requiem

I cannot imagine what this world will be like without him.  I cannot imagine how the hole in my heart will ever heal up.  I cannot imagine not hearing him laugh again.

Asa Emmanuel Rogers.  His mother gave him an impressive name without an impressive beginning.  He recounted his story to us a thousand times: he was forced to leave school in eighth grade to work to provide for his family... he went into the Air Force when he was the right age to enlist... he met my grandmother Frankie at the Coney Island Cafe in Hattiesburg... they married... they had my mom Lizz, my aunt Susie and my uncle Martin.  Then they married and me, my brother and my cousins came after.  Hero, Lily Kate, and Baby Williamson expanded and will expand the family circle further. 

The Lord cut this man from some tough material.  He always had his own opinion of how things should be and how he wanted them to be (and what is exactly wrong with that?).  And yet, he still supported us if our own decisions countered his opinion.  He supported us when we were up and he supported us when we were down.  He always had a strong sense of propriety and boundaries.  He taught us how to be our own person and to not apologize for our own peculiarities.  To embrace our individualism and yet be a part of our family.  To always do the right thing.  To always fight for injustice.  To always stay true to our beliefs.

As we have been going through these past few weeks, I have had to come to grips that I have not been able to travel back to Hattiesburg because of my pregnancy... so the last physical visit I had with him was at Thanksgiving.  It has been difficult for me not to be physically with my family... but as I was fighting a sense of guilt about it all, words from a mentor came back to me when I was grieving a loss 5 years ago-- and I realize that staying here in Phenix City was taking care of my unborn child... and doing so would bring him more honor than my traveling and putting myself and my unborn child in distress.  I express my grief through these words and I will express honor by continuing to be the kind of person that he is proud of.

I was driving to work Thursday morning as tears fell down my face, I heard the Lord speak to my heart and say, "He will be with Me in Heaven but a bit of him is in you." And I realized that he has indeed left a legacy... that not only has he left the physical traits in his children and me, my brother and my cousins, but even in Lily Kate and Hero... and I will see bits of him in this one yet to be born...  In our tenacity and strength, in our stubbornness, in our strong sense of propriety... all of these things, we will continue to live out and teach in our children.

As the oldest grandchild, I say to my brother and cousins, we have Asa's DNA, his chromosomes... he set a strong legacy for us to be successful and to make a difference in this world... we grieve for this time, but we do not grieve like those who have no hope... for not only do we know that we will see him one day again when we ourselves hit those pearly gates, but we see him each time we look in the mirror.

May the Lord God continue to be merciful to us and protect us during these grieving days...

--Jennifer "Buffy" Crosby Williamson