there's pain in the healing

So two weeks ago, I had a c-section to deliver my son, Brick.  I went in for a routine visit and my blood pressure was too high.  So my doctor sent me to the hospital to deliver Brick that afternoon.  I'm not gonna lie... recuperating has been painful.  The simplest task has proved difficult: putting socks on, sitting down, standing up... you name it...

It's the first time since my grandfather's death that I felt that I could really just grieve the fact that he is no longer on this earth.  I felt that I couldn't get too emotional or cry like I needed too when I was pregnant because I didn't want to do anything to stress out the baby.

Two major life events happening in a month's time... My heart is broken and swells with happiness all at the same time.

Healing is a painful process.  I think as a Christian, I was socialized to think that healing should be spontaneous and complete in one trip down to the alter.  Healing CAN be spontaneous- physically or emotionally.  But personally, healings have taken much longer for me.  It wasn't God's fault... part of it was my own inability to embrace the pain and just FEEL what I needed to feel so that I could move on to the next steps in the grieving process.  I used to get annoyed when prissy Christians tossed their cliches at me because they were uncomfortable with my raw state... now, I find it funny and even pity them a bit...

So these past few weeks have been painful for me in a number of ways... one pain, the result of my grandfather going Home... the other pain has lead to a wonderful new life.  I used to be afraid of pain.  But I'm not so much anymore.  I'm not really sure how to end this blog entry... Life is still moving on... The second hand of the clock continues to tick... I still have to get out of bed every day and tend to my responsibilities.   The entry for yesterday in "Jesus Calling"  encouraged me to be thankful in all things... and I am.... truly thankful: for a grandfather who showed me what true love is and for a new son who snuggles against my neck when I hold him.