everyday I'm strugglin' -or- revelations at 40

So.
If you encounter me on a day to day basis, you know how stressed and strained I've been. And I've not always responded as graciously as maybe I should have. I've been uninspired and run down.

We've got this big thing in our lives that we are strugglin' to get a handle on and it's our health.
May be no big deal to you.
Maybe you're like "what's the deal?"

Well, like most struggles, this one is mine. And I swear, the universe is conspiring against me on this one.... like the enemy wants to keep me and mine down and he is doing a lot to keep us down. I heard a DJ on the radio reiterate how the enemy is actively working to bring us as Christians down. And, also, sometimes the Lord brings situations to our lives as a way of refining behaviors and thought-patterns in us.

This season of my life feels like it's like a dissertation for your master's degree: you write a paper, submit it, it gets sent back with marks and corrections that are needed.

I also think that sometimes we forget that we are human beings prone to mistakes and missteps. And giving ourselves grace and give others grace is hard when we are moving at such a wicked fast pace.

Maybe it's stupid of me to show the enemy my hand... admit my struggles so publicly.... but....

But I know that I wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers of darkness...
I know that the battle belongs to the Lord and the victory is His.
I know that He forgives my sins.
I know that I am His.

I am set to run my first 5k next week.
I'm nervous. I know I am going to mess up.
But I'm gonna try at least. Which is what I do every day. Show up. Do the best I can. Pray that the Lord will fill in the gaps.
I've never boasted that I'm a good Christian...
Only that I serve a Great God.

rest for the weary -or- 2017 in review

June 24, 2017
Matthew 11:28-30 New International Version (NIV)

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I've been called to a season of rest.

I've been off work for a week and a half and now I'm looking around for something to do. I mean I've got plenty to do but I am resting. 

And I'm reflecting. about myself. and I've seen things about me that I don't like a whole whole lot. Which is cool. I mean, God does that from time to time. 

But when everything is still and quiet in my mind, a few things happen:

1) we can see all the beauty that surrounds us

2) we can take time to reset bad habits

3) we can face the demons plaguing us

January 9, 2018.
I never published this. From April til now, I've not written anything.
Summer came and went.
We faced some disappointments. nothing tragic. just not what we thought.
The fall was hard.
At Thanksgiving I decided I'd train to run a 5k for my 40th birthday- I'm learning a lot from that.

Christmas was busy. but good.

New Year's Eve brought a lot of reset.... I needed to reset. So I have.
Running is helping me get stuff off my mind.

so 2017 was underwhelming.
But the constant was Jesus. We were able to get some things on track. Nothing epic happened. And that's okay.
I'll take what I've learned into 2018.
as long as Jesus is there.

ghosts and angels

small stuff

I told a bit of my God-story today. It involved a lot of God being in the small every day stuff. Looking back I know it was big stuff but a long time ago, I thought I would have to go to Africa to see God move. But He kept me here in the South-

you see I wanted so badly to run away from my perception of the South that I wanted to go to Africa...

but God kept me here.

And the enemy so wants us to think that unless we are doing something BIG, that it's not enough.

But it IS.

You see the sacred is in the small.

I'll be honest - this threepocolypse season I am in is HARD. Like I just cried in my kitchen HARD. So to think the sacred is in the small is hard in the middle of a full on tantrum when my head is splitting wide open from a headache and my 9 year old is freaking out about state testing tomorrow and my 5 year old is yelling for no good reason. Lord, help! 

So my aim is to try to quiet the over-stimulation of my senses during these times and see the sacred in the small.

weary

"weary" does not begin to describe the season I've (rather WE) have been in.Since Christmas, it's been one thing after another. Some days, I've cried on the way to work, on the way home and anywhere in between. We've been spiritually kicked and physically aching, but we've just stayed in the fight. 

But this year, we have not relented. 

This Sunday 2 Samuel 23:9-10 were key verses. Verse 10 was already underlined in my Bible, but I needed this reminder...

2 Samuel 23:10 but Eleazar stood his ground and struck down the Philistines till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword. 

That'll preach right there.

My mom used to tell me in my younger day "the only thing you need to be afraid of is being out of God's will."

And being in His will means He has something for us to do. And that often comes with a fight because the enemy does not want us to experience God's presence... which we encounter when we are in His will doing the thing He has for us to do...

God has asked me and Heath to do some really crazy things for Him. I learned early on not to ask "why?" or "how?"

My mind is too finite for the WHY and it was for Him to show me the HOW.

But in the doing, I witnessed and still witness miracles - stories of people learning about Jesus and hearing the Good News.

Verse 10 goes on:

The Lord brought about a great victory that day. 

There could be not victory if he walked away, dropped the sword, shrugged...

This dude stood and fought...

What can we fight with? We wrestle

not against flesh and blood...(ephesians 6:12)

so we fight through

--prayer

--worship

--fasting

--acts of service

Whatever fight is before you, stand your ground... don't let go... God is with you and will surely bring forth a victory.

follow Me

following Jesus:

is not comfortable

is not profitable

is not popular

following Jesus:

is scary

is risky

is tiring

following Jesus means 

you get 

to see Him

to sit with Him

to feel His love

to be in His presence

to be in His will

to be on His radar

is where I want to be

labels

We live in a world of labels-

mom

woman

liberal

convservative

feminist

pro-life

pro-choice

Alabama

Auburn - ha ha

And I work in a work of labels:

special educatuon

autism 

learning disability

teacher

therapist

And people get keyed up if they get labeled incorrectly- a label in error can color others' perception, boxes you in to expectations and tells you something about yourself you'd rather not know about yourself.

I've been struggling with my labels... and how the implied responsibility affects me emotionally.

About the time this all came to a head, I was gifted Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen. I'm only two chapters in but it's helping chip off the chains of the implied expectations.

And three days after I finished chapter two of Nothing to Prove, I arrived at a conference for speech-language pathologists in the state. We were given badges with our names and school district. And at the same table, the volunteers were offering ribbons to add on to your badge. And these ribbons had labels like "trailblazer." I picked up a few and put them in my bag- those labels that I wanted to be.

As I sat in the first session, other SLPs from my district sat around me. And they handed me the ribbons with the labels that I secretly wanted to be! "THIS one is Soooooo you, Buffy!!!" 

"Aaaaand THIS one!"

Wow. THIS is what people see in me.

What if we told the people in our lives how we feel about them? Maybe they wouldn't believe the lies the enemy tells them? Maybe they would have the courage to soldier on knowing someone was cheering them on.

Words can make or break. I know this full well. Do you believe the lies of how the enemy labels you or do you hear the names the Father calls you?

Child.

Loved.

Mine.

May we hear the Lord's names for us.

And act accordingly.