cat on a hot tin roof

So tonight's post isn't about me trying to be a better Christian, but trying to be a whole Christian... I am on a path towards WHOLE-i-ness...

And this weekend marks an anniversary for me of an event that broke me and shattered me into a million little pieces.  A few weeks ago, Keith (my pastor) remarked that some events in our lives (divorce, namely) amputates a family, and indeed, the events of this weekend so long ago, left me practically quartered.  But unlike mythical creatures that can regenerate body parts, my spiritual body did not regenerate quite so easily...  Much to the chagrin of fellow Christians...  A magic pill alluded me for many years and people's disappointment at my lack of healing just sent me further down the rabbit hole.  Scriptures and cliches were thrown at me with the hopes that something would stick, but my depression and despair deflected the words.  I was too young to have the coping mechanism to grieve gracefully and I was bleeding out spiritually.

Eleven (yes, I am ashamed to say that even eleven long years doesn't numb the pain)- Eleven years ago, my life was turned on its ear.  I sit here, alone, with old movies playing on my television in the background and I am no longer afraid to feel the pain of the loss all over again.  It's at least bearable.  I don't know that the pain will ever go away... mostly the pain is over the things that can never be.  Most days I can keep a flat affect and shrug my shoulders over it, but I won't make myself tonight.  I've got a feeling that many feel pain over these holidays... and we work really hard to put a smile on our faces and bite back the tears.  But I'll share that I can't ever be "over" it.  I'll always miss him and I'll always love him, regardless of how badly he hurt me and despite what others think that I feel over the matter.  Is this what true forgiveness feels like?  Well, that, for sure, is a theological debate that I can't wrestle with tonight.

It took me a long time to be at peace with the situation the way it is... it was a long process and the Lord was very patient with me during this time.  He sent many wonderful people to love me and give me some perspective.  And He gave me the strength to stand up for myself in a graceful way.

In recent years, while I allow myself to feel this pain and raise a metaphorical glass to what was and what will never be, I have come to a place where the Lord has taken these painful moments and turned them into moments to celebrate.  The dichotomy is hard to swallow, but I do think it is important to be thankful for all the things that I do have... and that for a moment in time, I thought I wouldn't be allowed to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother... for a moment in my life, I thought I'd never have a husband whose birthday I would get to celebrate.  And for this year, I get to do both all in one day as well as celebrate my own wonderful mother... is this what "joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) means?  "Though He slays me, yet will I hope in Him..." (Job 13: 15)???


"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." - Psalm 23: 4-6

So for you reading this, take heart.  I do not pause to gloat... I pause to celebrate with the prayer that the Lord will show Himself to you like He has shown Himself to me... to thank Him for not leaving me in the mud and mire... "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34: 18

"Praise be to the Lord, for He showed His wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city.  In my alarm I said, 'I am cut off from Your sight!'  Yet You heard my cry for mercy when I called to You for help." - Psalm 31: 21-22

All of this reminds me of a scene from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," during which Brick is taunting his wife Maggie and continues in his attempts to push her away.  He said to her, "What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?"  and she says, "Just staying on it, I guess, long as she can."  Sometimes we just have to hang on...


May you, brokenhearted beloved, find Him in your pain... find the strength to hang on... may you feel His loving arms wrap around you... may you feel Him bind your wounds and give you a reason to sing His praises...