seasons

About the time Hero was born, Heath felt the calling on him to be ordained as an Elder in the Free Methodist Church (the denomination of Christ Community Church where we attended). I freaked (aren't you surprised?) because I could not imagine myself as a pastor's wife.

But God knew what He was doing and Heath is officially a children's televangelist with Heath and the Checker Shoe Band... and honestly, it still makes me giggle that I'm the Reverend Mrs. Heath Williamson.  I mean, the moment Heath was ordained, I was too in a sense... and that experience is beyond explanation. But I'm still me... and God's still God...

These past few years have not really rolled out like I envisioned. But you are not surprised.... if you know me at all, you know how hard plot twists are for me. Hank's autism and adhd diagnosis was NOT in the plans, people. Being down in my body since 2014: not in the plans. MY plans.... not in MY plans...

So I've struggled with that. I've wanted to do ministry outside of Heath and the Checker Shoe Band but having to minister to my family and myself took precedence. And I struggled with that. 

I want to sing on the worship team.

I want to teach a children's church class.

I want to lead VBS.

I want to write.

I want to paint.

But the pause button had been hit. And I've been angry. And sad. And despondent. 

The shutdowns that's resulted from COVID has made me realize that there are seasons to life... and that's okay... 

Flowers have a time to grow from the soil, shine in their blooms and then fall away for a time. 

No one despises the flower for doing what the flower is meant to do.

And yet, we despise each other for cycling through seasons.

Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.

So, do not despise the season you are in, Beloved. Look for the work you are meant to do and let the Lord do the rest. 

abandon vs. surrender

So during this COVID season, I am trying really hard to keep my cool and look for the upside of all this... I'm not gonna lie: being in a small house with 4 other people, trying to work and be mom all at the same time.... it's exhausting... and overwhelming.... and when I get exhausted and overwhelmed, well... I snap. My nickname isn't Mr. Furious for nothing....

I sat at my kitchen table this morning with a cup of coffee, my journal, and Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. Not because I'm a super Christian. But because I desperately miss going to church every Sunday. And, of course, today's entry was just what I needed. From Matthew 6:25... "do not worry about your life..." "Don't take the pressure of your provision upon yourself..."

The last line struck me though:

"The greatest word of Jesus to His disciples is abandon."

Y'all know that I love words- one of the reasons I became a speech therapist... so it struck me that Chambers chose to say "abandon" instead of "surrender."

"Surrender" brings to my mind an old western with the masked gunman demanding innocent bystanders to "put 'em up" while he robs the stage coach. "Surrender" conjures up ideas of "giving up unwillingly."

But the word "abandon".... well... that makes me think of something more adventurous! As if it's my choice all along to give up on everything this world is demanding of me and jump headlong into the River of His grace and love and float there... all day... without a care in the world... 

Now balancing this while being asked to be mother and SLP working from home all at the same time... well, I'm practicing how to make that all work... and I'm thankful for the grace and love my men show me every single day. 

I think I like the idea of "abandon" over the idea of "surrender"... I mean, I know really it's splitting hairs on the meanings of the words... but as I abandon the pressures and worries, I think "the things of this earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His Glory and Grace." 

old idols

on my way back from opelika (doctor’s appointment), i heard this guy on the radio say that we should be careful not to return to old idols as we have been asked to wait and be still during this time. He said like the Isrealites made the golden calf when Moses did not come back as quickly as they had anticipated- they panicked and reverted to old ways instead of staying calm and waiting and trusting. I needed to hear that today.

this song has been on my heart these past few days:
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus' Name
On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

today is called Good Friday. it was somebody’s Bad Friday. for Jesus. for Mary. for the disciples. their Bad Friday is our Good Friday because we know the end of the story. We know Sunday’s coming.

In this moment, we don’t know the end of this covid story. But we know Jesus.
“When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand”

it’s Christmas

Christmas has always been sad to me. 

I dunno why. I didn’t have a particularly bad childhood. But Christmas has always seemed sad to me...

The theme of the Charlie Brown Christmas Special makes me sad. Reminds me of my grandfather.

As I made breakfast this morning, I realized I was not as sad as I was pensive.

Christmas marks the end of the calendar year. And I’ve been reflective of this year. It was a hard year.

But as I am learning, life is hard period. Whether it comes in a clump or is spread out over a life time. 

What I chose to focus on is that Christmas is a reminder of Christ’s gift of His presence. And to be thankful for the people surrounding me.

I’m also thinking of Mary. I’m especially drawn to her during this season of my life. I wonder what her feeling was travelling to Bethleham, giving birth in a barn... I’d be so over it- “pick someone else!” Maybe she supernaturally felt this purpose and was totally cool with it. Did she see the glow of the angels appearing to the shephards in the sky?  I wonder what human emotions ran through her...

Anyway go read Luke 2:7-14. When I was a kid, I had to memorize this passage for a school play. I still remember it.

I pray these days find you pensive: contemplating God’s Love for you...

Mary’s motherhood

mary

i’ve been thinking a lot about mary, Jesus’ mother.

I’m especially drawn to her pregnancy and the birth of Christ. Could you imagine? There were no pregnancy pictures. No Gender reveal party. No Showers. No comfortable hospital bed. Did she have medication? No body brought her Chick Fil A or a cup of coffee afterwards. No special outfit to bring Jesus home in. No cute bassinet. No flowers. No door hanger. No wipe warmer. 

Did the power of the Holy Spirit so envelope her that none of those things mattered? Or did even for a minute she thought, “It’s not supposed to go this way.”

So why are we so shocked when things go side ways? I know I am. I get this idea in my head of how it’s supposed to be and when it doesn’t go that way, in the past, I stumble over that event.

Maybe it’s just human nature. Maybe it’s my need for control. The struggle I have is myself railing against the Lord’s holy appointments for me. 

We’ve made Christmas to be about traditions. And traditions are good. But it catches me up when things don’t go as planned... “It’s not supposed to be this way.” 

All of Mary’s motherhood is: It’s not supposed to go this way.

Can you imagine the crictism she received? “oh, bless, she delivered in a STABLE....”. 

But in all of time that I have spent lamenting about “it’s not supposed to be this way” what have I missed? I’ve missed a lot. I’ve acted in ways that I should not have. 

Lord, help me.

I hope to turn to the celebration that Christmas means and let go of traditions not continued for whatever reason. I hope I can remember that Christmas is about imperfections made perfect in His presence. 

the path

summer

this summer was....

interesting...

and fun.

and cathartic.

so. carhartic.

I participated in a Bible study at my church (so good)! We camped at the beach (so adventurous)! We did can outreach at my church (so amazing)! And we visited my family in MS (so much love)!

The recurring theme for me was addressing some new fears that had sprung up for me. I didn’t really see Fear come walking in the door and make himself at home. He often invited his cousin Chaos and Anger tagged along. And threw his soda cans on the ground and left a sticky trail of candy... just acted like this was his frat house. 

Well this summer I realized the Lord doesn’t want me to live with fear. Or chaos. Or anger. 

So I evicted him.

He’s been at the door of my heart trying to get back in but I’m sending him packin’. 

Another thing I realized:

being present 

is more important than 

being perfect

I found I was holding back because I was scared of messing up. This summer I realized I just needed to jump.

Our camping trip was less than perfect but, man, did we have fun! 

Our puppets and popsicles outreach may not have been perfect but we were able to connect with the kids in the neighborhood of our church.

I probably stuck my foot in my mouth a lot at Bible study but I was able to connect with new and old friends.

I know my future is full of mistakes and moments where I’ll stick my foot in my mouth... but I’m gonna try to focus more on being present instead of being perfect.