follow the star

Jesus, the toddler

Luke 1:31 - "You will call Him Jesus" -

my toddler has been getting into everything lately- like all the ornaments are off the tree and eggs smashed on the kitchen floor.... this season, I'm wondering how Jesus was has a toddler...

did He get into everything like my toddler does? was He mischievous?

How did Mary respond to Him as a toddler?

Wouldn't I love to know!

"there is a river"

the. river. 
Ezekiel 47:1-12 Then he brought me back to the door of the temple, and behold, water was issuing from below the threshold of the temple toward the east for the temple faced east. The water was flowing down from below the south end of the threshold of the temple, south of the altar. Then he brought me out by way of the north gate and led me around on the outside to the outer gate that faces toward the east; and behold, the water was trickling out on the south side. Going on eastward with a measuring line in his hand, the man measured a thousand cubits, and then led me through the water, and it was ankle-deep. Again he measured a thousand, and led me through the water, and it was knee-deep. Again he measured a thousand, and led me through the water, and it was waist-deep. Again he measured a thousand, and it was a river that I could not pass through, for the water had risen. It was deep enough to swim in, a river that could not be passed through. And he said to me, “Son of man, have you seen this?”Then he led me back to the bank of the river. As I went back, I saw on the bank of the river very many trees on the one side and on the other. And he said to me, “This water flows toward the eastern region and goes down into the Arabah, and enters the sea; when the water flows into the sea, the water will become fresh. And wherever the river goes, every living creature that swarms will live, and there will be very many fish. For this water goes there, that the waters of the sea may become fresh; so everything will live where the river goes. Fishermen will stand beside the sea. From Engedi to Eneglaim it will be a place for the spreading of nets. Its fish will be of very many kinds, like the fish of the Great Sea. But its swamps and marshes will not become fresh; they are to be left for salt. And on the banks, on both sides of the river, there will grow all kinds of trees for food. Their leaves will not wither, nor their fruit fail, but they will bear fresh fruit every month, because the water for them flows from the sanctuary. Their fruit will be for food, and their leaves for healing.” 

I am obsessed with this river concept- my baby's middle name is Rivers... (and it's the lead singer for Weezer's name 😊)... it is a paradigm that I can understand- a place where I can view this walk with Lord as I have been walking this path for most of my life (that is a nod to my mother and nothing I have done in and of myself).

My beloved church (Christ Community Church Columbus , GA and Phenix City, AL campus) introduced this concept as a model for our church in two-thousand-something (early 2000s) and I've added in my own love notes about theses points on the river (so props to the speakers who brought these messages to us)

The Lord's  been teaching me something through this model... I felt it was important to write it down so I could remember:

1. what is the river? Ezkekial 47:9-

Well, for me, the river is the path life takes us.  Some people ride in a boat on top of the water, but God calls us to jump in over our heads. The levels go ever deeper and once we reach deep water- over our head- we lose control... we tend to pray "not my will, but Your will be done, O Lord..."

- but instead of drowning, the water supports us- you aren't drowning: you are supported! our spiritual

man can breathe there- we are no longer in the flesh- no longer the mammals we were born to- but the fish in the River of Life that He desires us to be

The points on the River helps organize our church:

*worship- worship is giving back to God what He'a given to you, Oswald Chambers said. Which is why I love a good worship set. 

I tend to get stuck at this point of the River because well it's my favorite. I've been singing all my life and singing on worship teams all my life.

Worship is an important part of my connection with God- this is where we (me and God) respond to each other- David connected deeply with God through music and I found I can do the same.

As it's been explained through sermons at CCC, worship is a vertical relationship in expressing love to God and a horizontal relationship in loving others.

Other points on the River-

*Grow- This is about growing our spiritual life

*Connect- with a body of believers through community groups to do life together and help lighten the load

*Serve- in the Church and outside the Church

*Live- ordinary people living extraordinary lives in word and deed.
p.s. I'm not an expert about all this.... if you can't tell... but I like the metaphor...

2. how to make sure you stay in the river:
the key to this is to be intentional about the points of the River and community- and intentional in our relationship with Christ.

3. the tributaries:
thinking about the River, people will come and float along for a while and sometimes the current of God's Will takes them down those tributaries away to other dry lands.

If we all had the same assignment here on earth, nothing would get done. People who need to see Jesus could never see Jesus.

When people were no longer present in my life (for whatever reason), I have felt abandoned. But I think God is showing me that there are seasons... see number 5. 

4. the fruits of the spirit-
 "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control..." Galatians 5:22 & 23 - well, near the river, there will be vegetation growing alongside... and the beauty about the Fruit of the Spirit is that- it's not the Fruit of Buffy... it's the Fruit of the Spirit... it's HIS job to bring forth this fruit (what freedom! what a privilege to witness!)

5. seasons on the river:

the river never stands still- so I need to accept changes with grace- it ebbs and flows- there are pools of stillness and rest and moments of being swept along at a gentle steady pace- there are rapids and rocks- there may be waterfalls that plunge us to the depths below- there may be floods good and bad- there's winter, spring, summer and fall- (this one is preaching to me as I don't like change! but who does?)

6. when we jump into the River with our burdens, the weight of our burdens dissipates throughout the buoyancy of the water around us- wow- doesn't the fear of risking it all become a little easier to overcome? knowing the benefits of immersing ourselves in Him speak louder than the fear of jumping in.

One of my favorite movies is "O Brother, Where Art Thou" because of this following scene:

Delmar: The preacher says all my sins is warshed away, including that Piggly Wiggly I knocked over in Yazoo.

Everett: I thought you said you was innocent of those charges?

Delmar: Well I was lyin’....
And the preacher says that that sin’s been warshed away too. 
Neither God nor man’s got nothin’ on me now!
C’mon in boys, the water is fine.

.... yes... come on in, y'all... the water is fine....

Choosing to Love

I wrote this on November 16, 2016. But I just now felt brave enough to post it:

Today is my 16th wedding anniversary.
If you know us, you know our story:
Hubby's band drove 350 miles to play an underground punk rock church venue.
He said from the stage: "I want you to pray a prayer that you think is ridiculous... a prayer you think the Lord would never answer... but have faith that He might..."
So I prayed "Hey, Lord, I'd like to have a guy just like him..."
After the show, I brushed my hair behind my ear as I nervously approached the merchs table and said "Hey, I really like what y'all did up there."
"thanks," he said. "Why don't you sign up for the mailing list so you can know when we get the CDs in?  Do you have e-mail yet?"
"Yes, I do have an e-mail address," I replied and picked up the pen to write down my name and email address.  That was late August 1999.
A week or so later, he sent out an email with a theological rant and a prayer request...
I was the only one to answer.
Then he wrote back. (gasp) And signed his stage name.
Then I wrote back.
Then we started chatting via AIM instant messenger with the dial up internet connection.
And then he wrote "If you lived in town, I'd ask you to go to the movies with me and I'd let you pick the movie." (gasp)
And then he booked a show in my hometown... and we got to hang out.

Over the course of that senior year of my undergraduate year, we were able to hang out from time to time either in his hometown or in mine... we talked on the phone a lot... we sent a lot of emails... and we chatted over instant messenger.

When my dad left us, I invited myself to visit him.
When I left, his nannie told him that if he didn't get me a ring someone else would...
So July 2000, during the most difficult time of my life... when my dad was leaving us... he proposed marriage....

And I chose to love. 

Please, please, please take note of my grammar there... it's on purpose... and I think it's pretty clever of me to finally be able to put it down... (insert winking emoji).

For eons, as long as man and woman had breath, people have blamed their actions on emotions... chiefly, on love. And sometimes really destructive actions...
Empires have been brought down in the name of Love.

But, Christians, today, I propose that we realize that Love is a multiple meaning word- and for the World, "Love" has many meanings... but for the Church, (I propose) that "Love" becomes a verb... an action word... something that we do... which is why I said that I choose TO love and not that I choose love... (see what I did there?)

In all the years that I've had relationships crumble around me, confrontations made and failed, and people make empty promises, the deciding factor is what I choose to do.

Love isn't some wild river sweeping us from person to person... it's steady, consistant action-

Look here in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 (NIV) - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Given this definition of Love, maybe we've been doing some things wrong... maybe we need to re-examine ourselves and chart another course....
One in which Love is not the destination or, in the words of Clint Black, a place that we fall...
Maybe we set a course in which we set our eyes on Christ to show us what Love is supposed to be--

16 years is a long time to be married these days...
Divorce is a tender subject to me... it's like my miscarriage... there's no real easy way to talk about it and when I do, I cry... even after all these years...

and I don't really want to write about divorce here, because that's another rabbit hole that I don't want to touch today because it's a slippery slope that would take me from my bigger point here...

Christian, we must learn what the action of Love looks like...
Feeding the poor...
taking care of the widows and the orphans...

So I don't want to scold you, Church. I know you have good intentions.

But I don't get up every day and feel all lovely dovey and see rainbows and bubbles and unicorns...

this season of life is HARD.  Little people are every where wanting the things... like food... and needing protecting... from like climbing the kitchen cabinets...
And some of the people in my life who are currently in my action list to love ARE HARD PEOPLE TO LOVE....
(p.s. I'm aware that I'm hard to love as well so I can say this because I know it's true of me).

But do you see how I put "to" in front of "love" to denote action?

We have to be intentional (buzz word) to grow the Kingdom (focus for the Free Methodists) by loving ("-ing" denoting action) people. 

WHY WON'T I JUST END THIS BLOG ALREADY? Because I am just getting to the good part...
WHY SHOULD I LOVE (ACTION WORD) PEOPLE? Because Jesus first loved me...

Jesus loved people because He felt compassion for us in our lowly, messed-up state.
He loved me and came after me in my pit of mud and mire.
And He asks us to do the same so that we can lead the people back to Him.

So here's the song that I quoted from the Great Clint Black. This song came out after a bad break up, before I met hubby... and it started me to realize that what I had been taught about falling in love wasn't the Love I was looking for.

I know we have a lot of work to do... I pray that Lord shows us the people to love and the actions we need to take in loving the unlovely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFas-cB9LG8

I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
I still believe the words we said
Forever will ring true
Love is certain, love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn't something that we find
It's something that we do
It's holding tight, lettin' go
It's flying high and laying low
Let your strongest feelings show
And your weakness, too
It's a little and a lot to ask
An endless and a welcome task
Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start
It gives me heart remembering how
We started with a simple vow
There's so much to look back on now
Still it feels brand-new
We're on a road that has no end
And each day we begin again
Love's not just something that we're in
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start
Love is wide, love is long
Love is deep and love is strong
Love is why I love this song
And I hope you love it too
I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
Love isn't just those words we said
It's something that we do
There's no request too big or small
We give ourselves, we give our all
Love isn't someplace that we fall
It's something that we do

the tension of being southern and how the voting precint is like Heaven

Living in the South is to live in tension:
black.... white...
rich.... poor....
educated... street smart... under-educated...
Alabama... Auburn...
Baptist... Methodist...
Ford... Chevy...

There is so much tension in the South.

I think we are doing a better job of talking about the tension.
We used to just ignore it.

But even if we ignore the tension, one thing is for sure.

Whenever a neighbor is in need, we show up:
Regardless...
black.... white...
rich.... poor....
educated... street smart... under-educated...
Alabama... Auburn...
Baptist... Methodist...
Ford... Chevy...

I realized this today as I stood waiting to cast my vote today. I looked all around me and I thought "this is what Heaven will be like: all the races, ages, genders... all in one place... wouldn't this be Heaven on Earth if church was like this?"

While we strive for Heaven on Earth, I have come to thank God for being in the South...

it's dysfunctional sometimes...

but it's us...

it's ours...

we do the best we can...

like everyone else...

"my cup runneth over" cup 2016

here's "my cup runneth over" cup for the month of November- everyday I write down something I'm rhankful to God for- one year when I did this it was as simple as "thank God for the trees" (because I love trees)- anywhoo I know many of us struggle through the holidays... doing this gets my focus back to the audience of One 

on being inconvienced

on being inconvienced-

nothing went as planned today- nothing bad but just felt like nothing got done....

this is inconvienced- I don't twig out about inconviences anymore...

success

I used to think a successful life was a life devoid of struggles and tragedy... but really a successful life entails how you handle those struggles and tragedies.

just do it

if changing laws won't change hearts... what do we need to do? change hearts.

so whatever you are passionate about

whatever your last 10 facebook posts were about

whatever infuriates you is where your passion lies.

so: go volunteer at Sound Choices

    volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club or your local school

make sandwiches and pass them out to the homeless

what if it didn't matter that abortion was legal because no one wanted abortions?

what if we didn't need jails because there were no offenders?

what if I DID SOMETHING?

it doesn't have to be a big thing

and it doesn't have to be perfect

but YOU have to do something

prayer focus Monday Oct 10

Jehoshaphat's prayer

prayer focus for today

a call to prayer and fasting

I am severely concerned about this upcoming election. Severely concerned. If the news reports about the actions of the candidates are true, we’re in a world of hurt, y’all. The purpose of this post is NOT to debate about the candidates. And I will not engage in a senseless debate about them. They both suck. Period. Jesus, help us.

So I’m praying this morning- washing the dishes- asking the Lord to do SOMEthing – and the thought occurred to me to fast and pray.

And I’m asking you to stand with me and fast and pray as well. The Bible says that some demons don’t move unless fasting and praying commence.  We are not wrestling with people here- we are wrestling with principalities of darkness. And we have allowed ourselves to be divided over petty things.

Whatever your opinion is of me, don’t let that stand in the way of praying and fasting. I cannot fast all day long, but I will be fasting some food item(s). Maybe you’ll be challenged to fast an activity or an object.

If you have seen me or been in contact with me in the past few weeks you have seen me whining and complaining and behaving poorly when it comes to the challenges of life. And because you are good people, you gave me grace and understood and stood by me instead of judging me. Do not let my behavior keep you from praying for our country and for this election.

So how do we do this? Shall I post a verse for us to pray over in the mornings- pleading with the Lord for His protection? Y’all know I’m no saint, but I know Jesus loves me in all my mud and mire and I’ve seen Him respond to my requests. Should we do this? Will you stand with me? 

Jesus, catch me!

I sing. So one Sunday as I came off the stage, I received a compliment. I said thanks and remarked how scared I was- she said "you were scared?!" I said "I am terrified most of the time! My life is mostly me jumping off of cliffs and hoping Jesus will catch me!"

you are mine

the grief spiral

Grief spirals in its healing-
sometimes it spirals up-
some times it spirals down-
sometimes it spirals in the same spot-
and I hit the spot of pain every time- whether I'm going up or down or staying in the same spot-
and sometimes it hurts like hell and sometimes it's an ant bite-

but "I've learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages" (Spurgeon)- I have learned that regardless, He is.

1996

1996: "it was the best of times- it was the worst of times..."

that was 20 years ago, y'all. I understand the amazement with which my elders marvel at the passage of time- so much can happen in such a short amount of time.

What's awesome about the passage of THIS particular two decades is how technology has connected us- without the internet, my husband and I would not have been able to connect and get to know each other.  Without the internet, I would not be able to connect with my high school friends. And because of this connection through micro-fibers and over the miles, we were able to come together in Birmingham and re-unite after 20 years. We talked about the Present, we talked about the Future... and we dared to talk about the Past.

I posted a picture of us on Facebook at noon.  Throughout the afternoon, my phone lit up with notifications of "comments" and "likes" like it was Christmas or the Fourth of July. One comment in particular made me catch my breath: "I know it's already been said, but it really does seem like Erin should be there." Erin died in May 1994- the end of our sophmore year in high school. She and I had argued two days before her death in a car accident... I was in shock for a long time...
We had mentioned Erin here and there- Erin: the raven-haired beauty, unique, loud, lovely... she walked to the beat of her own drummer... which one did not do in 7th grade... but she did...

That evening at dinner, I don't know what spurred my friend to it, but she excused herself and returned to the table. A few minutes later, the hostess approached our table with a chair and sat it between us.

I looked up at the hostess: was this a blast from the past? Should I know who this girl is? What was the surprise?

I looked down at the chair. I looked at my friend. She was looking at her hands. "for Erin?" I breathed.

She nodded.

Did I say the curse word or did I just think it? And I silently eye-balled everyone around the table and glanced at the chair intermintently and mouthed "for Erin." And I lost it. Right there in a Mexican restruant in Birmingham, AL. I cried. I cried for all the time I lost in high school. I cried for all the pain I had bottled up. And we held hands and wept.

22 years after her death... 20 years after we graduated from high school. We cried.

As I drove back home alone, I wept. For the fact that I have such a special group of friends... some I have known since 3rd grade. I do not take that for granted. 

And I cried for a new revelation about grief:

What's misunderstood about grief is that greiving can take a long time. For me there are some tragedies that I can't "get over." Tragedy marks you. It can lead you down rabbit holes and you never come up for air. Or those rabbit holes lead you to Jesus... depends on the path you take at the cross roads.

What I've learned about grief is:
Don't be afraid to feel

don't be afraid of what people will say

don't be afraid to ask for help

God never said it would be an easy ride... only that He would be with us along the way...

for Erin:

why does it matter? a missive to mothers (and fathers) (even the fur-babies)

So I've been working all weekend catching up on laundry. And cleaning. And re-cleaning. And cleaning again. The cycle makes me think of the quote about the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and to expect different results.

A friend even asked the question on Facebook recently about why did it make sense to clean a house just for it to get messy again. 

Stay-at-home moms, working moms, fur-baby moms, I've been hearing you all talk about mommy guilt (I exclude you, men, at this point, because I've not heard you talk about daddy-guilt... is that a thing?) - and you've heard me talk about my mommy guilt: am I doing enough? I know that I'm screwing it up... [fyi, I know that I am.... and did our moms go through this? talk about a hamster wheel I want to get off of... I hate this feeling]. 

Okay so, follow me down this rabbit hole- I'm washing clothes for the boys' first days of schools and I'm labeling school supplies and I'm thinking about this new school year - my 13th as a school-based Speech-Language Pathologist - and I'm thinking about my caseload: I have a stash of dress shirts that my boys don't need because there was a gaggle last year who did not have dress shirts for awards day and they had a hard time with it.... and how I bought extra pencils and folders and tissue for my kids because they are not able to provide their own supplies.... and I'm thinking about those babies who will come to school without breakfast (and how I need to get a stash of snacks for those kids who even miss breakfast at school)... and I think about how I constantly refer to Maslow's hierarchy of needs when it comes to kids being ready to learn...

http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

When you look at the model, the first level is biological and physiological needs: food, water, shelter, clothing. The second level is safety needs. The third is love and a sense of belonging. The forth level is esteem needs. And the fifth level is self-actualization. Maslow's theory is that a person cannot reach his full potential if his basic  needs are not met.

So while I feel like my cleaning and house keeping and going to the job goes without any recognition and is meaningless, it's quite the contrary... my children cannot realize that they are grateful for my contributions. But they would be fully aware if those contributions were absent. Kids who come to school without clean clothes face ridicule from others - when they are hungry, they cannot concentrate to learn.

So, mommas (and daddies) get off that hamster wheel of mommy guilt and feeling that what you do does not matter. It does matter.

the answer lies in the woman at the well

I had the privilege of having a small high school reunion in Birmingham with my best friends from high school.  We have been through hell-fire these last 20 years (and while we were in high school) and found so much grace and hope and love still after all this time. It was a beautiful reunion.

We had so much to catch up on, but the national events were heavy on our minds. So much to the point where we would comment how kind people were being to each other and to us, taking our picture to commemorate the occasion.

So Sunday morning, we were eating breakfast at the hotel. The lady serving us seemed a bit weary so we went out of our way to say "thank you!" and make jokes with her. After a plate of eggs and sausage, I wanted something sweet, so I went over to the cereal. I could not find a dish nor could the lady standing next to me- she was older than me, my grandmother's age; a  black lady smartly dressed and with a cane. She spoke to me: "do you have any idea where the plates are?"

I said, "I am lookin' for the same thing."

Another person nearby directed us back across the expanse of the dining area.

Before I could offer, this lady said, "get me a plate, would ya?"

I said, "Of course! Do you want a plate or a bowl?"

"no matter!" she declared.

And off I went. I was smiling to myself. Heath's grandmother passed earlier this year. And my grandmother lives 6 hours from me. I found myself thoroughly enjoying being bossed around a grandmother-figure.
I returned with a bowl and she said, "Thank you so much! Thank you so much for your kindness!"
and I thought- that was no kindness really- I was right there- it'd been stupid of me not to get a dish for her as well. But the encounter did give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

On the way home, I was praying about these national events: the massacre at the gay club in Orlando, the shooting death of two black men by police officers and the killing of 5 police officers in Dallas.

It's so awful how we are all at each other throats and dividing our lives down different lines. And I'm wondering what my part in all of this is.... and I remember the recent sermons about the Woman at the Well....

John 4: 1-9 New International Version (NIV) (bible gateway)

Now Jesus learned that the Pharisees had heard that he was gaining and baptizing more disciples than John— although in fact it was not Jesus who baptized, but his disciples. So he left Judea and went back once more to Galilee.

Now he had to go through Samaria. So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon.

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)

Right there- see what Jesus did right there? He called out her worth. He said, "hey, can I have a drink of water?" And she said, "uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh, whaaaaaaa? Dude, I'm a Samaritan and you are a Jew- why are you even talking to me?" She could have said, "Uhm, I'm Black and you are White- why are you talking to me?" In my case a black lady asked me for a plate and I could have said, "But don't all the Black people hate all the White people right now?" (for the record, I don't believe that- just making a point here). This elderly black lady recognized my worth in that moment. 

Jesus took a chance and interacted with this woman and showed her her worth. Further in the passage, her life is changed by His crossing that cultural boundary and simply speaking to her.

Do we have chance encounters like this? Are there moments where we can be intentional in our day to day encounters? We will have to look for these opportunities. I think it's a practical first step. The second step? I'm not sure what that is... but I'm looking!

USS Alabama

during our vacation, we spent a day at Orange Beach and drove through Mobile on the way to Hattiesburg. We were able to catch a glimpse of the USS Alabama... Heath shared the story that his grandfather was rescued by the USS Alabama from the war in the Pacific (WW2 if I remember correctly). He was one of 3 in his unit who survived. And we marvelled at the fact that none of us would be together (much less exist with Heath and the boys) if it had not been for the crew on that ship and whatever it took to get his grandfather on to that ship. I love how the Lord has our lives in His hands to such an extent that He goes way before and way behind us. And if He holds these major life events in our hands, then He holds the seemingly mundane. May we find ourselves aware of His hand in the ordinary moments of our lives as well as the extraordinary.

i figured it out

I finally figured out why it's so painful to watch kids grows up:

we remember the confusion and fear at unknown experiences.

we remember all the unrealistic expectations. 

we remember not knowing which way to go.

we remember feeling ugly and awkward and sweaty.

And I so wish I could save you from all that.

But I can't. I can help you find Jesus. and I can show you Love. And the rest? God's already built into your DNA.

orlando: two conversations in one post

I am really nervous to put this out into the universe. I am gonna sound really ignorant and probably hypcritical- but that's a risk I am going to take... 

for my sons' sake...

because there are some dialogues I need to be ready for as I send them out into the world.

When I was a kid, I felt sheilded from the news... I knew the Cold War was happening but I never knew all the other stuff... because we did not have the internet. Now I have to be really careful what my boys see and hear... we get all the news and all the details all the time.

When the Brock Turner news was hittin', it was easy to say what was wrong in that situation.

And when the news hit about the massacre in Orlando, it was easy for me to say what was wrong in this situation. (in case you are confused-all of it-all of it is wrong) 

Even when you found out it was a hate crime against people who are gay, Buffy? aren't you a Christian, Buffy? 

Yes- it's all wrong. Murder is wrong. 

So at this point of the dialogue in my head, it splits into a conversation with the world and a conversation with my community of Christian believers (I mean like my own personal church and my personal friends)-and it goes like this:

Church family, did you know there's this whole other disinfranchized group- there's a lot of different names for this group and I don't even know the one they prefer: Gay? Lesbian? LGBT? I feel so stupid. I had no idea. They are scared. And they have families who are hurting. And this group has some pretty big Church wounds and Lord, I hope I never inflicted. [I think we as Christians have two immediate action steps: apply the "don't"s of the Bible to ourselves and apply the "do"s of the Bible to the world-We've got enough issues to fill one hundred years of Sundays instead of wasting time pointing fingers (p.s. it's not working)].

To the world, I had no idea that those of you who are a part of the LGBT community hurt so bad. And I understand if you don't accept my apology- and I understand if you don't care that I have sat on my couch and cried over the news out of Orlando. It's horrific. I honestly don't have adjectives to describe this. 

To my sons: I will never condone your hurting another person- physically or other wise. Ever. Even when you disagree with him/her.

To those of you reading: either you think I am spot on or a complete fool. I get that. But I've got to work this out for myself. Like my religion 201 professor stated at the start of our course: "this is not the time or place to talk about who's right and who is wrong..." at this moment I don't want to talk about whose theology is right and who's wrong... people are hurting- we as Christians should respond in love.

abide -

I'm not gonna lie.

I have been stretched and pulled and challenged more these past 10 months in ways that I have never been stretched and pulled and challenged before.

Being a working mom has its special set of challenges.
And I won't get into a mommy war over the comments I make here.
Being a parent- mom or dad- an involved parent- takes time and energy- whether you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom... and each situation has a different set of challenges. I won't begin to guess at the challenges of staying at home day in and out because I am in a unique position of doing both: I work at the school district so I do get summer off. And I love it all.

If anything, I am battle worn- which happens a lot since I am an introvert and really get my energy from having alone time. And I am in some new territory.

I am going from a household of young children and infants to school-aged children and a toddler.

I am realizing that what's mistaken for the wish to keep my children young is really fear of the unknown. Fear that they are out of my reach. Fear that I can't control what people say to them. Fear that they will make the wrong choices.

I worry a lot about a lot of things. My prayers are pretty much my worries.
And the Lord is gracious to hear my prayers.

Recently, the word "abide" came to me several times in a day- from Facebook memes to conversations- this verse specifically-  John 15:5 Jesus says, "I am the vine, you are the branches- he who abides in me and I in him, bears much fruit- for apart from Me, you can do nothing" (NASB)

The word ABIDE struck me. So I looked up the definition: to stay or continue; to remain."

This brought to mind another verse: Psalm 46:5 "God is within her- she will not fail."

Strong words. A strong promise.

I just watched the Rogue One trailer again because I am such a Star Wars nerd... and a clip at the end struck me.... "if you continue to fight, what will you become?"
That could be taken a lot of ways - if you keep fighting, will you be come hard? Will you become what you are fighting?
Or will I become what I'm meant to be?
I'm staring at the blinking cursor waiting for an answer- I know that what I'm meant to be is in God's hands- and all I have is this moment- this moment of decision-

Will I keep fighting the Good Fight? Am I afraid of what people will think of me? Of what the fight will cost me?

Maybe.

But what will I miss out on if I don't fight?
again, you stupid blinking cursor, waiting for me to answer... I. don't. know.

But He does.
And I can rest in that.
I can rest in knowing I dedicated my sons to Him in a ceremony at the church when they were each three months old.

We. are. His.

Abide.

mother's day prayer

these children don't know it's Mother's Day and they're actin' up! lol! oh well- 

the fall of us all is the picture in our head of how things are SUPPOSED to be! 

so: here's to the messes, the detours, the sleepless nights, the lost figure, the achy backs, the defiance, the losses, the gains, the smiles, the laughter and the kisses-  

Lord, give me the stength to be Momma to this frat club You gave me- Let me be worthy of this call- Go before me and stay behind me to clean up the mess I make with them- Protect them when I'm not with them- Let them know You as they grow. Amen.

"so we meet again" -or- inside out

The biggest challenge of being a mom is keeping my feelings bottled up because there's so much to do in this season of my life... I've started and stopped writing this a few times to pull Mr. 2 year old off the counter.

If you know me, you know Mother's Day is a mixture of celebration and grieving. 

but Grief is a trickster. She comes out of no where and at such unexpected times. There are some of life's circumstances that cause pain but not much damage.

Then there are events that not only destroy the trajectory of your life but damage the very fabric of who you are. 

I can't explain why I even think about it- I can't help it coming to mind. I'd really rather I just never think about it again. But there it is- two tragic events staining a hallmark holiday. And as I think of my own pain, I remember others: single moms, moms who gave their children to others through adoption, the empty nester, the mom whose baby is in Heaven, the woman who could not conceive, the woman who has a broken relationship with her child... 

Being a Mom is mostly about the struggle- wrestling with my own insecurities and faults and failures. 

This isn't easy: celebrating and grieving at the same time- but it's do-able. And it's okay.

You know you are alive because you feel-- I don't know who coined that but I keep thinking this.

Also, the word ABIDE keeps coming to mind... just staying close to Jesus and praying He takes these struggles and is able to spin a story of His grace and love and of hope and redemption. In all the areas of my life.

So, I celebrate with those who celebrate and I see you who mourn with me this Sunday. 

We got this because He's got this.

Jesus flippin' tables -or- spring cleaning -or- why do i have to go to church

Sunday, I was with the kids during the church service and I fought tears through the story of Jesus' entry into Jerusalem on a donkey and everyone crying "Hosanna! Hosanna!" (I love that story!).

Even though I missed the sermon, I caught a summary of it and that it was based on John 2:13-22 -- one of my favorite Bible passages where Jesus flipped tables at the temple.  That story makes me wanna high-five the person next to me and yell "YEEEE-UH!!!! Jesus takin' care of business!!!"

But the summation of Sunday's sermon was more about how the temple for us now is our temple- our spiritual house- and that Jesus wants to clean that house and what would He find if He came in and pulled up the cushions... I didn't actually HEAR the sermon, but this was what I was catching was the gist of it.... anyhoo...

So my husband took my two oldest for an outing and the youngest is napping and I'm taking full advantage of an EMPTY HOUSE TO CLEAN IT...  SPRING CLEAN IT... DEEP CLEAN IT...

So the couch came from the wall... uhm, YUK... all the trash and toys underneath it... pure embarrassing...

Then the cushions came off the other couch... more of the same... and then I found that some of the fabric had come away from the back... and there was MORE TRASH AND TOYS...

I flipped the couch... and ALL.THE.TRASH... dear Lord, forgive me for letting my house get so gross!  But remember, last year, when I was SO sick and I was misdiagnosed and I couldn't change the babies diapers without my hands BLEEDING!  I could not clean properly last year either... DEAR JESUS!

But when I flipped the couch, I thought about this passage and how Jesus wants to clean the cobwebs of my heart... how He wants me to be functional and healthy spiritually speaking...

I mean, you know what happens if you don't properly clean your house: YOU GET SICK. The dust. The mold. The germs. All piled up. All on top of you. And on the ones you live with.

And this just made me finally realize the answer that some of you put to me from time to time:
WHY DO I NEED TO GO TO CHURCH?

Well, church is a good time to clean your spiritual house- can this be done at your home? yes.

But I gotta be honest: I get distracted at my house. Going to church REQUIRES ME to stop and assess my spiritual life.

It's like how I keep data on every kid for every speech therapy session: I do that so I can assess his progress and make plans for the next session- do we need to review some skills? can we go to the next level?

So anyway: this Sunday is Easter. It's a good time to hit the reset button. Don't let the enemy keep you from something new, something fresh, something amazing because of whatever- fill in the blank...

I pray that we all find His love in the story of His resurrection and hope for today and strength for the future...

if you could only see the way he loves me

valentine's day 1999.

I was a junior in college.

The only "real" boyfriend I ever had broke up with me months before.

He had told me that he wanted to marry me.

I bought in to his "I love you"-s and talk of marriage.

He was a good guy- just not the right one for me.

I always felt that we were in our first date- tense and guarded. I could never relax around him- I wanted so much for him to love me.

After all those months of being single again, I was okay being alone and was prepped that being alone was all I'd ever be. I was okay with that.

But Valentine's Day-- February 14 got a bad rap. It didn't want to be Valentine's Day anymore than I wanted to sit in class and listen to the girls talk about their dates that night.

It was early and I was driving to the university. I had to take a different route to school because I used to pass him on the road each morning. I was careful to take the new route that day.

I was listening to Tonic. And I was praying for God to help me through the day. "If you could only see" came on. And it was like God was singing it to me.

I had struggled for so long accepting God's love for me and in that moment, I got it- that He thought I was beautiful and He loved me. Just because. No good reason.

I thought about His death on the Cross. He did that for me. Who would die for someone He didn't love and find lovely?