it’s Christmas

Christmas has always been sad to me. 

I dunno why. I didn’t have a particularly bad childhood. But Christmas has always seemed sad to me...

The theme of the Charlie Brown Christmas Special makes me sad. Reminds me of my grandfather.

As I made breakfast this morning, I realized I was not as sad as I was pensive.

Christmas marks the end of the calendar year. And I’ve been reflective of this year. It was a hard year.

But as I am learning, life is hard period. Whether it comes in a clump or is spread out over a life time. 

What I chose to focus on is that Christmas is a reminder of Christ’s gift of His presence. And to be thankful for the people surrounding me.

I’m also thinking of Mary. I’m especially drawn to her during this season of my life. I wonder what her feeling was travelling to Bethleham, giving birth in a barn... I’d be so over it- “pick someone else!” Maybe she supernaturally felt this purpose and was totally cool with it. Did she see the glow of the angels appearing to the shephards in the sky?  I wonder what human emotions ran through her...

Anyway go read Luke 2:7-14. When I was a kid, I had to memorize this passage for a school play. I still remember it.

I pray these days find you pensive: contemplating God’s Love for you...

Mary’s motherhood

mary

i’ve been thinking a lot about mary, Jesus’ mother.

I’m especially drawn to her pregnancy and the birth of Christ. Could you imagine? There were no pregnancy pictures. No Gender reveal party. No Showers. No comfortable hospital bed. Did she have medication? No body brought her Chick Fil A or a cup of coffee afterwards. No special outfit to bring Jesus home in. No cute bassinet. No flowers. No door hanger. No wipe warmer. 

Did the power of the Holy Spirit so envelope her that none of those things mattered? Or did even for a minute she thought, “It’s not supposed to go this way.”

So why are we so shocked when things go side ways? I know I am. I get this idea in my head of how it’s supposed to be and when it doesn’t go that way, in the past, I stumble over that event.

Maybe it’s just human nature. Maybe it’s my need for control. The struggle I have is myself railing against the Lord’s holy appointments for me. 

We’ve made Christmas to be about traditions. And traditions are good. But it catches me up when things don’t go as planned... “It’s not supposed to be this way.” 

All of Mary’s motherhood is: It’s not supposed to go this way.

Can you imagine the crictism she received? “oh, bless, she delivered in a STABLE....”. 

But in all of time that I have spent lamenting about “it’s not supposed to be this way” what have I missed? I’ve missed a lot. I’ve acted in ways that I should not have. 

Lord, help me.

I hope to turn to the celebration that Christmas means and let go of traditions not continued for whatever reason. I hope I can remember that Christmas is about imperfections made perfect in His presence. 

the path

summer

this summer was....

interesting...

and fun.

and cathartic.

so. carhartic.

I participated in a Bible study at my church (so good)! We camped at the beach (so adventurous)! We did can outreach at my church (so amazing)! And we visited my family in MS (so much love)!

The recurring theme for me was addressing some new fears that had sprung up for me. I didn’t really see Fear come walking in the door and make himself at home. He often invited his cousin Chaos and Anger tagged along. And threw his soda cans on the ground and left a sticky trail of candy... just acted like this was his frat house. 

Well this summer I realized the Lord doesn’t want me to live with fear. Or chaos. Or anger. 

So I evicted him.

He’s been at the door of my heart trying to get back in but I’m sending him packin’. 

Another thing I realized:

being present 

is more important than 

being perfect

I found I was holding back because I was scared of messing up. This summer I realized I just needed to jump.

Our camping trip was less than perfect but, man, did we have fun! 

Our puppets and popsicles outreach may not have been perfect but we were able to connect with the kids in the neighborhood of our church.

I probably stuck my foot in my mouth a lot at Bible study but I was able to connect with new and old friends.

I know my future is full of mistakes and moments where I’ll stick my foot in my mouth... but I’m gonna try to focus more on being present instead of being perfect.

to my 16 year old self

to my 16 year old self:

i remember you

i remember the hours i stood before the mirror squandered hours wishing to be blue eyed and blond haired and sized 8

i remember feeling so low there was no looking up

i remember momma saying pretty is as pretty does

but the world was contradictory

in awarding the pretty over me

...{at least that’s what it looked like to me}

but as time wears on

i realize that the most beautiful faces are 

those that wear kindness on their brows and peace on their lips...

the most beautiful are those that wear love on their hands and healing in their words...

if I could free you from the chains of doubt I would

but you must do that yourself

I only wish that you had learned sooner to gaze into the eyes of the One who loves you most

to see your reflection there

you’d smash this worldly mirror and run from that place of doubt 

and you’d jump in that River of Grace sooner

and

be

free

becoming unafraid

fear

grips my chest

steals my breath

blurs my vision

i’m exhausted

being afraid

it’s exhausting

running down a thousand rabbit holes 

looking for you

so i close my eyes

and breathe in

breathe out

i tell the speaker of these thoughts to hush

i’m tired

of being sick and tired

i come to the place where becoming unafraid slips into the thrill of being in His embrace

where the security i searched for

has been in His hands

this whole time

i breathe in this freedom

unafraid of drowning in the river of His grace

i’m at the place where becoming unafraid dissolves into a place where my mind is still and calm

i once was hanging by the thread of His garment

now i am resting in His embrace

becoming unafraid

the lesson of the gulf

So a few weeks ago, I told my husband that I wanted to do something adventurous and take our sons camping in Gulf Shores. We had never taken the boys camping. This school year was so difficult personally and professionally. I wanted something exciting and out of the ordinary.

Saturday before the trip found us replacing two tires on our van. We were able to get tires on a Saturday but that incident derailed a lot of other little details... I fought off a panic attack. My panic attacks hurt physically and wipe me out pretty good so fighting it off was a job. Also not planned.

Sunday night dissolved into managing children's behaviors while Heath worked so nothing got packed. NOT IN THE PLANS, y'all.

Monday a.m. we woke, I got a pot of coffee in me, we threw some stuff in the van and hit the road.

The first thing we see at the campsite was a sign that said "do not feed the alligators." That stopped us in our tracks. We had a serious discussion before we got the boys out of the van. But we decided if we were gonna be adventurers we had to go all in. So we did.

Nothing went as planned. I don't know why I am so surprised when things don't go as I plan them. NOTHING goes as planned. EVER. But we really did just roll with the punches. I started thinking of this whole trip as an adventure and to start expecting the unexpected.

But a moment at The Gulf gave me pause.

The Gulf is my favorite restaurant in Orange Beach. It's an outdoor place sitting on the water and just beautiful to me. The sun was shining as we walked up. I took a deep breath in and out and smiled. We ordered our food and sat down. The boys were behaving, my handsome husband was with me, there was a nice breeze.... everything was just amazing.

Then the first pat of rain became a drum beat and the rain started coming in sideways. Thunder, lightening, wind gusts... we retreated closer to the building under the awning. I smiled a weak smile to Heath. We settled in for the rain. An employee asked if we wanted the food to go... I said we were going to eat it there ... I was determined to spend some time in my favorite spot! Even in the rain.

I started to pray a prayer with a familiar cadence: "Hey, God, uhm, remember yesterday when I prayed for no more rain? Uh why is the exact opposite of my prayers always seem to be happening?!"

My eyes caught a boat fighting to come in off the water. Everything felt so chaotic. The rain and wind was kicking up an awful noise. I could barely see the water with the rain coming down. People were rushing and fussing near us. The sky was dark and gray. The clouds were like pulled out cotton balls that had found themselves in the hands of a chubby two year old.

I glanced to my boys who were uncharacteristically calm. I glanced back to the water. I watched the waves...
... there was a pattern there... there was a rhythm. The rain banging on the tin roof was actually pounding out a melody. The wind added in the harmony. And I realized in that moment that what I perceive as chaos is actually very controlled in God's hands. I was witnessing His creation first hand and how it was responding to His voice. Not one wave rolled without being told to do so. Not one gust was wind blew two inches in the other way. Every rain drop landed right where it was mean to.

It was scary and unsettling... but that was because I wanted to control the weather in that moment. Because in my head, rain would ruin my lunch at my favorite restaurant.
But the vision of this moment... seeing each component individually stripped of the rest... I saw God's hand.... I imagined God at that moment with hair like Bob Ross and a large paintbrush asking me to be patient as He painted this moment for me to know that what I see as chaos and unfavorable conditions is His art.

So it is with the circumstances I am facing.... at home.... at work.... at Walmart....

If I truly pray the prayer that never fails, there will be peace and fulfillment of His promises in this chaos.

So I prayed the prayers that never fails... I asked the Lord to continue to help me to see the beauty in the storms of my life and to love me anyway.

The rain stopped before our food was ready. We wiped down the tables and I ate an amazing meal.

Before we left, we were able to have a picture made as a family of five. That's a big deal for us.

So: God's got this.

What's the prayer that never fails, you ask? "Thy will be done."