ghosts and angels

small stuff

I told a bit of my God-story today. It involved a lot of God being in the small every day stuff. Looking back I know it was big stuff but a long time ago, I thought I would have to go to Africa to see God move. But He kept me here in the South-

you see I wanted so badly to run away from my perception of the South that I wanted to go to Africa...

but God kept me here.

And the enemy so wants us to think that unless we are doing something BIG, that it's not enough.

But it IS.

You see the sacred is in the small.

I'll be honest - this threepocolypse season I am in is HARD. Like I just cried in my kitchen HARD. So to think the sacred is in the small is hard in the middle of a full on tantrum when my head is splitting wide open from a headache and my 9 year old is freaking out about state testing tomorrow and my 5 year old is yelling for no good reason. Lord, help! 

So my aim is to try to quiet the over-stimulation of my senses during these times and see the sacred in the small.

weary

"weary" does not begin to describe the season I've (rather WE) have been in.Since Christmas, it's been one thing after another. Some days, I've cried on the way to work, on the way home and anywhere in between. We've been spiritually kicked and physically aching, but we've just stayed in the fight. 

But this year, we have not relented. 

This Sunday 2 Samuel 23:9-10 were key verses. Verse 10 was already underlined in my Bible, but I needed this reminder...

2 Samuel 23:10 but Eleazar stood his ground and struck down the Philistines till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword. 

That'll preach right there.

My mom used to tell me in my younger day "the only thing you need to be afraid of is being out of God's will."

And being in His will means He has something for us to do. And that often comes with a fight because the enemy does not want us to experience God's presence... which we encounter when we are in His will doing the thing He has for us to do...

God has asked me and Heath to do some really crazy things for Him. I learned early on not to ask "why?" or "how?"

My mind is too finite for the WHY and it was for Him to show me the HOW.

But in the doing, I witnessed and still witness miracles - stories of people learning about Jesus and hearing the Good News.

Verse 10 goes on:

The Lord brought about a great victory that day. 

There could be not victory if he walked away, dropped the sword, shrugged...

This dude stood and fought...

What can we fight with? We wrestle

not against flesh and blood...(ephesians 6:12)

so we fight through

--prayer

--worship

--fasting

--acts of service

Whatever fight is before you, stand your ground... don't let go... God is with you and will surely bring forth a victory.

follow Me

following Jesus:

is not comfortable

is not profitable

is not popular

following Jesus:

is scary

is risky

is tiring

following Jesus means 

you get 

to see Him

to sit with Him

to feel His love

to be in His presence

to be in His will

to be on His radar

is where I want to be

labels

We live in a world of labels-

mom

woman

liberal

convservative

feminist

pro-life

pro-choice

Alabama

Auburn - ha ha

And I work in a work of labels:

special educatuon

autism 

learning disability

teacher

therapist

And people get keyed up if they get labeled incorrectly- a label in error can color others' perception, boxes you in to expectations and tells you something about yourself you'd rather not know about yourself.

I've been struggling with my labels... and how the implied responsibility affects me emotionally.

About the time this all came to a head, I was gifted Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen. I'm only two chapters in but it's helping chip off the chains of the implied expectations.

And three days after I finished chapter two of Nothing to Prove, I arrived at a conference for speech-language pathologists in the state. We were given badges with our names and school district. And at the same table, the volunteers were offering ribbons to add on to your badge. And these ribbons had labels like "trailblazer." I picked up a few and put them in my bag- those labels that I wanted to be.

As I sat in the first session, other SLPs from my district sat around me. And they handed me the ribbons with the labels that I secretly wanted to be! "THIS one is Soooooo you, Buffy!!!" 

"Aaaaand THIS one!"

Wow. THIS is what people see in me.

What if we told the people in our lives how we feel about them? Maybe they wouldn't believe the lies the enemy tells them? Maybe they would have the courage to soldier on knowing someone was cheering them on.

Words can make or break. I know this full well. Do you believe the lies of how the enemy labels you or do you hear the names the Father calls you?

Child.

Loved.

Mine.

May we hear the Lord's names for us.

And act accordingly.

doors and signs

i put a do not distrub sign on this door of my life 

so i can concentrate on the task that has a deadline

then i take the sign down and put it on another door at 5 p.m. to tell the world i must focus on the happenings inside my home

then I take it down and put it on a door further in

where He is

for just a moment

    to praise

    to thank

    to hug

some days all the doors are open and the windows too

and some days all the doors are closed as introverts tend to do

some seasons are made for windows open with the breeze coming through

and other seasons the doors are closed to protect us from the wind and rain.

i have nothing to prove

i am here for the audience of One.

valentine

the lesson of the tornado

Saturday January 21:
7:00 a.m.
I woke up, cooked breakfast, checked facebook, freaked out.
My hometown had been demolished by a tornado during the early morning hours.
I did a "roll call" that we all do when we need to check on people.
One by one, text messages rolled in, responses on facebook, phone calls.

8:30 a.m.
I sent my husband to the store for the obligatory roll of toilet paper (and other "tornado party supplies"): the radars showed it was heading this way next.... we prepped.
Mattresses in the hallway.
Flashlights, candles, matched located.
We turned the television down. We waited.

10:00 -ish a.m.
phone alerts buzzing.

10:24 a.m.
rain
buckets of rain
"Is that the siren?" I ask.
We sit in the hallway.

10:43 a.m. the train sound starts up - keeping a 9 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old still in the hallway is a challenge let me tell you.

11:00 a.m. the train sound stops- a tornado had hit near my son's school. I'm a wreck.

From then on, we were a nervous wreck. I tried to be a clown to keep the kids calm, but they felt the electricity in the air. We had another round of storms set for Saturday night. We hunkered down. I saw the pictures from the wreckage of Hattiesburg and Petal and I cried. I was just there less than a month ago for Christmas. The places the tornado hit were places that I visited... I cried... for the destruction and for the close calls....

Sunday January 22, 2017: I was set to be on the worship team. Another round of storms set to hit as church would be letting out. I went to church alone and to the grocery store after. By the time I got home the rain was pouring. A little later, we would be warned of a tornado about 20 miles away... and then a tornado in South Georgia... more destruction, more devastation....

Since Sunday, my heart has gotten more and more heavy. The loss and destruction. I worry for those who don't know Jesus and for whom this situation would drive them further from the Lord. I can't stop looking at the photos... it blows my mind... I know the people in the photos... I know those homes... that's my elementary school...

Monday, I held it all together.
Tuesday, I lost it.

So today, I see a picture that sent me down a rabbit hole... I'm about to show my hand at how weak my faith is... and how awesome God is... it's a photo of the Bible in the chapel at William Carey College... and it's still on the podium... wet, but not soaked, not even a page torn, the window above it blown out.

I don't understand God, but I just had to ask Him... How do You choose? How do You choose who to save and who to take? How do You choose who's house was hit and who's house wasn't?
And my questioning sent me back to my miscarriage and how angry I was at Him for not answering my prayer and for allowing that to happen....

And then, it was as if large hands took my head and gently set it askew... Look at it this way.... and what I could see was His hand in protecting the Bible despite the window blowing out- I could see Him saying "despite THIS moment, I am here." I could see that for 145 mph winds, there were no deaths in Petal. I could see the churches coming together and the organizations and the major companies dispatching to Petal. I could see that despite the national and political chasm, people put those things aside to help others in need. [maybe, y'all got that.... it took me a minute]

Sometimes I imagine God saying to me "you ask questions that have answers that are too big for your brain to comprehend." And I sigh and am thankful that He knows me.  And I'm thankful that He takes time to help me through stuff.

It took me a long time to be appreciate my Southern roots.... and I hate to say tragedy often shows you all the good stuff when it gets threatened.

I'm praying for my friends and family in South Mississippi. I know that South Georgia is experiencing this kind of pain too... I am praying for y'all too.

I am thankful He is Emmanuel, God with us... even in the 145 mile per hour winds.

is grace like an IEP goal?

I work as a speech-language pathologist in a local school district. I work with different kids with different abilities and disabilities. And I write a lot of IEPs... I mean a lot of IEPs. (IEPs are the plans for student who need special education services at school)

I focus on the student's speech and language skills- so the goals I write focus on certain sound productions, language concpets and the occasional stutterer. Sometimes, when we get to the next IEP, the child's made progress on a goal but not yet mastered the skills- so we usually rewrite the goal or change our approach or decide to keep on keepin' on...

this scenerio played out in my life this week.

I did not achieve a goal that I had set for myself. Yes, I know it's not the end of the world but this was making my life challenging at the moment.

So I reached out to one of my best friends who always has the right perspective- her advice: stopping beating yourself up- figure out what did not work- plan for next time- and keep on keepin on. 

Well, a solution appeared through another friend so that I could stay in the fight. 

But I still sat to reassess that goal. Just like I did with a student's IEP goals this week. 

So maybe grace is like IEP goals- we work towards the goal but give ourselves the grace to stumble along the way with the understanding that we need to keep going...

2016 year in review or you gotta know when to hold 'em

 I'm 5 days into 2017 and I haven't been able to write my year-in-review blog.... because 2016 was kinda blah.

It was the worst of times; it was the best of times.

We experienced a lot of loss and a lot of gain.

I found a lot of mercy and healing as well as a lot of disappointment in people I thought I could depend on. I sang Kenny Rogers "you've gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run" many times to myself. I haven't felt especially inspired and yet the art that I've set out into the world is still out there doing its thing. My blog was shared on the American Speech-Language and Hearing Associations website (super cool) and I was featured on the Nerdist site this year (also super cool). This blog has gotten more hits this year than ever before (say wha?!?!)

I've never second-guessed myself as much as I have this year and yet I just had to keep on keepin' on.

I've gotten more answers to managing my allergies. I've figured out how to plan meals and budget properly (sad I know it's taken so long). 

But I think there's something to be said for breaking bad habits, finding healing, walking away when you need to, standing firm when you must. Sometimes the "being" part of "be still" is a battle.

And still I can say I've seen the Lord's hand in the mundane everyday... in the stress of work... in the exhaustion of being a working mom... He is still there. And that's amazing to me. 

I've made some changes and maintained  some standards this year. Some days it was enough just to brush my teeth. 

I'm also not very inspired about 2017. I'm battle worn but still in the fight. Three words keep coming to me: "awaken," "new" and "hope". Not even sure why.

However, I am of the very firm opinion that we need to be a little inconvienced for Jesus this year. I think we need to be bothered by the social injustice that surrounded us last year. I think we're gonna have to advocate a little louder and learn about issues and sub cultures who have been wounded by the Church.

So where is this all headed? I have no idea. But I know in Whom I trust and Who calls the stars by name. 

So like so many times before, I pray Jehoshaphat's prayer: "O Lord, we don't know what to do, but our eyes are on you." (2 Chronicles 20)

May we find Jesus in every place we go...

May we love like Jesus loves...

May we be the light in dark places...

Amen