abide -

I'm not gonna lie.

I have been stretched and pulled and challenged more these past 10 months in ways that I have never been stretched and pulled and challenged before.

Being a working mom has its special set of challenges.
And I won't get into a mommy war over the comments I make here.
Being a parent- mom or dad- an involved parent- takes time and energy- whether you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom... and each situation has a different set of challenges. I won't begin to guess at the challenges of staying at home day in and out because I am in a unique position of doing both: I work at the school district so I do get summer off. And I love it all.

If anything, I am battle worn- which happens a lot since I am an introvert and really get my energy from having alone time. And I am in some new territory.

I am going from a household of young children and infants to school-aged children and a toddler.

I am realizing that what's mistaken for the wish to keep my children young is really fear of the unknown. Fear that they are out of my reach. Fear that I can't control what people say to them. Fear that they will make the wrong choices.

I worry a lot about a lot of things. My prayers are pretty much my worries.
And the Lord is gracious to hear my prayers.

Recently, the word "abide" came to me several times in a day- from Facebook memes to conversations- this verse specifically-  John 15:5 Jesus says, "I am the vine, you are the branches- he who abides in me and I in him, bears much fruit- for apart from Me, you can do nothing" (NASB)

The word ABIDE struck me. So I looked up the definition: to stay or continue; to remain."

This brought to mind another verse: Psalm 46:5 "God is within her- she will not fail."

Strong words. A strong promise.

I just watched the Rogue One trailer again because I am such a Star Wars nerd... and a clip at the end struck me.... "if you continue to fight, what will you become?"
That could be taken a lot of ways - if you keep fighting, will you be come hard? Will you become what you are fighting?
Or will I become what I'm meant to be?
I'm staring at the blinking cursor waiting for an answer- I know that what I'm meant to be is in God's hands- and all I have is this moment- this moment of decision-

Will I keep fighting the Good Fight? Am I afraid of what people will think of me? Of what the fight will cost me?

Maybe.

But what will I miss out on if I don't fight?
again, you stupid blinking cursor, waiting for me to answer... I. don't. know.

But He does.
And I can rest in that.
I can rest in knowing I dedicated my sons to Him in a ceremony at the church when they were each three months old.

We. are. His.

Abide.