Much-Afraid

It's seems that my quest to become WHOLE in HIM is taking quite a bit of breaking of this old pottery...

Fear is something that I grew up with... lots of fear in lots of different ways.  I don't blame my mother or my father really.  It's just the way my dad was for a variety of reasons, so it was something I grew up with.  Circumstances made my mom scared... being alone at home at night while my dad worked off-shore... in a trailer park...

 

So when Keith introduced this year's theme of "Breaking Through and Breaking Out,"  I was excited... for my immediate family, it's meant the death of some family curses... and a continue battle for some others.  Now that half of the year is here so soon, I realize that I am still struggling with fear... I'm not quite sure about what to do about being afraid of these situations.... except keep looking to Him and worshiping Him until I am given more of a revelation ... or more strength...about these situations... a magic wand would even do.

 

But on the whole, I'm not nearly as afraid as I used to be... I had a friend comment one Sunday after I sang on the worship team how fearless Heath and I seem to be!  I was taken aback... I confessed to her: "I struggle with fear all the time."  So many times in my life, I have to take a deep breath and close my eyes and metaphorically jump into a situation. 

 

During a time in my life, when I was nose to nose with a fear of mine, I found a way to fight back through worshiping God in song.  I kept a worship CD in my CD player and just kept singing and singing and singing.  And when the enemy would try to whisper something in my ear, I just kept singing and singing and singing.

I guess I need to do this on an hourly basis until it becomes a habit for me... because the revelation for today, boys and girls, is that this Southern Girl is still afraid...

 

Tonight in community group as we discussed Book 1 of Mere Christianity, I confessed that I am struggling with fear.  A foe I thought had been defeated has come back for round 2.  And as we talked about what we wish Christianity and Church could be and about that we wished we could do to be "better" Christians, I still felt afraid and helpless.

So I have sat here staring at this blinking cursor and digging through some notes to start and stop this post about a dozen times.  Remembering these terribly fearful moments and how I felt the Lord nearer to me through worshiping Him... and Scriptures about fear and peace... and the fruits of the Spirit and the armor of God...

And then I remembered a poem I had read a long time ago:

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa
So like Much Afraid, while I am afraid and trembling and not sure where is journey is taking me... I'm going to put one foot in front of another...

after all, He never promised us an easy ride... only that He'd be with us along the way.