for all the rest of my life, the only chance I get to sing is in my car on the way to and from work... do I sing unto Him?
And the second thing was that God longs to be the Lord of the small things... IN the small things...
And yet, when I think about how BIG God is and how really small I am (cosmically and spiritually speaking)... then I am truly humbled that He would pay attention to me at all...
I look forward to seeing Him show up this week... And I will be thankful that He blesses me with His presence...
My 20s was a lot like that roller coaster. Lots of spiritual ups and downs. Lots of life's ups and downs. Lots of experiencing and making mistakes. And getting up and trying again.
But now in my 30s, life is very different. Especially since I've become a mother. I sat next to a friend this morning after a refreshing church service. And we noted how much of the daily grind is just kinda getting to us... thank God for a fresh Word from the pulpit this morning and from prayer week this past week.
So what do we do when the roller coaster of life becomes a carousel? Not that any of what is happening in my life is bad... it's just repetitive. I long for an adventure. And, yet, the Lord has me here: My husband is very active in ministry and the Lord has recently put me on the ministry sidelines. Again, not necessarily bad... but different... and so daily.
Two revelations this week that I think will take me through this: During praying week at Christ Community, the Lord reminded me that my life is for an Audience of One. If I never get any accolade or recognition (which I usually don't), would I do the things that I do unto Him? If for all the rest of my life, the only chance I get to sing is in my car on the way to and from work... do I sing unto Him?
And the second thing was that God longs to be the Lord of the small things... IN the small things...
And yet, when I think about how BIG God is and how really small I am (cosmically and spiritually speaking)... then I am truly humbled that He would pay attention to me at all...
I look forward to seeing Him show up this week... And I will be thankful that He blesses me with His presence...
Friday, August 12, 2011
the 30s
One of my students made a smart-alack remark this week about my being older than dinosaurs. It was really funny, because I'm only 33. Whether a kid has a speech-language impairment or not, his idea of reality is always a bit skewed. Which of course got me reflecting on my 30s vs. my 20s. Granted I've not had a long life. But I've had a challenging life. So I'm not completely ignorant. People have joked with me that I have an old soul... maybe that's why I like film noir....
Anywhoo... so, I was thinking about how in my 20s, Heath and I would get into all kinds of mischief. Nothing bad really. But we'd decide on Thursday to go out of town on Friday and we'd just go. I wouldn't consider the consequences of my actions... I'd just do it. Now, I stop and think and weigh my options and think about what Dave Ramsey would say. And I have to factor in Hero's bed time... It's just enough to say, "aw, I'm too tired to even care to do that."
Things have changed a lot too, with my relationship with Christ... I think the biggest thing is that I really do weigh a situation with the fruits of the Spirit... I am working really hard to bear fruit in my life. I'm trying. I'm not there yet. But I'm trying. And as a result I feel love, joy, peace, and patience... working on the others: kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.
Philippians 1:6 (The Message): There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.
Anywhoo... so, I was thinking about how in my 20s, Heath and I would get into all kinds of mischief. Nothing bad really. But we'd decide on Thursday to go out of town on Friday and we'd just go. I wouldn't consider the consequences of my actions... I'd just do it. Now, I stop and think and weigh my options and think about what Dave Ramsey would say. And I have to factor in Hero's bed time... It's just enough to say, "aw, I'm too tired to even care to do that."
Things have changed a lot too, with my relationship with Christ... I think the biggest thing is that I really do weigh a situation with the fruits of the Spirit... I am working really hard to bear fruit in my life. I'm trying. I'm not there yet. But I'm trying. And as a result I feel love, joy, peace, and patience... working on the others: kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.
Philippians 1:6 (The Message): There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Small
Today, I am feeling kind of small and thinking about all the things and people that I've lost in my life. I'm not looking for flattery nor am I fishing for a compliment, because by the end of this blog, I'll bring it back around...
With Facebook and all the social media that we've got out there, it's easy to look around and hear Beck's "I'm a Loser" playing in the background. So many people get to do so many big things... and I'm "stuck" here... it's easy to be bogged down in the routine of every day and it's easy to get discouraged when there are so many drama-seekers who are seeking drama from me. It just wears on me after a while. Especially when I've stood up for myself and those people continue to act the same way... *sigh*...
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that, despite what other people are saying about me or trying to get out of me, I know that the God of the Universe is with me. I saw Him this week in the most unlikely places. I see Him everyday when I look at my precious son. And I know that I'm not perfect and I know that He wishes that I would be a better person... but I'm trying... and I trust that He is going to help me through this Valley of the Shadow of Death.
With Facebook and all the social media that we've got out there, it's easy to look around and hear Beck's "I'm a Loser" playing in the background. So many people get to do so many big things... and I'm "stuck" here... it's easy to be bogged down in the routine of every day and it's easy to get discouraged when there are so many drama-seekers who are seeking drama from me. It just wears on me after a while. Especially when I've stood up for myself and those people continue to act the same way... *sigh*...
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that, despite what other people are saying about me or trying to get out of me, I know that the God of the Universe is with me. I saw Him this week in the most unlikely places. I see Him everyday when I look at my precious son. And I know that I'm not perfect and I know that He wishes that I would be a better person... but I'm trying... and I trust that He is going to help me through this Valley of the Shadow of Death.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
worry wart
I am, by nature, a worry wart... It's in my DNA. I don't know if it's the first child curse or what, but I tend to worry about things. But as time goes on, I realize that worrying is really saying to God: "Hey, You can't do this for me." For some reason, I always thought, "well, God's to big to care about this one... so I'll take care of it." But of course, I worried my way through the situation or in the end, came back to Christ with the problem anyway.
Last week, I was worrying about a situation... and I started praying... and it was like, "Buffy, what's worrying about it going to do about this situation? Worrying is not going to change it... you can't send out your brain waves to change this." And I stopped worrying about it. And just have to trust that it'll be okay.
Last week, I was worrying about a situation... and I started praying... and it was like, "Buffy, what's worrying about it going to do about this situation? Worrying is not going to change it... you can't send out your brain waves to change this." And I stopped worrying about it. And just have to trust that it'll be okay.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
work in progress
So it's not been earth-shattering in the "revelation" department... and sometimes it's not... sometimes God is just there... seemingly not at work... but the older I get, the more I realize that just when I think God is not paying attention to me, well, He really is paying attention to me.
This week, God's been bringing to mind Scriptures that my mom made me memorize as a kid... yes, she did and I am so glad that she did! Psalm 23 is a passage that we memorized one summer. And He's also reminded me of that double rainbow that He put in the sky the day that Hero was born.
And I'm realizing more and more of my limitations... basically, just that I'd love to save the world, but I am limited to a 24 hour day.
So the revelation for this southern girl is just some basic truths... good, solid theology:
--That Jesus loves me very, very much and I see that every day through the love of my husband and little boy
--That He is ALWAYS with me- that regardless of how I feel or how I act or the mistakes I make, it doesn't change who He is and will be
--That just because I am disappointed in how things turn out, He hugs me and loves me anyway
--I am a work in progress and Jesus is okay with that
This week, God's been bringing to mind Scriptures that my mom made me memorize as a kid... yes, she did and I am so glad that she did! Psalm 23 is a passage that we memorized one summer. And He's also reminded me of that double rainbow that He put in the sky the day that Hero was born.
And I'm realizing more and more of my limitations... basically, just that I'd love to save the world, but I am limited to a 24 hour day.
So the revelation for this southern girl is just some basic truths... good, solid theology:
--That Jesus loves me very, very much and I see that every day through the love of my husband and little boy
--That He is ALWAYS with me- that regardless of how I feel or how I act or the mistakes I make, it doesn't change who He is and will be
--That just because I am disappointed in how things turn out, He hugs me and loves me anyway
--I am a work in progress and Jesus is okay with that
Friday, July 15, 2011
sometimes He's quiet
This has been an interesting week for me. My body and mind are exhausted from the first full week back at work. My heart is full with all the good things in my life. But this week has been relatively quiet- spiritually speaking. Ten days ago, I attended Eminent Worship and Sunday I sang with the worship team... it was a loud week (but wonderful to be immersed in His presence).
And this week's been on the quiet end... came up against some disappointing moments- moments that's made me question a lot but nothing earth-shattering.... But I realized tonight, how quiet God had been.
You know that I talk for a living... as a speech-language pathologist, ALL I do ALL day long is talk... because one of the things about working with kids who have difficulty speaking is that someone needs to speak for them on their behalf outside of the physicality of teaching these kiddos how to communicate. It's strange that I'm in this field because I'm not much of a talker by nature- which people sometimes take the wrong way... like my husband: after a long day, if I'm not talking much once I get home, he sometimes ask if I'm angry... when in truth, I am just tired of talking.
I wonder if that's how it is with God-- I often jump to the "oh, maybe He's mad at me" conclusion when maybe there just isn't anything to say... or maybe He wants me to see Him in a different way- without the thunderbolts and writing on the wall. I don't know if God is just sitting back and chuckling to Himself, letting His actions speak instead... maybe He's just letting me rest after the over-stimulation or if it's just one of those times where words are not necessary in a relationship- knowing that He's there is sometimes enough... tonight's been one of those nights... I don't really need anything from Him... I just need to know that He's here...
So how do you respond when God's quiet? Do you bum-rush Him and flail around for a sensational moment at the alter? Do you run away- assuming that He's angry and doesn't want anything to do with you? Or do you sit quietly at His feet and just relish in the knowledge that we are His?
And this week's been on the quiet end... came up against some disappointing moments- moments that's made me question a lot but nothing earth-shattering.... But I realized tonight, how quiet God had been.
You know that I talk for a living... as a speech-language pathologist, ALL I do ALL day long is talk... because one of the things about working with kids who have difficulty speaking is that someone needs to speak for them on their behalf outside of the physicality of teaching these kiddos how to communicate. It's strange that I'm in this field because I'm not much of a talker by nature- which people sometimes take the wrong way... like my husband: after a long day, if I'm not talking much once I get home, he sometimes ask if I'm angry... when in truth, I am just tired of talking.
I wonder if that's how it is with God-- I often jump to the "oh, maybe He's mad at me" conclusion when maybe there just isn't anything to say... or maybe He wants me to see Him in a different way- without the thunderbolts and writing on the wall. I don't know if God is just sitting back and chuckling to Himself, letting His actions speak instead... maybe He's just letting me rest after the over-stimulation or if it's just one of those times where words are not necessary in a relationship- knowing that He's there is sometimes enough... tonight's been one of those nights... I don't really need anything from Him... I just need to know that He's here...
So how do you respond when God's quiet? Do you bum-rush Him and flail around for a sensational moment at the alter? Do you run away- assuming that He's angry and doesn't want anything to do with you? Or do you sit quietly at His feet and just relish in the knowledge that we are His?
Sunday, July 10, 2011
God's not a Slot Machine
So when did the casinos go up on the Mississippi Gulf Coast? Sometime between my senior year of high school and when I hit college, I think... I remember riding down with my friends when I was in undergrad school and looking at the boring blank coast landscape change into flashing bright lights and enormous buildings... So it had to be sometime in my last few years of high school that those buildings went up.
I bring up the casinos on the Coast because it was a hot-button issue when they were being built and because one of the things that irks me as a Christian is this "God-is-a-slot-machine" theology... you know the one: give God your money and you will get more back... like He's some cosmic investing company. Or pray a certain kind of prayer and God will do your biding. I'm not trying to cast stones here, really-- if this kind of theology works for you: amazing... it has never, ever, never worked for me... But I bring this up only to make a point about the revelation I had today. I don't know if there is a name for this kind of theology, but I call it "God IS a slot machine." Because my rebuttal is "MY God IS NOT a slot machine." There are scriptures that the "Slot Machine-ers" use to justify their claims and ideas, but the practice is disjointed and inconsistent and out of context. And full of disappointment: makes one wonder why He doesn't respond to our prayers when we pray out of selfishness and out of what we want... like He's forsaken us... but it's just that we are missing out really on the whole entire point...
I go back to "it's not a faulty God that we serve, it's our faulty theology..."
So today, July 10, 2011, at Christ Community Church, worship service-- there was something about how the lights changed on the stage at two different times during two different songs:
First song was "Awakening," when we sang these lyrics:
Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice, and this is my awakening!
[and I thought, O, the sweet sound of His voice! That's all I want out of life is to hear Him in my life! All I need is His presence... and everything else will be taken care of!]
Awakening [click on the link to hear the song]
The other song was "O, how He loves us!" Again, the combination of the lights and these words:
He is jealous for me - Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy- When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me...
[and I thought, if we could all understand the depth and consistency of God's love for us... if we could get it, and be done with all the negative words that have been spoken to us over our life time... if we get that this is how much He loves us... what freedom! what peace! what joy!]
Oh, How He Loves Us So
If we got these truths about God, we wouldn't be so disappointed when He doesn't answer our prayers or respond to us like we think He should.... God is not a slot machine...
You all know what kind of troll I can be day-to-day... you all know how I freak out over stuff... you all know about my anger and depression issues...but I hope that you also know that the kind of God that I serve is revealing Himself to be gracious even to this troll... and if He is gracious to me, why not to you?
I bring up the casinos on the Coast because it was a hot-button issue when they were being built and because one of the things that irks me as a Christian is this "God-is-a-slot-machine" theology... you know the one: give God your money and you will get more back... like He's some cosmic investing company. Or pray a certain kind of prayer and God will do your biding. I'm not trying to cast stones here, really-- if this kind of theology works for you: amazing... it has never, ever, never worked for me... But I bring this up only to make a point about the revelation I had today. I don't know if there is a name for this kind of theology, but I call it "God IS a slot machine." Because my rebuttal is "MY God IS NOT a slot machine." There are scriptures that the "Slot Machine-ers" use to justify their claims and ideas, but the practice is disjointed and inconsistent and out of context. And full of disappointment: makes one wonder why He doesn't respond to our prayers when we pray out of selfishness and out of what we want... like He's forsaken us... but it's just that we are missing out really on the whole entire point...
I go back to "it's not a faulty God that we serve, it's our faulty theology..."
So today, July 10, 2011, at Christ Community Church, worship service-- there was something about how the lights changed on the stage at two different times during two different songs:
First song was "Awakening," when we sang these lyrics:
Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice, and this is my awakening!
[and I thought, O, the sweet sound of His voice! That's all I want out of life is to hear Him in my life! All I need is His presence... and everything else will be taken care of!]
Awakening [click on the link to hear the song]
The other song was "O, how He loves us!" Again, the combination of the lights and these words:
He is jealous for me - Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy- When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me...
[and I thought, if we could all understand the depth and consistency of God's love for us... if we could get it, and be done with all the negative words that have been spoken to us over our life time... if we get that this is how much He loves us... what freedom! what peace! what joy!]
Oh, How He Loves Us So
If we got these truths about God, we wouldn't be so disappointed when He doesn't answer our prayers or respond to us like we think He should.... God is not a slot machine...
You all know what kind of troll I can be day-to-day... you all know how I freak out over stuff... you all know about my anger and depression issues...but I hope that you also know that the kind of God that I serve is revealing Himself to be gracious even to this troll... and if He is gracious to me, why not to you?
Friday, July 8, 2011
walking on water
God's will for my life has always been one of those mind blowing issues in Christianity. It's not a new concept to me although it really blew everyone's mind when Warren came out with Purpose Driven Life a few years back (good book, by the way). Although the concept of God speaking to us, blows some of our minds... this leaves room for so much bad theology and bad mentoring, that I finally got a picture of what "following God's will" looks like...
Sometimes our journey through life as a Christian is like this-- I am brought to the bank of a river... and God points to the other side and says "See the other side there? I want you to get over there." I clap my hands in delight and dive in, headlong, not looking around, just diving right in. But 10 steps in, my feet fall out from under me and the current starts to sweep me away... so I cry out to the Lord, and He rescues me... sets me back on the bank where I started.
So I'm disappointed, upset... for a variety of reasons.... but I ask the Lord again, "are You sure You want me over there?"
"Yes."
"okay... so let me make up a game plan," I say to myself. And set to work.
so this time, I try again with a raft that I built out of sticks lying by the creek bank. And at the middle of the river, the raft sinks. Again, He rescues me.
A few days later, I decide to build a bridge... so I gather up logs and try to make a bridge... fail...
Okay maybe I can fly across... but that attempt failed too...
And at this point, I am beyond confused and hurt and just wondering why God told me to do something that I can't accomplish... so I sit on the bank and sulk... for a while...
So eventually, I make it back around to talking to the Lord and I says, "Okay, God... so You still want me to do this thing?"
He says, "Yes."
Several of my plans had failed... so I said, "Okay, so how 'bout You get me there...? I can't figure this one out."
And He takes my hand, and we step out on the water... and He walks me across... and all the while, He is talking with me and laughing and showing me all the beauty along the river... until we reach our destination. And even once we reach our destination, He doesn't leave... He sits with me and works beside me...
so you see, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey and what we do along the way... the only thing about reaching a goal is that we look for the next goal... Maybe I'm completely off base, but this is my revelation for the week... Joy for the Journey... Leaning on the Everlasting Arms....
Sometimes our journey through life as a Christian is like this-- I am brought to the bank of a river... and God points to the other side and says "See the other side there? I want you to get over there." I clap my hands in delight and dive in, headlong, not looking around, just diving right in. But 10 steps in, my feet fall out from under me and the current starts to sweep me away... so I cry out to the Lord, and He rescues me... sets me back on the bank where I started.
So I'm disappointed, upset... for a variety of reasons.... but I ask the Lord again, "are You sure You want me over there?"
"Yes."
"okay... so let me make up a game plan," I say to myself. And set to work.
so this time, I try again with a raft that I built out of sticks lying by the creek bank. And at the middle of the river, the raft sinks. Again, He rescues me.
A few days later, I decide to build a bridge... so I gather up logs and try to make a bridge... fail...
Okay maybe I can fly across... but that attempt failed too...
And at this point, I am beyond confused and hurt and just wondering why God told me to do something that I can't accomplish... so I sit on the bank and sulk... for a while...
So eventually, I make it back around to talking to the Lord and I says, "Okay, God... so You still want me to do this thing?"
He says, "Yes."
Several of my plans had failed... so I said, "Okay, so how 'bout You get me there...? I can't figure this one out."
And He takes my hand, and we step out on the water... and He walks me across... and all the while, He is talking with me and laughing and showing me all the beauty along the river... until we reach our destination. And even once we reach our destination, He doesn't leave... He sits with me and works beside me...
so you see, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey and what we do along the way... the only thing about reaching a goal is that we look for the next goal... Maybe I'm completely off base, but this is my revelation for the week... Joy for the Journey... Leaning on the Everlasting Arms....
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Brothers and Sisters
I recently went home to visit my blood relatives... although the circumstances were kind of bleak, it was nice to see people who share the same DNA that I have in my body.
Over this summer break, it's come to my attention that I don't do a great job of reaching out to people... not like I'd like to anyway... Some of it's because I have a young son... some of it is because by the end of the day and all the things I need to do, I am spent... and some of it is because I fight against being a misanthrope. And some of that is because I've been hurt so much, some of it is because I am so worn out and the introvert ME needs a recharge, and some of it is because... well, it's just not possible to interact with all the people that I want to interact with in a limited 24- hour period. So anyway... I AM trying to do better in this area, but will give myself ALL the grace I need to fail in this area...
This blog is already not making sense in my head so I'm not sure that it will be any better on here... but this is what I've been thinking about... with no real answer... yet...
Many times in my life, my Church (see capital C... not specific to any church that I am currently attending!) family has come around me and "adopted" me when my own blood relatives decided to disown me.... so many tangible ways... ways that would take me a long time to recount...
When I was visiting my grandmother in the hospital that I was born in, I greeted a pastor and his wife who had pastored my family when I was a child... "You remember Brother and Sister Rogers, don't you, Buffy?" Well, of course I did! And my mom and I shared several, "do you remember when you" stories... "Do you remember when you came over and helped us with that plumbing problem when my dad was off-shore? You crawled under the house in your slacks and best shoes to help us out!"
I started thinking about how in the church that I grew up in we called each other "Brother Bob" and "Sister Sue." My great-aunt attended the church I grew up in and it messed with my head for my momma to call her "Sister Ward." How was Aunt Polly... Sister Ward?
But it threw me off... Brother and Sister? I giggled to myself. Hadn't I gotten too cool to call my uh... fellow church ... people... fellow Christ Communitians.... uh... yeah... to call them Brother Smith and Sister Biff? I mean, wasn't that SSOOOOOO like, 1992?
Well, this theme of Church family has come back to me during this week in a variety of ways... Sunday's sermon... conversations with new Church family members.... a card from friends writing to tell me that they were praying for me.... and I thought about how truly we are family... And what if I called y'all "sister" and "brother" on a Sunday morning.... would it remind me... would it remind you... would it show the world... that we are family?
Here's one of Christ Community's Core Values:
Authentic Relationships: Because God created us for community, we devote ourselves to building healthy relationships -- Demonstrated by... engaging in life together with transparency, humility, compassion, and a commitment to speaking the truth in love (Acts 2:42-47; Rom. 12:15-16; Eph. 4:14-15; I John 4:10-12). [http://ccclive.org/aboutus.html] -- which I love because it doesn't leave room for any bologna... and yet it leaves room for me to be this spiritual mess!!
And I am no where NEAR having this one assimilated to my spiritual DNA... that is to say I KNOW that I don't have this one NAILED down (so put down that rock you were about to throw... or better yet, just point that finger in another direction) because this is an idea that is JUST starting to bubble under the surface of my scalp... I know that I have a lot of over come to do a better job of being Church family... so lift up a prayer for me.... maybe I'll start by greeting you with "brother" or "sister" on Sunday morning... and I'll probably feel stupid for doing it... for putting myself out there... for being so vulnerable... but so what? If I can't look like a goof with family... then I'm in big trouble!
what Kung Fu Panda 2 taught me
I love movies. Seriously... love... movies... My channel is usually on Turner Classic Movies or hubby and I are discussing what movie we want to see next.
So we went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 over Memorial Day weekend... there was this part where Po (the panda) has discovered that he's adopted by his dad Mr. Ping... who is a duck. It was obvious from the first movie that Po was adopted, but that never mattered to how his father adored him. But finding out that he was adopted changed Po's outlook on life.
At the start of Po's adventure, Mr. Ping questions his returning from the battle... and Po, a bit put-off says, "but, I'm the Dragon Warrior." And Mr. Ping says, "But you're my son, aren't you?"
That struck me as a conversation that God has had with me: "But, Lord, I'm a mommy, I'm a speech pathologist, I'm ..." [fill-in-the-blank].
But above and beyond your busy-ness and titles and projects, you are my child....
I dunno... just kind of struck me... how I forget that some days...
So we went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 over Memorial Day weekend... there was this part where Po (the panda) has discovered that he's adopted by his dad Mr. Ping... who is a duck. It was obvious from the first movie that Po was adopted, but that never mattered to how his father adored him. But finding out that he was adopted changed Po's outlook on life.
At the start of Po's adventure, Mr. Ping questions his returning from the battle... and Po, a bit put-off says, "but, I'm the Dragon Warrior." And Mr. Ping says, "But you're my son, aren't you?"
That struck me as a conversation that God has had with me: "But, Lord, I'm a mommy, I'm a speech pathologist, I'm ..." [fill-in-the-blank].
But above and beyond your busy-ness and titles and projects, you are my child....
I dunno... just kind of struck me... how I forget that some days...
Shouting at Thunder
Then I heard Hero yelling: "You shut up, thunder! SHUT UP! BE QUIET, Thunder! YOU STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"
I smiled to myself, but felt really proud of my boy too... so many times, I've been running away from the things that I fear and Hero was standing on the couch, ready to fight the thunder!
If only I could be so brave! To shout back at the thunderstorms of my life because I know that the God that I serve is above and beyond those stormy skies... why should I be afraid? why should I feel anxious? God never promised an easy ride, but He said that He would be there right with us along the way.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
thinking
today, I am thinking about how quickly time flies... how I can improve the look of this blog template (put the words in bold print or leave them plain? can people see it easier)... all the projects that I could complete if I had a 24-hour block of time to make it happen... how non-Type A I've become over the past few years... how I can leave Hero in the other room playing and not have to worry so much about him... how many therapy material projects I have that I want to do, but no time to do them... how Hero will grow up with a second generation of Transformers, Star Wars, and G.I. Joe.... how Hero will grow up with Facebook, Blackberries and text messaging... that his 4 year old birthday party is coming up in a few weeks and how thankful I am for 4 "normal" years... and praying for 400 more "normal" years... how I want to teach Hero how to properly interpret scripture so that he doesn't fall in the trap his daddy and I did years ago, living with unanswered prayers and being angry with God because "It's our faulty theology, not that we serve a faulty God"... how I wish that I knew how to sew... how God's blessings in my life has nothing to do with my bank account balance... how lovely it is to have Audrey living across town from me... how awesome it is that our kids get to play together... a quote from Dano this week about leaving other people's attitudes on their side of the fence... the to-do list that I need to complete today... and how, as my engagement anniversary approaches, I once thought that I was so un-lovely, that no one would ever want to marry me... that God brought him to me from 350 miles away and caused us to be in the same place at the same time... Amazing God...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Waking from the American Dream
A couple of years ago, Keith Cowart, the pastor at Christ Community, took us through a sermon series that addressed finances and our debt load... it was the first sermons on money in which I never heard the phrase: "You need to sow a seed of faith"! Nor was it discussed how much money I needed to drop in the offering plate! Instead the importance of being free from debt was addressed... my husband and I started The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey... and I wrote this as my declaration of independence! I feel the need from time to time to return to this declaration for myself... to remind myself of the torture that being under that kind of bondage brought to me and my marriage... and how free He is helping me to become...
Waking from the American Dream
I am slowly waking up from a bad dream. In this dream, I am a hamster on a wheel and I can't get off. The wheel makes me nervous, scared, worried, annoyed and self-reliant. As I try to get off the wheel once or twice, I trip and fall. In my embarrassment and shame, I get back on the wheel-- afraid to look up, running harder than before, trying to make up for the blunder.
But this isn't a dream. This is my life- my prison, the cell that society has told me I belong in.
I see a blanket of grace, but I dare not reach for it. I am more comfortable in this frazzled state on the wheel just because it is familiar to me. I'm even used to the flashing marquee "The American Dream " even though I don't sleep well at night because the flashing keeps me awake. I know just how to move to keep my spiritual wounds from aching too badly. And even the slight ache I constantly feel... well, I've learned to take pride in all my battle wounds. If I didn't have the wheel and the wounds, what would I talk about with my fellow inmates? I would no longer have the complaints. I could no longer contribute. I could no longer relate.
So I stay on the wheel a little longer... I have nothing else to do... I need to contribute to society... It's what's expected of me... But I stay on anyway, until tragedy strikes and I am forced off the wheel. I've been forced off the wheel before, but I've always been able to get myself back on... albeit, with a broken limb that one time (I still have that spiritual limp).
But this time is different. I am desperate. This pain, I cannot ignore. I cannot treat this wound myself. The wound is too deep. I am desperate for a true healing touch.
Fellow inmates shout words at me: "It's God's will!"
"There must be a reason for this!"
"You'll be ok!"
It's like putting band-aids on a broken leg... I cry out for help. I am desperate. This hurts too much.
He comes to me. He takes the blanket of grace and wraps it around me. He rocks me to sleep...
When I wake, my wounds are healed. Even the ones I tried to mend myself. Time has passed from when He put the blanket around me and the time I wake. I thank Him and I worship Him.
The wheel calls to me. I step back on and run. This is what I am supposed to do, right?
I see Him nearby: "You don't have to run anymore. I'll give you everything you need," He says.
How can I trust You? I've been so hurt and disappointed in the past.
"Perfect Love casts out fear."
What does that mean?
"Put on the helmet of salvation."
What does that mean?
"Think about the Cross."
You died for me there. Because You love me. Because I am Yours.
I am silenced.
And in my silence, I begin to work on destroying my wheel - The Flashing American Dream. It's empty and frivolous- chasing material possessions, chasing for a companion, chasing recognition at work, running till I'm spent...
I am still working on destroying my wheel. I mess up and get distracted from the demolition. I even get back on from time to time. But the Savior is near. And He's made a coat for me out of that blanket of grace that protects me from the winter of myself.
Waking from the American Dream
I am slowly waking up from a bad dream. In this dream, I am a hamster on a wheel and I can't get off. The wheel makes me nervous, scared, worried, annoyed and self-reliant. As I try to get off the wheel once or twice, I trip and fall. In my embarrassment and shame, I get back on the wheel-- afraid to look up, running harder than before, trying to make up for the blunder.
But this isn't a dream. This is my life- my prison, the cell that society has told me I belong in.
I see a blanket of grace, but I dare not reach for it. I am more comfortable in this frazzled state on the wheel just because it is familiar to me. I'm even used to the flashing marquee "The American Dream " even though I don't sleep well at night because the flashing keeps me awake. I know just how to move to keep my spiritual wounds from aching too badly. And even the slight ache I constantly feel... well, I've learned to take pride in all my battle wounds. If I didn't have the wheel and the wounds, what would I talk about with my fellow inmates? I would no longer have the complaints. I could no longer contribute. I could no longer relate.
So I stay on the wheel a little longer... I have nothing else to do... I need to contribute to society... It's what's expected of me... But I stay on anyway, until tragedy strikes and I am forced off the wheel. I've been forced off the wheel before, but I've always been able to get myself back on... albeit, with a broken limb that one time (I still have that spiritual limp).
But this time is different. I am desperate. This pain, I cannot ignore. I cannot treat this wound myself. The wound is too deep. I am desperate for a true healing touch.
Fellow inmates shout words at me: "It's God's will!"
"There must be a reason for this!"
"You'll be ok!"
It's like putting band-aids on a broken leg... I cry out for help. I am desperate. This hurts too much.
He comes to me. He takes the blanket of grace and wraps it around me. He rocks me to sleep...
When I wake, my wounds are healed. Even the ones I tried to mend myself. Time has passed from when He put the blanket around me and the time I wake. I thank Him and I worship Him.
The wheel calls to me. I step back on and run. This is what I am supposed to do, right?
I see Him nearby: "You don't have to run anymore. I'll give you everything you need," He says.
How can I trust You? I've been so hurt and disappointed in the past.
"Perfect Love casts out fear."
What does that mean?
"Put on the helmet of salvation."
What does that mean?
"Think about the Cross."
You died for me there. Because You love me. Because I am Yours.
I am silenced.
And in my silence, I begin to work on destroying my wheel - The Flashing American Dream. It's empty and frivolous- chasing material possessions, chasing for a companion, chasing recognition at work, running till I'm spent...
I am still working on destroying my wheel. I mess up and get distracted from the demolition. I even get back on from time to time. But the Savior is near. And He's made a coat for me out of that blanket of grace that protects me from the winter of myself.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Music in Me
I was driving today, listening to a Jars of Clay CD that I recently purchased from iTunes... and I started singing... I couldn't help it: I was compelled to sing... and my little boy yelled, "Be quiet, Momma! Too loud!" I shrugged- I said, "You can't help it when you hear music either." My husband's the same way-- there is always a song playing somewhere in my house... or car... or head...
Let me see if I can explain it better: when I hear the music and the beat and start singing the music, the stimulation of what I hear and what I feel humming in my chest is so comforting, that whatever was bothering me or upsetting to me, fades away with every beat of the drum; with every thump of the bass; with every strum of the guitar; with every vocal trip up the scale- it is salve and balm to my soul. And I walk away a new gal... especially if the lyrics remind me of God's might and goodness.
Add that in with what Oswald Chambers wrote in My Utmost for His Highest: "Worship is giving God the best that He has given to you..."
Well, then, I'm just done for, huh? Since we no longer have animal sacrifices, and if we are to bring the sacrifice of praise... then my voice, time/energy, raised hands or bowed head or bended knee... is a meager thank-offering for all He's done for me... [see the entire book of Pslams... my favorite book of the Bible].
Monday, June 13, 2011
I need a Hero by Chris Rice
It wasn't an accident that I named my son Hero... nor was it a moment of me trying to be weird or quirky...
I heard this song in 1997 and I've loved the word "Hero" ever since... when I met Heath, I knew him by his nickname "Hero" for a long time. and I named Hero after his daddy...this seems fitting tonight... I need a Hero... by Chris RiceWas I the only one to notice That human nature doesn't work that way They tell me if I look deep inside me That I can find my own way I only find a rebel and a fool there Who won't admit that he's afraid I thought I was holdin' on to freedom But locked my soul up in chains I need a hero Who'll dare to find me Fly to my rescue And crash through the wall Announce my freedom Bring me to my senses Gather me into His strong arms And carry me off...to safety What is this talk about a Savior Well does He listen, is He ever there? And should I be asking Him directly? But why should He consider my prayer? Well, I don't quite know how to do this But Jesus, I can't save myself So here I go calling our for mercy And crying out for Your help (So if You hear me...) I need a hero Please dare to find me Fly to my rescue And crash through the wall Announce my freedom Bring me to my senses Gather me into Your strong arms And carry me off
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
God's Rebuttal
Hurricane Season was extended for me this year. Since mid-January, the rug's been pulled out from under me several different ways... and my post last night was all about the nickname I've given myself: "Much-Afraid."
This morning I woke up rebuking myself for what a coward I am acting like... this isn't like me at all... At least not the "me" that I want to be! and when I read my Bible this morning, this is the verse: 2 Chronicles 20:15 --... Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not your, but God's....
So here is what I love about God...
Me: whiny, whiny, whiny baby
God: okay, if you have forgotten all that I've taught you... here are some friendly reminders...
Me: whine, whine, whine... obsess, obsess, obsess, worry, worry, worry, scared, scared, scared...
God: *fire from Heaven*
I'll stop talking in metaphors... so I woke up saying to myself, "Buffy, you are not this coward anymore! So stop being afraid of all this stuff God has already given you victory over!" I went to my first school and was confronted with a gaggle of rabble-rousers and one person in tears. This lady cried and cried and cried because she was afraid... it seemed like the more we tried to comfort her, the more she cried. And after a while, I realized that what I was saying wasn't making a dent, so I walked away... but with the thought that this is what I may look like to God... He's been sending people my way and I've rejected them in my fear.
So when I got home from work, I could just already see God's hand in motion to work things out so that I could go to Eminent Worship tonight at Golden Acres Church in Phenix City. Hero was having his nightly "I don't want to go to bed" crash party early... and he went down relatively easy. Before I was out of my driveway, I was already praying and crying... when I entered the sanctuary, I was trying to hold it together... Then I looked in front of me: two sisters from my home church... then as the music started, another sister came up beside me... With every pounding beat of drums, I could feel God chiseling away at the calcification of bitterness and fear around my heart.... and what happened after that... I can only say it was all ordered by God... Praying with my sister-girls was amazing and so encouraging... and then just to worship and sing and tell the enemy that he's a liar... just what the doctor ordered...
So the moral of this story, boys and girls, is that God is a mindful God... and He is faithful to meet us where we are at... and demonstrate His goodness and might... for the one-hundred-thousandth time...
This morning I woke up rebuking myself for what a coward I am acting like... this isn't like me at all... At least not the "me" that I want to be! and when I read my Bible this morning, this is the verse: 2 Chronicles 20:15 --... Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not your, but God's....
So here is what I love about God...
Me: whiny, whiny, whiny baby
God: okay, if you have forgotten all that I've taught you... here are some friendly reminders...
Me: whine, whine, whine... obsess, obsess, obsess, worry, worry, worry, scared, scared, scared...
God: *fire from Heaven*
I'll stop talking in metaphors... so I woke up saying to myself, "Buffy, you are not this coward anymore! So stop being afraid of all this stuff God has already given you victory over!" I went to my first school and was confronted with a gaggle of rabble-rousers and one person in tears. This lady cried and cried and cried because she was afraid... it seemed like the more we tried to comfort her, the more she cried. And after a while, I realized that what I was saying wasn't making a dent, so I walked away... but with the thought that this is what I may look like to God... He's been sending people my way and I've rejected them in my fear.
So when I got home from work, I could just already see God's hand in motion to work things out so that I could go to Eminent Worship tonight at Golden Acres Church in Phenix City. Hero was having his nightly "I don't want to go to bed" crash party early... and he went down relatively easy. Before I was out of my driveway, I was already praying and crying... when I entered the sanctuary, I was trying to hold it together... Then I looked in front of me: two sisters from my home church... then as the music started, another sister came up beside me... With every pounding beat of drums, I could feel God chiseling away at the calcification of bitterness and fear around my heart.... and what happened after that... I can only say it was all ordered by God... Praying with my sister-girls was amazing and so encouraging... and then just to worship and sing and tell the enemy that he's a liar... just what the doctor ordered...
So the moral of this story, boys and girls, is that God is a mindful God... and He is faithful to meet us where we are at... and demonstrate His goodness and might... for the one-hundred-thousandth time...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Much-Afraid
It's seems that my quest to become WHOLE in HIM is taking quite a bit of breaking of this old pottery...
Tonight in community group as we discussed Book 1 of Mere Christianity, I confessed that I am struggling with fear. A foe I thought had been defeated has come back for round 2. And as we talked about what we wish Christianity and Church could be and about that we wished we could do to be "better" Christians, I still felt afraid and helpless.
So I have sat here staring at this blinking cursor and digging through some notes to start and stop this post about a dozen times. Remembering these terribly fearful moments and how I felt the Lord nearer to me through worshiping Him... and Scriptures about fear and peace... and the fruits of the Spirit and the armor of God...
And then I remembered a poem I had read a long time ago:
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa
So like Much Afraid, while I am afraid and trembling and not sure where is journey is taking me... I'm going to put one foot in front of another...
after all, He never promised us an easy ride... only that He'd be with us along the way.
Fear is something that I grew up with... lots of fear in lots of different ways. I don't blame my mother or my father really. It's just the way my dad was for a variety of reasons, so it was something I grew up with. Circumstances made my mom scared... being alone at home at night while my dad worked off-shore... in a trailer park...
So when Keith introduced this year's theme of "Breaking Through and Breaking Out," I was excited... for my immediate family, it's meant the death of some family curses... and a continue battle for some others. Now that half of the year is here so soon, I realize that I am still struggling with fear... I'm not quite sure about what to do about being afraid of these situations.... except keep looking to Him and worshiping Him until I am given more of a revelation ... or more strength...about these situations... a magic wand would even do.
But on the whole, I'm not nearly as afraid as I used to be... I had a friend comment one Sunday after I sang on the worship team how fearless Heath and I seem to be! I was taken aback... I confessed to her: "I struggle with fear all the time." So many times in my life, I have to take a deep breath and close my eyes and metaphorically jump into a situation.
During a time in my life, when I was nose to nose with a fear of mine, I found a way to fight back through worshiping God in song. I kept a worship CD in my CD player and just kept singing and singing and singing. And when the enemy would try to whisper something in my ear, I just kept singing and singing and singing.
I guess I need to do this on an hourly basis until it becomes a habit for me... because the revelation for today, boys and girls, is that this Southern Girl is still afraid...
So I have sat here staring at this blinking cursor and digging through some notes to start and stop this post about a dozen times. Remembering these terribly fearful moments and how I felt the Lord nearer to me through worshiping Him... and Scriptures about fear and peace... and the fruits of the Spirit and the armor of God...
And then I remembered a poem I had read a long time ago:
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa
So like Much Afraid, while I am afraid and trembling and not sure where is journey is taking me... I'm going to put one foot in front of another...
after all, He never promised us an easy ride... only that He'd be with us along the way.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Man in the Bread Aisle -or- God of the Unlovable
This past Friday did not go as planned... as most Fridays and Saturdays do not go as planned... but I had a lot to do on Friday... and it's was not getting done... I was been uncharacteristically late to everything and every where and I loathed myself for it... but as I left the first place that I was late for, the people I left behind were grinning ear to ear because of my son Hero and begging us to come again.
Then we were late to getting to Publix... and Hero wanted that big stupid cart with the race car attached to it. And I slid through the store pushing it around. As I stood comparing the sugar count on the Snapples, Hero asked me what a product was. "It's a doo-a-mah-hitchi to help someone open their Coke bottle." I sensed the person behind me was picking up on our conversation... my flight or fight instinct urged me to fly... but someOne kept me there. He turned to my son and said, "see you've got your momma there to open sodas for ya... even my momma used to ask me to open her Cokes for her." He stepped a little too close for my comfort zone and his shirt was awfully dirty. He wore a shirt that alarmed me to his extreme-right political views and the stains told me that the shirt had not been washed in a while. "I sure do miss my momma... she used to aggravate me about every little thing.... Boy, I wish that she was still around to aggravate me..." My heart hurt for him, "I know that must be hard for you..." I didn't know what else to say. He turned back to muttering at the bread. "Have a good day," I called as we walked away.
If I were a better Christian, I would have stopped and prayed with him... but I'm not and I didn't.. and I'm left wondering about the Man in the Bread Aisle. But what I realized was that maybe God put me in that spot at that moment so that man could get a smile from Hero. But what really came through was the reminder that God loves that man, muttering to the bread and all... This was a realization that came to me while I was pondering/praying/whining about how these two women that I know could walk so closely with the Lord... what was their secret? I mean, when they touched me, I could feel sparks fly from their fingertips and this peace blanket envelope me with their hugs... and as I prayed/whined about how God had put me in the most unlovely and unlovable situation, He gently reminded me that He loved the most unlovable and that was the secret to these women's awesomeness... So my confession would be that it's easy for me to love those kids and adults that are considered to be delayed or have special needs... the Lord put a call on my life to serve them. But it's hard for me to love those "normal" people who want to show me up or act better than me or treat me bad or expect me to be what I'm not (I was recently called "preacher's wife"... huh?)... I've encountered so many "mean girls" lately... my introvert wants me to retreat.
So it wasn't a coincidence that my pastor spoke on 1 Corinthians 13 for the third week in a row, nor was it a coincidence that he said, "The story of the Prodigal Son should be renamed the story of the Loving Father." He spent time describing the father's love for his foolish son and how God the Father loves us like that. And driving home today, while I was silently praying that the person driving stupid behind me wouldn't ram me from behind because she was an angry redneck, the Lord gently reminded me that He loved her and that we love because He first loved us... that I don't have to conjure the love for these people who try to constantly beat me down... that it's already there because He first loved me...
May we be more apt to love those around us that we deem "unlovable"... May we recognize that because He loved us first, we are able to love other people around us... even the unlovable...
Then we were late to getting to Publix... and Hero wanted that big stupid cart with the race car attached to it. And I slid through the store pushing it around. As I stood comparing the sugar count on the Snapples, Hero asked me what a product was. "It's a doo-a-mah-hitchi to help someone open their Coke bottle." I sensed the person behind me was picking up on our conversation... my flight or fight instinct urged me to fly... but someOne kept me there. He turned to my son and said, "see you've got your momma there to open sodas for ya... even my momma used to ask me to open her Cokes for her." He stepped a little too close for my comfort zone and his shirt was awfully dirty. He wore a shirt that alarmed me to his extreme-right political views and the stains told me that the shirt had not been washed in a while. "I sure do miss my momma... she used to aggravate me about every little thing.... Boy, I wish that she was still around to aggravate me..." My heart hurt for him, "I know that must be hard for you..." I didn't know what else to say. He turned back to muttering at the bread. "Have a good day," I called as we walked away.
If I were a better Christian, I would have stopped and prayed with him... but I'm not and I didn't.. and I'm left wondering about the Man in the Bread Aisle. But what I realized was that maybe God put me in that spot at that moment so that man could get a smile from Hero. But what really came through was the reminder that God loves that man, muttering to the bread and all... This was a realization that came to me while I was pondering/praying/whining about how these two women that I know could walk so closely with the Lord... what was their secret? I mean, when they touched me, I could feel sparks fly from their fingertips and this peace blanket envelope me with their hugs... and as I prayed/whined about how God had put me in the most unlovely and unlovable situation, He gently reminded me that He loved the most unlovable and that was the secret to these women's awesomeness... So my confession would be that it's easy for me to love those kids and adults that are considered to be delayed or have special needs... the Lord put a call on my life to serve them. But it's hard for me to love those "normal" people who want to show me up or act better than me or treat me bad or expect me to be what I'm not (I was recently called "preacher's wife"... huh?)... I've encountered so many "mean girls" lately... my introvert wants me to retreat.
So it wasn't a coincidence that my pastor spoke on 1 Corinthians 13 for the third week in a row, nor was it a coincidence that he said, "The story of the Prodigal Son should be renamed the story of the Loving Father." He spent time describing the father's love for his foolish son and how God the Father loves us like that. And driving home today, while I was silently praying that the person driving stupid behind me wouldn't ram me from behind because she was an angry redneck, the Lord gently reminded me that He loved her and that we love because He first loved us... that I don't have to conjure the love for these people who try to constantly beat me down... that it's already there because He first loved me...
May we be more apt to love those around us that we deem "unlovable"... May we recognize that because He loved us first, we are able to love other people around us... even the unlovable...
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Buffy: The Musical
What would my life look like if Universal Studios made it into a movie?
When I was 16 years old, my friend died in a car accident. My life changed in a hundred different ways. I refused to drive a car. I retreated from all my friends. And I swore that, since I now knew how short life could be, that I would make sure that every day I did something to make a difference in this world. Many years, medications, counseling sessions and divine interventions from the Lord, I now drive, I work to confront the problems around me... but I still swear to myself every day that I will make a difference in this world.
And I'm not fishing for compliments when I say that... It's just something that I feel passionate about... it's part of my personal theology... that a way to honor and glorify God is to make a difference for Him... to be His hands and feet... to comfort those who are hurting...
So I saw The King's Speech this week because one of the main characters is a speech therapist, like me. (Apart from the cursing) I was inspired and encouraged as I watched Logue face challenges like I do with clients.
But I did start to think: what would my life look like as a movie? Would it be a serious drama like "The King's Speech"? Where the main characters are triumphant over the challenges they face?
Would it be a comedy? Like an Adam Sandler comedy? Pointless, but good entertainment along the way.
Would it be an epic? Like The Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Or would it be a musical like "My Fair Lady" (which is also based on a pioneer in the field of Speech-Language Pathology: Henry Sweet)? Where the main character learns some valuable lesson while feeling superior to those he is helping... that he's really the one helped out in the end?
I'm not looking for answers, really... only to facilitate some thinking... that if we lived our lives in such a way that it might be made into a movie one day... would we do anything different? If we lived in such a way that every little thing we do is to glorify God, how would it be different?
When I was 16 years old, my friend died in a car accident. My life changed in a hundred different ways. I refused to drive a car. I retreated from all my friends. And I swore that, since I now knew how short life could be, that I would make sure that every day I did something to make a difference in this world. Many years, medications, counseling sessions and divine interventions from the Lord, I now drive, I work to confront the problems around me... but I still swear to myself every day that I will make a difference in this world.
And I'm not fishing for compliments when I say that... It's just something that I feel passionate about... it's part of my personal theology... that a way to honor and glorify God is to make a difference for Him... to be His hands and feet... to comfort those who are hurting...
So I saw The King's Speech this week because one of the main characters is a speech therapist, like me. (Apart from the cursing) I was inspired and encouraged as I watched Logue face challenges like I do with clients.
But I did start to think: what would my life look like as a movie? Would it be a serious drama like "The King's Speech"? Where the main characters are triumphant over the challenges they face?
Would it be a comedy? Like an Adam Sandler comedy? Pointless, but good entertainment along the way.
Would it be an epic? Like The Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Or would it be a musical like "My Fair Lady" (which is also based on a pioneer in the field of Speech-Language Pathology: Henry Sweet)? Where the main character learns some valuable lesson while feeling superior to those he is helping... that he's really the one helped out in the end?
I'm not looking for answers, really... only to facilitate some thinking... that if we lived our lives in such a way that it might be made into a movie one day... would we do anything different? If we lived in such a way that every little thing we do is to glorify God, how would it be different?
Saturday, May 7, 2011
cat on a hot tin roof
So tonight's post isn't about me trying to be a better Christian, but trying to be a whole Christian... I am on a path towards WHOLE-i-ness...
And this weekend marks an anniversary for me of an event that broke me and shattered me into a million little pieces. A few weeks ago, Keith (my pastor) remarked that some events in our lives (divorce, namely) amputates a family, and indeed, the events of this weekend so long ago, left me practically quartered. But unlike mythical creatures that can regenerate body parts, my spiritual body did not regenerate quite so easily... Much to the chagrin of fellow Christians... A magic pill alluded me for many years and people's disappointment at my lack of healing just sent me further down the rabbit hole. Scriptures and cliches were thrown at me with the hopes that something would stick, but my depression and despair deflected the words. I was too young to have the coping mechanism to grieve gracefully and I was bleeding out spiritually.
Eleven (yes, I am ashamed to say that even eleven long years doesn't numb the pain)- Eleven years ago, my life was turned on its ear. I sit here, alone, with old movies playing on my television in the background and I am no longer afraid to feel the pain of the loss all over again. It's at least bearable. I don't know that the pain will ever go away... mostly the pain is over the things that can never be. Most days I can keep a flat affect and shrug my shoulders over it, but I won't make myself tonight. I've got a feeling that many feel pain over these holidays... and we work really hard to put a smile on our faces and bite back the tears. But I'll share that I can't ever be "over" it. I'll always miss him and I'll always love him, regardless of how badly he hurt me and despite what others think that I feel over the matter. Is this what true forgiveness feels like? Well, that, for sure, is a theological debate that I can't wrestle with tonight.
It took me a long time to be at peace with the situation the way it is... it was a long process and the Lord was very patient with me during this time. He sent many wonderful people to love me and give me some perspective. And He gave me the strength to stand up for myself in a graceful way.
In recent years, while I allow myself to feel this pain and raise a metaphorical glass to what was and what will never be, I have come to a place where the Lord has taken these painful moments and turned them into moments to celebrate. The dichotomy is hard to swallow, but I do think it is important to be thankful for all the things that I do have... and that for a moment in time, I thought I wouldn't be allowed to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother... for a moment in my life, I thought I'd never have a husband whose birthday I would get to celebrate. And for this year, I get to do both all in one day as well as celebrate my own wonderful mother... is this what "joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) means? "Though He slays me, yet will I hope in Him..." (Job 13: 15)???
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." - Psalm 23: 4-6
So for you reading this, take heart. I do not pause to gloat... I pause to celebrate with the prayer that the Lord will show Himself to you like He has shown Himself to me... to thank Him for not leaving me in the mud and mire... "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34: 18
"Praise be to the Lord, for He showed His wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. In my alarm I said, 'I am cut off from Your sight!' Yet You heard my cry for mercy when I called to You for help." - Psalm 31: 21-22
All of this reminds me of a scene from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," during which Brick is taunting his wife Maggie and continues in his attempts to push her away. He said to her, "What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?" and she says, "Just staying on it, I guess, long as she can." Sometimes we just have to hang on...
May you, brokenhearted beloved, find Him in your pain... find the strength to hang on... may you feel His loving arms wrap around you... may you feel Him bind your wounds and give you a reason to sing His praises...
And this weekend marks an anniversary for me of an event that broke me and shattered me into a million little pieces. A few weeks ago, Keith (my pastor) remarked that some events in our lives (divorce, namely) amputates a family, and indeed, the events of this weekend so long ago, left me practically quartered. But unlike mythical creatures that can regenerate body parts, my spiritual body did not regenerate quite so easily... Much to the chagrin of fellow Christians... A magic pill alluded me for many years and people's disappointment at my lack of healing just sent me further down the rabbit hole. Scriptures and cliches were thrown at me with the hopes that something would stick, but my depression and despair deflected the words. I was too young to have the coping mechanism to grieve gracefully and I was bleeding out spiritually.
Eleven (yes, I am ashamed to say that even eleven long years doesn't numb the pain)- Eleven years ago, my life was turned on its ear. I sit here, alone, with old movies playing on my television in the background and I am no longer afraid to feel the pain of the loss all over again. It's at least bearable. I don't know that the pain will ever go away... mostly the pain is over the things that can never be. Most days I can keep a flat affect and shrug my shoulders over it, but I won't make myself tonight. I've got a feeling that many feel pain over these holidays... and we work really hard to put a smile on our faces and bite back the tears. But I'll share that I can't ever be "over" it. I'll always miss him and I'll always love him, regardless of how badly he hurt me and despite what others think that I feel over the matter. Is this what true forgiveness feels like? Well, that, for sure, is a theological debate that I can't wrestle with tonight.
It took me a long time to be at peace with the situation the way it is... it was a long process and the Lord was very patient with me during this time. He sent many wonderful people to love me and give me some perspective. And He gave me the strength to stand up for myself in a graceful way.
In recent years, while I allow myself to feel this pain and raise a metaphorical glass to what was and what will never be, I have come to a place where the Lord has taken these painful moments and turned them into moments to celebrate. The dichotomy is hard to swallow, but I do think it is important to be thankful for all the things that I do have... and that for a moment in time, I thought I wouldn't be allowed to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother... for a moment in my life, I thought I'd never have a husband whose birthday I would get to celebrate. And for this year, I get to do both all in one day as well as celebrate my own wonderful mother... is this what "joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) means? "Though He slays me, yet will I hope in Him..." (Job 13: 15)???
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." - Psalm 23: 4-6
So for you reading this, take heart. I do not pause to gloat... I pause to celebrate with the prayer that the Lord will show Himself to you like He has shown Himself to me... to thank Him for not leaving me in the mud and mire... "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34: 18
"Praise be to the Lord, for He showed His wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. In my alarm I said, 'I am cut off from Your sight!' Yet You heard my cry for mercy when I called to You for help." - Psalm 31: 21-22
All of this reminds me of a scene from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," during which Brick is taunting his wife Maggie and continues in his attempts to push her away. He said to her, "What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?" and she says, "Just staying on it, I guess, long as she can." Sometimes we just have to hang on...
May you, brokenhearted beloved, find Him in your pain... find the strength to hang on... may you feel His loving arms wrap around you... may you feel Him bind your wounds and give you a reason to sing His praises...
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