What would my life look like if Universal Studios made it into a movie?
When I was 16 years old, my friend died in a car accident. My life changed in a hundred different ways. I refused to drive a car. I retreated from all my friends. And I swore that, since I now knew how short life could be, that I would make sure that every day I did something to make a difference in this world. Many years, medications, counseling sessions and divine interventions from the Lord, I now drive, I work to confront the problems around me... but I still swear to myself every day that I will make a difference in this world.
And I'm not fishing for compliments when I say that... It's just something that I feel passionate about... it's part of my personal theology... that a way to honor and glorify God is to make a difference for Him... to be His hands and feet... to comfort those who are hurting...
So I saw The King's Speech this week because one of the main characters is a speech therapist, like me. (Apart from the cursing) I was inspired and encouraged as I watched Logue face challenges like I do with clients.
But I did start to think: what would my life look like as a movie? Would it be a serious drama like "The King's Speech"? Where the main characters are triumphant over the challenges they face?
Would it be a comedy? Like an Adam Sandler comedy? Pointless, but good entertainment along the way.
Would it be an epic? Like The Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Or would it be a musical like "My Fair Lady" (which is also based on a pioneer in the field of Speech-Language Pathology: Henry Sweet)? Where the main character learns some valuable lesson while feeling superior to those he is helping... that he's really the one helped out in the end?
I'm not looking for answers, really... only to facilitate some thinking... that if we lived our lives in such a way that it might be made into a movie one day... would we do anything different? If we lived in such a way that every little thing we do is to glorify God, how would it be different?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
cat on a hot tin roof
So tonight's post isn't about me trying to be a better Christian, but trying to be a whole Christian... I am on a path towards WHOLE-i-ness...
And this weekend marks an anniversary for me of an event that broke me and shattered me into a million little pieces. A few weeks ago, Keith (my pastor) remarked that some events in our lives (divorce, namely) amputates a family, and indeed, the events of this weekend so long ago, left me practically quartered. But unlike mythical creatures that can regenerate body parts, my spiritual body did not regenerate quite so easily... Much to the chagrin of fellow Christians... A magic pill alluded me for many years and people's disappointment at my lack of healing just sent me further down the rabbit hole. Scriptures and cliches were thrown at me with the hopes that something would stick, but my depression and despair deflected the words. I was too young to have the coping mechanism to grieve gracefully and I was bleeding out spiritually.
Eleven (yes, I am ashamed to say that even eleven long years doesn't numb the pain)- Eleven years ago, my life was turned on its ear. I sit here, alone, with old movies playing on my television in the background and I am no longer afraid to feel the pain of the loss all over again. It's at least bearable. I don't know that the pain will ever go away... mostly the pain is over the things that can never be. Most days I can keep a flat affect and shrug my shoulders over it, but I won't make myself tonight. I've got a feeling that many feel pain over these holidays... and we work really hard to put a smile on our faces and bite back the tears. But I'll share that I can't ever be "over" it. I'll always miss him and I'll always love him, regardless of how badly he hurt me and despite what others think that I feel over the matter. Is this what true forgiveness feels like? Well, that, for sure, is a theological debate that I can't wrestle with tonight.
It took me a long time to be at peace with the situation the way it is... it was a long process and the Lord was very patient with me during this time. He sent many wonderful people to love me and give me some perspective. And He gave me the strength to stand up for myself in a graceful way.
In recent years, while I allow myself to feel this pain and raise a metaphorical glass to what was and what will never be, I have come to a place where the Lord has taken these painful moments and turned them into moments to celebrate. The dichotomy is hard to swallow, but I do think it is important to be thankful for all the things that I do have... and that for a moment in time, I thought I wouldn't be allowed to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother... for a moment in my life, I thought I'd never have a husband whose birthday I would get to celebrate. And for this year, I get to do both all in one day as well as celebrate my own wonderful mother... is this what "joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) means? "Though He slays me, yet will I hope in Him..." (Job 13: 15)???
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." - Psalm 23: 4-6
So for you reading this, take heart. I do not pause to gloat... I pause to celebrate with the prayer that the Lord will show Himself to you like He has shown Himself to me... to thank Him for not leaving me in the mud and mire... "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34: 18
"Praise be to the Lord, for He showed His wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. In my alarm I said, 'I am cut off from Your sight!' Yet You heard my cry for mercy when I called to You for help." - Psalm 31: 21-22
All of this reminds me of a scene from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," during which Brick is taunting his wife Maggie and continues in his attempts to push her away. He said to her, "What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?" and she says, "Just staying on it, I guess, long as she can." Sometimes we just have to hang on...
May you, brokenhearted beloved, find Him in your pain... find the strength to hang on... may you feel His loving arms wrap around you... may you feel Him bind your wounds and give you a reason to sing His praises...
And this weekend marks an anniversary for me of an event that broke me and shattered me into a million little pieces. A few weeks ago, Keith (my pastor) remarked that some events in our lives (divorce, namely) amputates a family, and indeed, the events of this weekend so long ago, left me practically quartered. But unlike mythical creatures that can regenerate body parts, my spiritual body did not regenerate quite so easily... Much to the chagrin of fellow Christians... A magic pill alluded me for many years and people's disappointment at my lack of healing just sent me further down the rabbit hole. Scriptures and cliches were thrown at me with the hopes that something would stick, but my depression and despair deflected the words. I was too young to have the coping mechanism to grieve gracefully and I was bleeding out spiritually.
Eleven (yes, I am ashamed to say that even eleven long years doesn't numb the pain)- Eleven years ago, my life was turned on its ear. I sit here, alone, with old movies playing on my television in the background and I am no longer afraid to feel the pain of the loss all over again. It's at least bearable. I don't know that the pain will ever go away... mostly the pain is over the things that can never be. Most days I can keep a flat affect and shrug my shoulders over it, but I won't make myself tonight. I've got a feeling that many feel pain over these holidays... and we work really hard to put a smile on our faces and bite back the tears. But I'll share that I can't ever be "over" it. I'll always miss him and I'll always love him, regardless of how badly he hurt me and despite what others think that I feel over the matter. Is this what true forgiveness feels like? Well, that, for sure, is a theological debate that I can't wrestle with tonight.
It took me a long time to be at peace with the situation the way it is... it was a long process and the Lord was very patient with me during this time. He sent many wonderful people to love me and give me some perspective. And He gave me the strength to stand up for myself in a graceful way.
In recent years, while I allow myself to feel this pain and raise a metaphorical glass to what was and what will never be, I have come to a place where the Lord has taken these painful moments and turned them into moments to celebrate. The dichotomy is hard to swallow, but I do think it is important to be thankful for all the things that I do have... and that for a moment in time, I thought I wouldn't be allowed to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother... for a moment in my life, I thought I'd never have a husband whose birthday I would get to celebrate. And for this year, I get to do both all in one day as well as celebrate my own wonderful mother... is this what "joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) means? "Though He slays me, yet will I hope in Him..." (Job 13: 15)???
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." - Psalm 23: 4-6
So for you reading this, take heart. I do not pause to gloat... I pause to celebrate with the prayer that the Lord will show Himself to you like He has shown Himself to me... to thank Him for not leaving me in the mud and mire... "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34: 18
"Praise be to the Lord, for He showed His wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. In my alarm I said, 'I am cut off from Your sight!' Yet You heard my cry for mercy when I called to You for help." - Psalm 31: 21-22
All of this reminds me of a scene from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," during which Brick is taunting his wife Maggie and continues in his attempts to push her away. He said to her, "What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?" and she says, "Just staying on it, I guess, long as she can." Sometimes we just have to hang on...
May you, brokenhearted beloved, find Him in your pain... find the strength to hang on... may you feel His loving arms wrap around you... may you feel Him bind your wounds and give you a reason to sing His praises...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
faulty gods
So two Facebook posts today spurred this post tonight... Recent events cause me to sit back and consult Scriptures more. While I have been through more tragic events then what I've been dealing with in the past few months, I am forced to return to lessons I learned during those difficult times.
Lesson One: during the weeks after I lost my first pregnancy to a miscarriage, Heath and I had many, many theological debates on the practice of praying for God's will and then expecting our desires to be carried out. And about how giving ourselves up to God's design was so very difficult at that moment. During one of our tirades, Heath looked at me and said, "but you know it's not that we serve a faulty god, it's that our theology is faulty..." Well, that stopped me in my tracks and made all the horrible things that people said to me kind of make sense as to why they felt the license to be so bold and so wrong all at the same time.
Lesson Two: this one, I've just kinda recently touched upon (and ties in to Lesson One)... but I was reminded of it tonight... My "I'm just a sign post" saying... which has given me more freedom to serve Him recently. Despite my mistakes, my issues, my generational curses, my insecurities, my second-guessing, He doesn't change... hasn't changed... and He won't change. He is who He said He was and He does not need me to be perfect to make Him any more than what He already is...
Lesson One: during the weeks after I lost my first pregnancy to a miscarriage, Heath and I had many, many theological debates on the practice of praying for God's will and then expecting our desires to be carried out. And about how giving ourselves up to God's design was so very difficult at that moment. During one of our tirades, Heath looked at me and said, "but you know it's not that we serve a faulty god, it's that our theology is faulty..." Well, that stopped me in my tracks and made all the horrible things that people said to me kind of make sense as to why they felt the license to be so bold and so wrong all at the same time.
Lesson Two: this one, I've just kinda recently touched upon (and ties in to Lesson One)... but I was reminded of it tonight... My "I'm just a sign post" saying... which has given me more freedom to serve Him recently. Despite my mistakes, my issues, my generational curses, my insecurities, my second-guessing, He doesn't change... hasn't changed... and He won't change. He is who He said He was and He does not need me to be perfect to make Him any more than what He already is...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
after Easter
Today was such a great day... I had the privilege and honor of helping lead worship at Christ Community Church... I was up at 4:30 to get ready and we were at the church at 6:45 to prepare for the 3 services! It was so wonderful to be apart of our first Easter Sunday at the Milgen Road location. It was amazing to see three separate groups of people come into the same space and worship God... I mean, really worship God. It was such a privilege truly to see such an intimate and yet public moment in people's lives. So the whole point of this blog is just to give thanks to God for what He did on the Cross and for allowing me to be a part of worship like this morning. There were also moments where the lights would turn to a warm glow and I could just see in my mind's eye, God smiling down on us... I couldn't help but take those moments and bottle them up to pull out later when I am in the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
"O death, where is your sting! O hell, where is your victory?" I had to keep myself from laughing right out loud as we sang those verses over and over again!
Regardless of the misconceptions others may have of me, I don't have to explain myself to Him... I never had to second guess myself with Him... He knows the numbers of the hairs on my head... He knows my thoughts before they form in my brain... He knows my pain and I don't have to explain it to Him... Hallelujah! Christ is Risen! God loves me despite myself! What a revelation! What knowledge!
"O death, where is your sting! O hell, where is your victory?" I had to keep myself from laughing right out loud as we sang those verses over and over again!
Regardless of the misconceptions others may have of me, I don't have to explain myself to Him... I never had to second guess myself with Him... He knows the numbers of the hairs on my head... He knows my thoughts before they form in my brain... He knows my pain and I don't have to explain it to Him... Hallelujah! Christ is Risen! God loves me despite myself! What a revelation! What knowledge!
Christ is Risen (Matt Maher)
Let no one caught in sin remain Inside the lie of inward shame But fix our eyes upon the cross And run to Him who showed great love And bled for us Freely You've bled for us Chorus Christ is risen from the dead Trampling over death by death Come awake, come awake Come and rise up from the grave Christ is risen from the dead We are one with Him again Come awake, come awake Come and rise up from the grave Verse 2
Beneath the weight of all our sin You bowed to none but heaven's will No scheme of hell no scoffer's crown No burden great can hold You down In strength You reign Forever let Your church pro - claim Bridge O death, where is your sting? O hell, where is your victory? O church, come stand in the light The glory of God has defeated the night O death, where is your sting? O hell, where is your victory? O church, come stand in the light Our God is not dead He's alive! He's alive!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Easter
Last year, Easter dissolved like the pink sugar peeps in Hero's two-year-old mouth. But this year, he is talking about Easter eggs, chocolate bunnies and even the bunny that poops jelly beans on t.v.
So tonight, as he was attempting to prolong sleep any longer, I started singing an old worship chorus that was simply: "Jesus."
He jumped in: "Jesus had blood on His hands, Mommy."
They must be talking about the Crucifixion at preschool or children's church? Or was he mixing universes again- this time Christianity with Star Wars?
So I attempted to explain: "yes, He did... He was hurt, but now He isn't. His blood covers our sins and we are made whole again. But Jesus came back to life! And He isn't hurt anymore!" I had to fight back tears...
Lately, I've been feeling quite vulnerable in my walk with Jesus... worried about what others have been thinking about my walk with the Lord (because I've been quite a mess lately)... nervous that people would interpret things that I am helping with in ministry as a neon sign that I think I've finally got it all together. [which, FYI, I do not think that at all]
But two things occurred to me:
1. Yes, I really do believe that Jesus died on a cross for our sins and was raised from the dead... I don't need Lee Strobel to prove it to me. I believe it, deep in my bones believe it to be true, however crazy it seems...
2. Regardless of my shortcomings, the Gospel doesn't change...Because of Jesus' actions on the Cross, we can have a relationship with God and have peace and love here on this Earth. My momma told me, "Stop trying to save the world, Buffy! That's Jesus' job!"
And what a wonderful job He did on the Cross! What a wonderful job He does! I am excited to celebrate Easter this Sunday with my son as he learns about the Resurrection of Jesus Christ!
So tonight, as he was attempting to prolong sleep any longer, I started singing an old worship chorus that was simply: "Jesus."
He jumped in: "Jesus had blood on His hands, Mommy."
They must be talking about the Crucifixion at preschool or children's church? Or was he mixing universes again- this time Christianity with Star Wars?
So I attempted to explain: "yes, He did... He was hurt, but now He isn't. His blood covers our sins and we are made whole again. But Jesus came back to life! And He isn't hurt anymore!" I had to fight back tears...
Lately, I've been feeling quite vulnerable in my walk with Jesus... worried about what others have been thinking about my walk with the Lord (because I've been quite a mess lately)... nervous that people would interpret things that I am helping with in ministry as a neon sign that I think I've finally got it all together. [which, FYI, I do not think that at all]
But two things occurred to me:
1. Yes, I really do believe that Jesus died on a cross for our sins and was raised from the dead... I don't need Lee Strobel to prove it to me. I believe it, deep in my bones believe it to be true, however crazy it seems...
2. Regardless of my shortcomings, the Gospel doesn't change...Because of Jesus' actions on the Cross, we can have a relationship with God and have peace and love here on this Earth. My momma told me, "Stop trying to save the world, Buffy! That's Jesus' job!"
And what a wonderful job He did on the Cross! What a wonderful job He does! I am excited to celebrate Easter this Sunday with my son as he learns about the Resurrection of Jesus Christ!
*You Are Mine*
Max Lucado wrote a book called “God thinks you are wonderful.” It’s hard for me to wrap my head around that…. always has been… In “God think you are wonderful,” Lucado writes, “If God has a refrigerator; your picture would be on it.”
When my son, Hero, was about 3 weeks old, I watched him sleep one afternoon. He started to fuss a little, but settled down again into sleep. And his mouth settled into that cute little fish-mouth. I prayed, “God, I love this kid.” Then the thought occurred to me… this must be what God feels for us. This kid hasn’t done anything to make me proud of him… he hasn’t done anything for me… in fact, he's cost me quite a bit of physical pain and some money too.
But I love him just because he is mine…
and that is how God feels about us… He loves us just because we belong to Him. We don’t have to do anything magical or awesome… He loves us anyway.
In a world where you have to perform to prove your worth, it is nice to know that there is Someone who loves me just like I am… Someone who loves me anyway… I’ve always worked to get people’s approval. I always felt that I had to do something to show that I was worth having around. It wasn’t until I had Hero that the concept of grace clicked for me in such a real way. I hope it doesn’t take you that long to experience God’s acceptance of you. Jesus’ death on the cross bridged the gap… And God sent Him to that task because we are His.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
is this what I sound like?
I am realizing so much about my relationship with God through my relationship with my son.
Now, my disclaimer is that I do very much realize how privileged I am to have a son. I love my son with every fiber of my being. I am so psycho about my son... like The-Bride-from-Kill-Bill psycho about my son. So please don't bring that into question as I am exploring this epiphany I just had.
My son has been really sick over this weekend... Not to the point where I was ever really worried, but certainly to the point where I am (present tense) exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally. He was vomiting and ran a fever and it was just gross in a hundred different ways.
But a new day has dawned and, boy howdy, does he feel better! He is running all over this house like a mad man. But he is mostly just whining... and whining... and whining some more... and demanding... demanding... demanding...
I had to run to Target and we went through the toy section because I thought I'd get him a prize for being such a trooper... well, he whined and complained to the point that we walked away with no new toy. But tonight so whiny and so complainy... Like the dripping of a faucet sink...
I wonder if this is how we sound to God... does He ever get exasperated with us and outdone with our constant complaining and constant whining?
But the thing of it is: no matter how much Hero complains and whines, I am not going to go away... I am still going to be here- filling up his sippy cup and making grilled cheese sandwiches. Washing his bear and blanket for the 50th time because he puked all over them -- again. Holding him tight until the fever leaves him. Holding him while he heaves over the toilet.
And so it is with God.... He is not going away. He promised to supply all of our needs. He holds us tight until the pain goes away.
He is.... always... constant... loving... regardless...
Now, my disclaimer is that I do very much realize how privileged I am to have a son. I love my son with every fiber of my being. I am so psycho about my son... like The-Bride-from-Kill-Bill psycho about my son. So please don't bring that into question as I am exploring this epiphany I just had.
My son has been really sick over this weekend... Not to the point where I was ever really worried, but certainly to the point where I am (present tense) exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally. He was vomiting and ran a fever and it was just gross in a hundred different ways.
But a new day has dawned and, boy howdy, does he feel better! He is running all over this house like a mad man. But he is mostly just whining... and whining... and whining some more... and demanding... demanding... demanding...
I had to run to Target and we went through the toy section because I thought I'd get him a prize for being such a trooper... well, he whined and complained to the point that we walked away with no new toy. But tonight so whiny and so complainy... Like the dripping of a faucet sink...
I wonder if this is how we sound to God... does He ever get exasperated with us and outdone with our constant complaining and constant whining?
But the thing of it is: no matter how much Hero complains and whines, I am not going to go away... I am still going to be here- filling up his sippy cup and making grilled cheese sandwiches. Washing his bear and blanket for the 50th time because he puked all over them -- again. Holding him tight until the fever leaves him. Holding him while he heaves over the toilet.
And so it is with God.... He is not going away. He promised to supply all of our needs. He holds us tight until the pain goes away.
He is.... always... constant... loving... regardless...
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