When this New Year's Eve hits, I am thinking about my friends from high school... before Erin died... when we would spend the night at someone's house on New Year's Eve and eat ice cream from a Blue Bell ice cream tub and need to pass an apple around the table so that everyone would get a chance to talk. And I'm thinking about what a wonderful Christmas we had this year and all the great memories we made.
I am thinking about how this past year was so full of ups and downs that I don't know how my heart contained it all. My grandfather went to be with Jesus in February Buck the dog went to be with Jesus too in February. Brick was born in March. Heath was ordained in May. And the rest of the year was a struggle to keep from crying tears of sadness and pure joy. Hero's grown into such a sweet little man. Brick's doing very well. We've met the challenge of moving from a family of three to a family of four. I'm still not quite sure what I'm supposed to "do" being the "Reverend Mrs. Williamson" and I'm not quite sure that there is anything that I'm supposed to "do." Recovering from Brick's birth took a little longer than I would have liked for it to, but I'm getting there. We helped start a new community group which has been such a blessing to us. I've deepened friendships. I performed in "Joseph's Journey" at Christ Community which was a blast. Heath and I have both been employed and our family has had all that we need.
I'm not sure what 2013 has in store for us. I do want to make some changes, but those changes are do-able and not very drastic. On a larger scale, 2012 was a year of fear for our country: with the election, the economy, the fiscal cliff is threatening, crimes on a mass scale make us even more cautious... 2013 could be a scary year if I let it be.
But... I know that the God of the universe is holding me and my family in the palm of His hand. And I know that He knows the path that is before us. I know that because of this, I don't have to be afraid.
So, I pray that for all of us tonight, beloved... as we count down the minutes to a brand new year and think about all the changes we want to make and think about what's going on in America and how it will affect us personally... that the presence of the Almighty God is so strong that we no longer fear the present or the future... that His love is so strong and so real that we can no longer deny Him... and we stand in awe at His love, mercy and grace.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
unanswered prayers -or- withholding does not mean holding out
One technique that is frequently used
in speech therapy is called "withholding." It's
one of the very first techniques that we learn in school. And it's exactly
what it sounds like... when a child is whining or reaching for something, you
withhold the item and teach him how to request it with signs or with words. Remember your
mom saying, "I'm sorry, I can't read your mind... you have to tell me what
you want"? ... keep reading... I promise I tie all this together...
Two Sundays ago, our pastor gave such a great sermon about unanswered prayers that I had to blog my sermon notes for future reference... as well as some side notes from myself. Keep the "withholding" technique in mind. He cited many scriptures about prayer and answers to prayers.... the famous "ask, seek, knock" passage in Matthew 7 and this one:
Hebrews 4:15-16 New International Version (NIV)
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
These scriptures have been tossed at me, taken out of context all of my Christian life... it's so easy to get jaded by God because even though Scriptures can imply that God will give us whatever we want if we just ask, so often we are left stomping our feet with our faces up towards Heaven, with a two-year-old scowl on our faces. And the infamous question "Why, God?" on our lips. *guilty as charged* Seriously, I am so guilty of doing this... "Lord, You said if I had faith of a mustard seed, You would move the mountain... and you didn't give me that new car I wanted!"
I know that I've shared this story before, but it's so fitting here: after I suffered a miscarriage, I sat on the couch lamenting to Heath in the kitchen about how I had prayed and how I felt God had let me down... Heath suddenly stuck his head around the corner of the kitchen wall... "You know, maybe it's not that we serve a faulty God who can't answer our prayers... maybe it's that we've got a faulty theology when it comes to how He really operates." And even though we had come to this conclusion, our little puny human minds could not understand God's infinite wisdom.
Okay, back to what Keith said: so Keith said (in a nutshell)... answered prayer has conditions... that we must pray according to His will ... we must pray with pure motives... and that He will always answer your prayers: it just may not be the answer you were looking for... *I'll give you a moment to let that sink in*
During speech therapy, when I withhold from a child, I am not trying to be cruel or heartless... I am simply trying to convey, "Hey, I know that you've got more inside you than you are letting the world see... I am going to challenge you." And so it is with God... He pushes us to places where we can see more of Him and experience more of Him. I have to trust that He sees a bigger picture (so cliche, I know, but true).
So my prayer for you, beloved, is that in this moment of unanswered prayers, that you feel His arms wrap around you... that You hear Him whisper to you... that You understand that He wants the absolute best for you.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
2 for 1: "what my mother told me" & "primal screams"
Part One: "what my mother told me"
A post on Facebook from The MOB society prompted this question: where do you, as a mother to boys, go for some down time? This post just hit me in a spot that had been sore for weeks... between my 7 month old boy, my 5 year old boy, my husband, my job, my own postpartum issues and my other obligations, I have been drowning. Throw in delaying grief of my grandfather's death (because I was pregnant when he passed) and the upcoming holidays, I have been working hard to hold the dam of the tears to keep from erupting.... but I felt that I was about to burst wide open with all the pressure I felt mounting on me. This past Friday, I thought I was going to break with it all... as much as I love every single bit about my life, there are seasons of so much busy-ness that I just get plumb over-stimulated by all the noise and movement. My boys seem to thrive and become more energized by it all... I just have to work not to shut-down. So I typed a frantic text message to my mother as I sat in the parking lot of the grocery store: "How in the world did you do it all when we were little?" By the time I got home, she had written back, "close the doors to the bedrooms and the laundry room, and get on the floor and play with them... they won't be little for long."
And I took a deep breath after I lugged everyone and everything into the house... I put the groceries up quickly... and I got on the floor and played with my boys. Something broke in me at that moment.
So where do I go for some down time? In the midst of this wonderful mess of a life? I guess I go into that place in my heart where I sit down and count my blessings and let go of all the rest....
Part Two: "primal screams"
I guess it's no wonder that I have two boys of my own. The majority of my caseload is boys. But I saw a transaction between my own two that solidified what I've known in theory about boys: My oldest (stripped down to his skivvies) looked at his little bother (who was in nothing but his diaper) and just screamed this primal scream. Before I could say, "sshh! you are making my ears bleed!" my baby clamped his little hands into fists and bore out this weaker version, but just as passionate primal scream. They went back and forth with these primal screams for several exchanges... And they both laughed and squealed. They communicated and bonded in that moment in a kind of ritual that girls don't engage in. And I thought about how things had changed between my first born and I after I got down on the floor and played with him on Friday... changed for the better. And I thought about what I had learned in graduate school about learning styles and strengths in boys: how they are often more kinesthetic and tactile in their play and learning styles. And I think I actually heard the light bulb ding on over my head... physically playing more with the boys = deeper bond with mommy
A post on Facebook from The MOB society prompted this question: where do you, as a mother to boys, go for some down time? This post just hit me in a spot that had been sore for weeks... between my 7 month old boy, my 5 year old boy, my husband, my job, my own postpartum issues and my other obligations, I have been drowning. Throw in delaying grief of my grandfather's death (because I was pregnant when he passed) and the upcoming holidays, I have been working hard to hold the dam of the tears to keep from erupting.... but I felt that I was about to burst wide open with all the pressure I felt mounting on me. This past Friday, I thought I was going to break with it all... as much as I love every single bit about my life, there are seasons of so much busy-ness that I just get plumb over-stimulated by all the noise and movement. My boys seem to thrive and become more energized by it all... I just have to work not to shut-down. So I typed a frantic text message to my mother as I sat in the parking lot of the grocery store: "How in the world did you do it all when we were little?" By the time I got home, she had written back, "close the doors to the bedrooms and the laundry room, and get on the floor and play with them... they won't be little for long."
And I took a deep breath after I lugged everyone and everything into the house... I put the groceries up quickly... and I got on the floor and played with my boys. Something broke in me at that moment.
So where do I go for some down time? In the midst of this wonderful mess of a life? I guess I go into that place in my heart where I sit down and count my blessings and let go of all the rest....
Part Two: "primal screams"
I guess it's no wonder that I have two boys of my own. The majority of my caseload is boys. But I saw a transaction between my own two that solidified what I've known in theory about boys: My oldest (stripped down to his skivvies) looked at his little bother (who was in nothing but his diaper) and just screamed this primal scream. Before I could say, "sshh! you are making my ears bleed!" my baby clamped his little hands into fists and bore out this weaker version, but just as passionate primal scream. They went back and forth with these primal screams for several exchanges... And they both laughed and squealed. They communicated and bonded in that moment in a kind of ritual that girls don't engage in. And I thought about how things had changed between my first born and I after I got down on the floor and played with him on Friday... changed for the better. And I thought about what I had learned in graduate school about learning styles and strengths in boys: how they are often more kinesthetic and tactile in their play and learning styles. And I think I actually heard the light bulb ding on over my head... physically playing more with the boys = deeper bond with mommy
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
spring cleaning in the fall -or- the "Follow Me" sermon series at Christ Community
This week is the start of my fall break at work... 3 blissful weeks of not working! So what do I do? Spring clean like I should have in the spring. But Brick came in the spring so I out of commission.
Today, I tackled under my bed... the more stuff I pulled out, the more memories came. Good memories, sad memories. Lots of movies- and the memories associated with those times. Despite the memories and all the dust stirred up, it was good to clean out and throw some things away.
"Why am I holding on to these things?" I thought several times.
And then I thought about the sermons of the past few weeks at Christ Community...
- a call to come and die to self
- take up our crosses and follow Jesus
- to abandon our will to His and obey
But just like the reasons I had for holding on to all these things that were under my bed, I have reasons for holding on to spiritual things...
- I don't want to be a victim again
- I am scared of the pain
- I feel like I lack the resources to do what He has asked of me
I know that the Lord is saying to me TAKE MY YOKE AND YOU WILL FIND REST (Matthew 11:29).
I know that the Lord is saying to me to LIVE FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE.
I know that He is saying DO NOT BE AFRAID... THE BATTLE IS MINE.
It seems like every day, I have to go through this pep talk... reminding myself who God IS and who I am in HIM. So I will just keep giving myself this pep talk every day... hopefully, it will become part of my spiritual DNA soon. And while I chide myself for having to go through this same ole talk every single day... for allowing myself to get to this place over and over again... I do celebrate the fact that the Lord is gracious and merciful towards me... even if I wait until the fall to do my spring cleaning.
Today, I tackled under my bed... the more stuff I pulled out, the more memories came. Good memories, sad memories. Lots of movies- and the memories associated with those times. Despite the memories and all the dust stirred up, it was good to clean out and throw some things away.
"Why am I holding on to these things?" I thought several times.
And then I thought about the sermons of the past few weeks at Christ Community...
- a call to come and die to self
- take up our crosses and follow Jesus
- to abandon our will to His and obey
But just like the reasons I had for holding on to all these things that were under my bed, I have reasons for holding on to spiritual things...
- I don't want to be a victim again
- I am scared of the pain
- I feel like I lack the resources to do what He has asked of me
I know that the Lord is saying to me TAKE MY YOKE AND YOU WILL FIND REST (Matthew 11:29).
I know that the Lord is saying to me to LIVE FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE.
I know that He is saying DO NOT BE AFRAID... THE BATTLE IS MINE.
It seems like every day, I have to go through this pep talk... reminding myself who God IS and who I am in HIM. So I will just keep giving myself this pep talk every day... hopefully, it will become part of my spiritual DNA soon. And while I chide myself for having to go through this same ole talk every single day... for allowing myself to get to this place over and over again... I do celebrate the fact that the Lord is gracious and merciful towards me... even if I wait until the fall to do my spring cleaning.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Love you anyway...
When Heath and I were first married, we argued like young married people do... and one time, after I apologized for my mistake, I said, "just love me anyway..." So it's been a running thing with us when we make a mistake against the other... after the apology comes the "just love me anyway, okay?"
This past week, after Hero misbehaved, I put him to bed after disciplining him and I said, "You know that I love you anyway, right?" Of course he doesn't... but I had to tell him that I still love him despite his actions.
Of course this made me think about how God love us anyway... despite making the same mistakes over and over again...
Then tonight, Hero jumped on me while I was sitting on the floor and said "I love you, Mommy!"
"Aw, I love you, too, Hero!" I said.
"Yeah, Mommy, I love you anyway!"
I chuckled... "I'm glad you love me anyway... I get upset and tired a lot and I need you to love me anyway!"
This past week, after Hero misbehaved, I put him to bed after disciplining him and I said, "You know that I love you anyway, right?" Of course he doesn't... but I had to tell him that I still love him despite his actions.
Of course this made me think about how God love us anyway... despite making the same mistakes over and over again...
Then tonight, Hero jumped on me while I was sitting on the floor and said "I love you, Mommy!"
"Aw, I love you, too, Hero!" I said.
"Yeah, Mommy, I love you anyway!"
I chuckled... "I'm glad you love me anyway... I get upset and tired a lot and I need you to love me anyway!"
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
"I don't know how"
So many things my son says to me reflect my own relationship with God the Father... and I just had to sit down and type this one out so I don't forget it.... ever....
He woke up with this punk attitude. Probably because he didn't get enough sleep last night. So I was correcting him for the 100th time this morning and I said, "you aren't showing me the Fruits of the Spirit, are you?' He held his little hands up in a shrug and said, "but I don't know how."
Duh, I said to myself. I can barely display the Fruits of the Spirit myself... how can I expect him to?
Above and beyond all the other theological discusses I could insert here, this is the one I am going for today: why do I expect my child to be born with this perfect behavior? Like since he's born into a Christian home, he will automatically act like he should?
So here's the morale of this revelation for today, boys and girls: Christ is gentle and loving towards me in all the mistakes that I've made in my life... He has been faithful to bring forth the Fruits of the Spirit in my own life so that my quality of life has improved... and only just recently at that. (Why have I ever been fooled into thinking that when I accepted Christ, I automatically knew how to be a Christian?)
And I'm not trying to say that it's okay to act however we want to act. Paul warned us against this mentality in Romans 6- "what shall we say then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means!"
My point is this: my son(s) don't know how to be a Christian... it's my responsibility to teach them.
Friday, July 6, 2012
say it again...
Even as I try to type this out, my almost-5-year-old son is at my elbow talking to me. He talks non-stop and my almost-4-month-old is already a chatterbox... which is great in some ways... but when I am trying to concentrate on something or have an adult conversation, it gets in the way. so...many...questions... I get sensory overload at it all sometimes, to be honest.
The flipside of this coin is that I have to say the same thing 50 times and sometimes sign for him to get what I am saying to him... and this is where most ladies would insert some kind of joke about men not listening... ha, ha, ha... but I'm not... because the truth of the matter is that this just convicts me of something in my own relationship with my Heavenly Father... like how I like to tell Him all kinds of stuff and not listen to what He is trying to tell me....
I know that He is constantly trying to calm my fears and soothe my anger and just encourage me, but I'm too busy complaining about it.
Lord, help me to hear Your voice in this noisy world.
The flipside of this coin is that I have to say the same thing 50 times and sometimes sign for him to get what I am saying to him... and this is where most ladies would insert some kind of joke about men not listening... ha, ha, ha... but I'm not... because the truth of the matter is that this just convicts me of something in my own relationship with my Heavenly Father... like how I like to tell Him all kinds of stuff and not listen to what He is trying to tell me....
I know that He is constantly trying to calm my fears and soothe my anger and just encourage me, but I'm too busy complaining about it.
Lord, help me to hear Your voice in this noisy world.
Friday, June 1, 2012
IEP writing -or- finding the strength in the weakness
So if you know me, you know that I work as a Speech-Language Pathologist. I work with school-aged kids who have a variety of medical diagnoses and a variety of communication disorders. Some can't say the "r" sounds. Some can't answer questions. For every Individualized Education Plan, I have to include a statement about the child's strengths as well as their weaknesses.
On Sunday (give me a minute, I will tie this in, I promise), I went to pick up Son No. 1 from his class after service. As I approached the door, I heard his voice raised and rough, "THAT IS NOT MINE!" I did not hear the teacher's reply. Oh, Lord, I prayed, what has he done? When I opened the door, I saw that Son No. 1 was calm and smiling; the teacher was smiling at him... I put on a tight smile, ready for a report: "Hello! How's it going?"
His sweet teacher looked up at me. "You know," she started, "I just love his passion!"
"His passion?!" I laughed. "Yeah, that's a nice way of putting it."
She related the story to me that she had handed the wrong set of papers to Son No. 1 and he vehemently exclaimed, "THAT IS NOT MINE!" I looked down at Son No. 1: "really," I started to scold, "all you have to do is say nicely, 'Those aren't my papers.' You don't have to get loud about it."
I looked up with an apology on my lips, but his sweet teacher chuckled, "no, really, he is so passionate! And so sweet! I just love that boy!"
I laughed. I said, "He has such a temper and we are constantly working with him about it... but yeah, I guess that's one way look to at it that way-- maybe start working his temper into more appropriate indignation?" I smiled weakly, but I walked away pondering this exchange. All week, I've been thinking about this exchange. And feeling a bit convicted.
Why is it so easy for me to look at other people's kids and be able to see their strengths? And why is it so hard for me not to do this with my own almost-school-aged boy? I've always wanted to be so careful to raise him with a healthy dose of self-esteem and not beat him down...
So I've been praying for the Lord to help me see Son No. 1's weaknesses as potential strengths... as well as Son No. 2 as he grows out of infancy into toddler-hood. Instead of snapping a direction toward Son No. 1, taking the time to shape the behavior into something that could be used to further the Kingdom one day.
What are some "negative" behaviors you see in your kids that could be used for good one day? I need some help in what some of our "negatives" can be shaped in to!
On Sunday (give me a minute, I will tie this in, I promise), I went to pick up Son No. 1 from his class after service. As I approached the door, I heard his voice raised and rough, "THAT IS NOT MINE!" I did not hear the teacher's reply. Oh, Lord, I prayed, what has he done? When I opened the door, I saw that Son No. 1 was calm and smiling; the teacher was smiling at him... I put on a tight smile, ready for a report: "Hello! How's it going?"
His sweet teacher looked up at me. "You know," she started, "I just love his passion!"
"His passion?!" I laughed. "Yeah, that's a nice way of putting it."
She related the story to me that she had handed the wrong set of papers to Son No. 1 and he vehemently exclaimed, "THAT IS NOT MINE!" I looked down at Son No. 1: "really," I started to scold, "all you have to do is say nicely, 'Those aren't my papers.' You don't have to get loud about it."
I looked up with an apology on my lips, but his sweet teacher chuckled, "no, really, he is so passionate! And so sweet! I just love that boy!"
I laughed. I said, "He has such a temper and we are constantly working with him about it... but yeah, I guess that's one way look to at it that way-- maybe start working his temper into more appropriate indignation?" I smiled weakly, but I walked away pondering this exchange. All week, I've been thinking about this exchange. And feeling a bit convicted.
Why is it so easy for me to look at other people's kids and be able to see their strengths? And why is it so hard for me not to do this with my own almost-school-aged boy? I've always wanted to be so careful to raise him with a healthy dose of self-esteem and not beat him down...
So I've been praying for the Lord to help me see Son No. 1's weaknesses as potential strengths... as well as Son No. 2 as he grows out of infancy into toddler-hood. Instead of snapping a direction toward Son No. 1, taking the time to shape the behavior into something that could be used to further the Kingdom one day.
What are some "negative" behaviors you see in your kids that could be used for good one day? I need some help in what some of our "negatives" can be shaped in to!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
The Reverend Mrs. Williamson
So the title of this blog is a little tongue-in-cheek, but I guess it's true! Yesterday, I knelt by my husband as he was ordained for ministry by the elders of the Free Methodist Church. I've been floating on this God-cloud since then. I'm not even sure how to sort through all these emotions, much less how to get it down. But I don't want to forget anything.
If you know me at all, you know what I mess I've been spiritually speaking. I'm not saying that I've got it all together either. I'm reluctant to post this all in a blog, but I cannot miss this opportunity to share what the Lord's done in my life.
First off, I'm really humbled. Yesterday was a culmination of the last 18 years of my life. I tried to verbally thank everyone who held my hand and walked me through my valleys of the shadow of death but I doubt I will never be able to thank them properly... from the dark day in 1994 when I was told that my best friend died in a car wreck... to the night in 2000 when my father walked out of my life... to the day in 2006 when I lost my first little one... all the depression and heartache... and all the days in between praying and struggling alongside Heath for the Lord to show us how to answer the calling that has been placed on our lives. For my friends and family back home, for Praise Assembly of God, for Christ Community... I thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
I'm honored. To be called to follow in the lineage of ordained ministers and their wives. I'm nervous and scared too, because I know that others will suppose that I've got it all together since I'm now a "preacher's wife." Far from it. I continue to rely on God's grace to forgive me of my sins every minute of every day.
I'm awed at the experience in His presence yesterday kneeling by Heath, having the elders put their hands on us and the words that were spoken over us... powerful words... more than a shot in the arm... an infusion of Life for us to pour out on others.
Right now, it's kind of like a new pair of jeans... it's a little awkward to say that my husband's an ordained minister. But I'm really proud of all the hard work he's done in order to fill the requirements of ordination. And I am just speechless at all that the Lord has done for us, personally and with Heath's ministry.
I'm still me... but I do feel at peace and healed... and that's all to the Glory of the Risen Savior.
Heath is now a Children's Evangelist (!) and it's so crazy, but I think the title fits him. Hopefully, "Heath and the Checker Shoe Band" will just continue to grow into what God wants it to be. Right now, the television show is airing in Columbus, Phenix City and Nashville and on several internet stations. CDs and DVDs are still available. The CCC puppet team will finish up their year soon with several outreaches to the community. You can find out more information at www.heathandthecheckershoeband.com for our mission statement, show dates, videos, and music.
I am so blessed in so many ways... and I know full well the extent and depth of Christ's love for us all. That's why I sing on the worship team, that's why we do this ministry... not for money, not for pats on the back... but for His Glory. Thanks to everyone for their continued support and prayers. This is really exciting to see what He has planned for us on this journey!
God bless,
Buffy
If you know me at all, you know what I mess I've been spiritually speaking. I'm not saying that I've got it all together either. I'm reluctant to post this all in a blog, but I cannot miss this opportunity to share what the Lord's done in my life.
First off, I'm really humbled. Yesterday was a culmination of the last 18 years of my life. I tried to verbally thank everyone who held my hand and walked me through my valleys of the shadow of death but I doubt I will never be able to thank them properly... from the dark day in 1994 when I was told that my best friend died in a car wreck... to the night in 2000 when my father walked out of my life... to the day in 2006 when I lost my first little one... all the depression and heartache... and all the days in between praying and struggling alongside Heath for the Lord to show us how to answer the calling that has been placed on our lives. For my friends and family back home, for Praise Assembly of God, for Christ Community... I thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
I'm honored. To be called to follow in the lineage of ordained ministers and their wives. I'm nervous and scared too, because I know that others will suppose that I've got it all together since I'm now a "preacher's wife." Far from it. I continue to rely on God's grace to forgive me of my sins every minute of every day.
I'm awed at the experience in His presence yesterday kneeling by Heath, having the elders put their hands on us and the words that were spoken over us... powerful words... more than a shot in the arm... an infusion of Life for us to pour out on others.
Right now, it's kind of like a new pair of jeans... it's a little awkward to say that my husband's an ordained minister. But I'm really proud of all the hard work he's done in order to fill the requirements of ordination. And I am just speechless at all that the Lord has done for us, personally and with Heath's ministry.
I'm still me... but I do feel at peace and healed... and that's all to the Glory of the Risen Savior.
Heath is now a Children's Evangelist (!) and it's so crazy, but I think the title fits him. Hopefully, "Heath and the Checker Shoe Band" will just continue to grow into what God wants it to be. Right now, the television show is airing in Columbus, Phenix City and Nashville and on several internet stations. CDs and DVDs are still available. The CCC puppet team will finish up their year soon with several outreaches to the community. You can find out more information at www.heathandthecheckershoeband.com for our mission statement, show dates, videos, and music.
I am so blessed in so many ways... and I know full well the extent and depth of Christ's love for us all. That's why I sing on the worship team, that's why we do this ministry... not for money, not for pats on the back... but for His Glory. Thanks to everyone for their continued support and prayers. This is really exciting to see what He has planned for us on this journey!
God bless,
Buffy
Monday, March 26, 2012
there's pain in the healing
So two weeks ago, I had a c-section to deliver my son, Brick. I went in for a routine visit and my blood pressure was too high. So my doctor sent me to the hospital to deliver Brick that afternoon. I'm not gonna lie... recuperating has been painful. The simplest task has proved difficult: putting socks on, sitting down, standing up... you name it...
It's the first time since my grandfather's death that I felt that I could really just grieve the fact that he is no longer on this earth. I felt that I couldn't get too emotional or cry like I needed too when I was pregnant because I didn't want to do anything to stress out the baby.
Two major life events happening in a month's time... My heart is broken and swells with happiness all at the same time.
Healing is a painful process. I think as a Christian, I was socialized to think that healing should be spontaneous and complete in one trip down to the alter. Healing CAN be spontaneous- physically or emotionally. But personally, healings have taken much longer for me. It wasn't God's fault... part of it was my own inability to embrace the pain and just FEEL what I needed to feel so that I could move on to the next steps in the grieving process. I used to get annoyed when prissy Christians tossed their cliches at me because they were uncomfortable with my raw state... now, I find it funny and even pity them a bit...
So these past few weeks have been painful for me in a number of ways... one pain, the result of my grandfather going Home... the other pain has lead to a wonderful new life. I used to be afraid of pain. But I'm not so much anymore. I'm not really sure how to end this blog entry... Life is still moving on... The second hand of the clock continues to tick... I still have to get out of bed every day and tend to my responsibilities. The entry for yesterday in "Jesus Calling" encouraged me to be thankful in all things... and I am.... truly thankful: for a grandfather who showed me what true love is and for a new son who snuggles against my neck when I hold him.
It's the first time since my grandfather's death that I felt that I could really just grieve the fact that he is no longer on this earth. I felt that I couldn't get too emotional or cry like I needed too when I was pregnant because I didn't want to do anything to stress out the baby.
Two major life events happening in a month's time... My heart is broken and swells with happiness all at the same time.
Healing is a painful process. I think as a Christian, I was socialized to think that healing should be spontaneous and complete in one trip down to the alter. Healing CAN be spontaneous- physically or emotionally. But personally, healings have taken much longer for me. It wasn't God's fault... part of it was my own inability to embrace the pain and just FEEL what I needed to feel so that I could move on to the next steps in the grieving process. I used to get annoyed when prissy Christians tossed their cliches at me because they were uncomfortable with my raw state... now, I find it funny and even pity them a bit...
So these past few weeks have been painful for me in a number of ways... one pain, the result of my grandfather going Home... the other pain has lead to a wonderful new life. I used to be afraid of pain. But I'm not so much anymore. I'm not really sure how to end this blog entry... Life is still moving on... The second hand of the clock continues to tick... I still have to get out of bed every day and tend to my responsibilities. The entry for yesterday in "Jesus Calling" encouraged me to be thankful in all things... and I am.... truly thankful: for a grandfather who showed me what true love is and for a new son who snuggles against my neck when I hold him.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
love song
So this came out in 2006 or 2007 in a book called "Force in the Flesh." It was a collection of photos and biographies of people with Star Wars tattoos. Heath and I were lucky enough to be featured in the book... and we were the only couple to share a page. Just wanted to memorialize it here on my blog... This isn't a revelation because it's something that I've known since I met him: I am beyond blessed to have met and married Heath Williamson. We were living 350 miles apart when we met and the Lord orchestrated our meeting. He is a "Wild at Heart" kinda guy... and I kinda dig it.
Rarely do you find a marriage in which both partners share a common interest in Star Wars. Rarer still is finding a couple who love the saga enough to tattoo themselves in related imagery.. That's just what Heath and Buffy Williamson have done with their theamed Clone Wars tattoos. When the acclaimed animated Clone Wars micro-series began airing, Heath and Buffy found themselves drawn to its rich and unique animation style. Heath was particularly taken by how Yoda was portrayed and it was the strong portrayal of the female Jedi that Buffy found most appealing. By the time they were done, Heath's plan for a simple animated Yoda tattoo soon turned into an entire Clone Wars half sleeve and Buffy had images of several female Jedi tattooed on her arm. Heath is also an avid collector of Star Wars memorabilia, everything from vintage and modern action figures to prop replicas and statues. He considers his tattoos to be a unique part of his collection that he can take with him wherever he goes. Since the completion of his half sleeve, Heath has added stylistic tattoos of a Jawa and an Ewok to his tattoo collection and has plans for additional Star Wars tattoo designs. In the meantime, both he and Buffy continue to share in their love of Star Wars and more importantly, their love of each other.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
what I want my son(s) to learn
I am just days away from delivering my second son. As my church, Christ Community, has had several years of a program we affectionately call Man School, many American ideals are being challenged... and in a good way... actually, a great way. So while Heath was reading through "Wild at Heart," I just had to pick it up too. It scared me a bit, to tell the truth. But I realized a lot that I needed to make sure to do with my sons. The last thing that I want to do is have the apron string twisted around my sweet boy's neck as he struggles against us to try out his wings. I have the scissors ready to cut the apron strings when it's time...
I just read a blog about "15 things a mom should teach her son." While I agreed with half of them, I decided to make my own list of what I want my sons to know as they grow up.
1. Having a relationship with God is the most important relationship you could ever have- learn to pray, learn to listen to the Lord - you will be alright... and you will learn that I am strict with you and work so hard to make you listen to me, because if you can't listen to me (with a physical voice), you will never learn to listen to the Voice of the Lord when He speaks to you.
2. You can do anything you set your mind to do. Never listen to anyone who says you can't. Just for kicks and giggles, show them you can.... but don't be afraid of the failure that might follow - and don't NOT try something because you are too afraid to fail.
3. How to clean a house- including doing your own laundry and cleaning the toilets.
4. basic mechanic work on a car
5. how to ask for help
6. Respect- there will come a day when your are no longer required to listen to me- until that point, you have to respect the rules that I have in place... I have a good reason for the rules I lay down. And I will be happy to explain my reasoning... learn to respect others, learn to respect yourself.
7. doing drugs is stupid... hooking up with a girl before you are married is something you will regret... getting drunk in public is dangerous -- dying your hair, wearing stupid clothes, piercing your ears, even tattoos are reversible... if you do something stupid, make sure the consequences are reversible.... and go to a reputable tattoo place if you are going to do any of that...
8. don't do what everybody else is doing... blaze your own trail... dare to be different.
9. do the right thing... always.
10. don't be afraid of your feelings... God isn't... you shouldn't be either.
11. learn to play an instrument... paint a picture... listen to all genres of music -- be a little cultured.
12. travel - you can learn a lot of important adaptive and problem solving skills when you travel.
13. use some common sense... think things through before you do it and think about the consequences.
14. I know that the brain is not fully developed until one is 21 years of age... up until that point, there will be things that I don't want you to do that your friends' parents are letting them do... so when you are off my insurance, you can decide what to do with your body... up to that point, I am responsible for you and I will not face the Lord and the first thing He says to me is "why did you let that happen to him?" Refer to #6 and #7.
15. never doubt that I love you. Never. second-guess that fact.
I just read a blog about "15 things a mom should teach her son." While I agreed with half of them, I decided to make my own list of what I want my sons to know as they grow up.
1. Having a relationship with God is the most important relationship you could ever have- learn to pray, learn to listen to the Lord - you will be alright... and you will learn that I am strict with you and work so hard to make you listen to me, because if you can't listen to me (with a physical voice), you will never learn to listen to the Voice of the Lord when He speaks to you.
2. You can do anything you set your mind to do. Never listen to anyone who says you can't. Just for kicks and giggles, show them you can.... but don't be afraid of the failure that might follow - and don't NOT try something because you are too afraid to fail.
3. How to clean a house- including doing your own laundry and cleaning the toilets.
4. basic mechanic work on a car
5. how to ask for help
6. Respect- there will come a day when your are no longer required to listen to me- until that point, you have to respect the rules that I have in place... I have a good reason for the rules I lay down. And I will be happy to explain my reasoning... learn to respect others, learn to respect yourself.
7. doing drugs is stupid... hooking up with a girl before you are married is something you will regret... getting drunk in public is dangerous -- dying your hair, wearing stupid clothes, piercing your ears, even tattoos are reversible... if you do something stupid, make sure the consequences are reversible.... and go to a reputable tattoo place if you are going to do any of that...
8. don't do what everybody else is doing... blaze your own trail... dare to be different.
9. do the right thing... always.
10. don't be afraid of your feelings... God isn't... you shouldn't be either.
11. learn to play an instrument... paint a picture... listen to all genres of music -- be a little cultured.
12. travel - you can learn a lot of important adaptive and problem solving skills when you travel.
13. use some common sense... think things through before you do it and think about the consequences.
14. I know that the brain is not fully developed until one is 21 years of age... up until that point, there will be things that I don't want you to do that your friends' parents are letting them do... so when you are off my insurance, you can decide what to do with your body... up to that point, I am responsible for you and I will not face the Lord and the first thing He says to me is "why did you let that happen to him?" Refer to #6 and #7.
15. never doubt that I love you. Never. second-guess that fact.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Parenting -or- seeing God in a different light
So this is gonna be a quick one because well, this is probably gonna be more like the opening to more blogs on this topic...
Working with kids, I see a lot of different parenting styles. Now in my psychology classes in undergrad and grad school, we learned about the different parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved.
I am more of the authoritative type: we have rules, you choose to break the rules, you have to suffer the consequences. Some people may think I'm too harsh, but to them I say, come talk to me in 15 years and we'll see then... I'm really NOT that harsh and I do rely on more positive reinforcement than negative reinforcement.
As Hero is getting older and into his school-aged years, he is coming into contact with more peers who are allowed to do things that he is not allowed to do. Based on my knowledge-base and experiences, there are things that he is just not allowed to do... period... no discussion. Also he is coming into contact with peers who negotiate. And he thinks that he can negotiate with us. Ha. I just have to set that boundary... "have we met, son? I do not negotiate on these issues."
So here is my point for this particular blog now that I've set the stage: do you know how exhausting it is to not be a permissive or uninvolved parent? It is hard work. How easy would it be to let Hero do WHATEVER he wanted to do WHENEVER he wants to do it! I know that I have told Hero the same thing 50 times at least. I know that when I say, "if you do this again, you will not be allowed to do {fill-in-the-blank}", that I HAVE to be consistent and take away his privilege... or I lose my authority in the situation. Being an involved parent is so exhausting that when he goes to bed at night, I pour myself on the couch in a puddle and just re-charge for the next day.
So through this realization, I am beginning to understand what it takes for God to be an involved parent in my life... it's more work than I appreciate. When I think He is being mean or cruel because something hasn't gone my way, as a child, I do not have the perspective of understanding all the forethought that's going into His decisions towards me. Or the boundaries He has set for me.
This realization is taking me down another rabbit hole of understanding His grace and love for me.
Friday, February 10, 2012
requiem
I cannot imagine what this world will be like without him. I cannot imagine how the hole in my heart will ever heal up. I cannot imagine not hearing him laugh again.
Asa Emmanuel Rogers. His mother gave him an impressive name without an impressive beginning. He recounted his story to us a thousand times: he was forced to leave school in eighth grade to work to provide for his family... he went into the Air Force when he was the right age to enlist... he met my grandmother Frankie at the Coney Island Cafe in Hattiesburg... they married... they had my mom Lizz, my aunt Susie and my uncle Martin. Then they married and me, my brother and my cousins came after. Hero, Lily Kate, and Baby Williamson expanded and will expand the family circle further.
The Lord cut this man from some tough material. He always had his own opinion of how things should be and how he wanted them to be (and what is exactly wrong with that?). And yet, he still supported us if our own decisions countered his opinion. He supported us when we were up and he supported us when we were down. He always had a strong sense of propriety and boundaries. He taught us how to be our own person and to not apologize for our own peculiarities. To embrace our individualism and yet be a part of our family. To always do the right thing. To always fight for injustice. To always stay true to our beliefs.
As we have been going through these past few weeks, I have had to come to grips that I have not been able to travel back to Hattiesburg because of my pregnancy... so the last physical visit I had with him was at Thanksgiving. It has been difficult for me not to be physically with my family... but as I was fighting a sense of guilt about it all, words from a mentor came back to me when I was grieving a loss 5 years ago-- and I realize that staying here in Phenix City was taking care of my unborn child... and doing so would bring him more honor than my traveling and putting myself and my unborn child in distress. I express my grief through these words and I will express honor by continuing to be the kind of person that he is proud of.
I was driving to work Thursday morning as tears fell down my face, I heard the Lord speak to my heart and say, "He will be with Me in Heaven but a bit of him is in you." And I realized that he has indeed left a legacy... that not only has he left the physical traits in his children and me, my brother and my cousins, but even in Lily Kate and Hero... and I will see bits of him in this one yet to be born... In our tenacity and strength, in our stubbornness, in our strong sense of propriety... all of these things, we will continue to live out and teach in our children.
As the oldest grandchild, I say to my brother and cousins, we have Asa's DNA, his chromosomes... he set a strong legacy for us to be successful and to make a difference in this world... we grieve for this time, but we do not grieve like those who have no hope... for not only do we know that we will see him one day again when we ourselves hit those pearly gates, but we see him each time we look in the mirror.
May the Lord God continue to be merciful to us and protect us during these grieving days...
--Jennifer "Buffy" Crosby Williamson
Asa Emmanuel Rogers. His mother gave him an impressive name without an impressive beginning. He recounted his story to us a thousand times: he was forced to leave school in eighth grade to work to provide for his family... he went into the Air Force when he was the right age to enlist... he met my grandmother Frankie at the Coney Island Cafe in Hattiesburg... they married... they had my mom Lizz, my aunt Susie and my uncle Martin. Then they married and me, my brother and my cousins came after. Hero, Lily Kate, and Baby Williamson expanded and will expand the family circle further.
The Lord cut this man from some tough material. He always had his own opinion of how things should be and how he wanted them to be (and what is exactly wrong with that?). And yet, he still supported us if our own decisions countered his opinion. He supported us when we were up and he supported us when we were down. He always had a strong sense of propriety and boundaries. He taught us how to be our own person and to not apologize for our own peculiarities. To embrace our individualism and yet be a part of our family. To always do the right thing. To always fight for injustice. To always stay true to our beliefs.
As we have been going through these past few weeks, I have had to come to grips that I have not been able to travel back to Hattiesburg because of my pregnancy... so the last physical visit I had with him was at Thanksgiving. It has been difficult for me not to be physically with my family... but as I was fighting a sense of guilt about it all, words from a mentor came back to me when I was grieving a loss 5 years ago-- and I realize that staying here in Phenix City was taking care of my unborn child... and doing so would bring him more honor than my traveling and putting myself and my unborn child in distress. I express my grief through these words and I will express honor by continuing to be the kind of person that he is proud of.
I was driving to work Thursday morning as tears fell down my face, I heard the Lord speak to my heart and say, "He will be with Me in Heaven but a bit of him is in you." And I realized that he has indeed left a legacy... that not only has he left the physical traits in his children and me, my brother and my cousins, but even in Lily Kate and Hero... and I will see bits of him in this one yet to be born... In our tenacity and strength, in our stubbornness, in our strong sense of propriety... all of these things, we will continue to live out and teach in our children.
As the oldest grandchild, I say to my brother and cousins, we have Asa's DNA, his chromosomes... he set a strong legacy for us to be successful and to make a difference in this world... we grieve for this time, but we do not grieve like those who have no hope... for not only do we know that we will see him one day again when we ourselves hit those pearly gates, but we see him each time we look in the mirror.
May the Lord God continue to be merciful to us and protect us during these grieving days...
--Jennifer "Buffy" Crosby Williamson
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Random in the Rain
So life is ebbing and flowing. It's raining today and has been for a few days it seems.
My grandfather is very ill and I cannot visit him.
I am two months away from my due date with my second child. I have a ton to do, but it is getting done bit by bit.
I felt so honored to hold Jay and Kaci's son today for the first time... he is so precious and such a testament of God's goodness.
This morning, my son, Hero (4 years old) made a profound statement as we were getting ready for church-- he said, "I'm a man, mommy!" And preceded to ask for some deodorant and mousse for his hair... he protested when I got out to pump gas for the car-- "no, mommy! I wanna do it!" So I got him started on the pump and he held the nozzle down with both hands. It reminded me of a devotional that I read shortly after his birth-- it stated that as parents we are not raising children-- we are raising men and women of God. Even though reading "Wild at Heart" scared me to death, it was an important read in my journey as a mother to a son. Hero will always be my son... that is my relationship to him... but he won't always be a child. One day he will be a man. He will need me to look at him and confirm his capability to manage his own life. I find too many children unable to manage very age-appropriate tasks because of a variety of reasons... but mostly because they are enabled to be little vegetables... told to be quiet and watch t.v. No one engages them in conversation or play. It's sad.
Anything else random that I had in my head just flew out of it... my brain is overcome with hormones and tunnel-vision.
My grandfather is very ill and I cannot visit him.
I am two months away from my due date with my second child. I have a ton to do, but it is getting done bit by bit.
I felt so honored to hold Jay and Kaci's son today for the first time... he is so precious and such a testament of God's goodness.
This morning, my son, Hero (4 years old) made a profound statement as we were getting ready for church-- he said, "I'm a man, mommy!" And preceded to ask for some deodorant and mousse for his hair... he protested when I got out to pump gas for the car-- "no, mommy! I wanna do it!" So I got him started on the pump and he held the nozzle down with both hands. It reminded me of a devotional that I read shortly after his birth-- it stated that as parents we are not raising children-- we are raising men and women of God. Even though reading "Wild at Heart" scared me to death, it was an important read in my journey as a mother to a son. Hero will always be my son... that is my relationship to him... but he won't always be a child. One day he will be a man. He will need me to look at him and confirm his capability to manage his own life. I find too many children unable to manage very age-appropriate tasks because of a variety of reasons... but mostly because they are enabled to be little vegetables... told to be quiet and watch t.v. No one engages them in conversation or play. It's sad.
Anything else random that I had in my head just flew out of it... my brain is overcome with hormones and tunnel-vision.
Friday, January 6, 2012
*testing*
so I tried a new recipe and I'm trying pinning it to Pintrest to see how it goes.... I was jonsing for the cream cheese danishes from Starbucks the other day and decided to make some at home... they were eaten rather quickly.... :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)