old idols

on my way back from opelika (doctor’s appointment), i heard this guy on the radio say that we should be careful not to return to old idols as we have been asked to wait and be still during this time. He said like the Isrealites made the golden calf when Moses did not come back as quickly as they had anticipated- they panicked and reverted to old ways instead of staying calm and waiting and trusting. I needed to hear that today.

this song has been on my heart these past few days:
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus' Name
On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

today is called Good Friday. it was somebody’s Bad Friday. for Jesus. for Mary. for the disciples. their Bad Friday is our Good Friday because we know the end of the story. We know Sunday’s coming.

In this moment, we don’t know the end of this covid story. But we know Jesus.
“When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand”

it’s Christmas

Christmas has always been sad to me. 

I dunno why. I didn’t have a particularly bad childhood. But Christmas has always seemed sad to me...

The theme of the Charlie Brown Christmas Special makes me sad. Reminds me of my grandfather.

As I made breakfast this morning, I realized I was not as sad as I was pensive.

Christmas marks the end of the calendar year. And I’ve been reflective of this year. It was a hard year.

But as I am learning, life is hard period. Whether it comes in a clump or is spread out over a life time. 

What I chose to focus on is that Christmas is a reminder of Christ’s gift of His presence. And to be thankful for the people surrounding me.

I’m also thinking of Mary. I’m especially drawn to her during this season of my life. I wonder what her feeling was travelling to Bethleham, giving birth in a barn... I’d be so over it- “pick someone else!” Maybe she supernaturally felt this purpose and was totally cool with it. Did she see the glow of the angels appearing to the shephards in the sky?  I wonder what human emotions ran through her...

Anyway go read Luke 2:7-14. When I was a kid, I had to memorize this passage for a school play. I still remember it.

I pray these days find you pensive: contemplating God’s Love for you...

Mary’s motherhood

mary

i’ve been thinking a lot about mary, Jesus’ mother.

I’m especially drawn to her pregnancy and the birth of Christ. Could you imagine? There were no pregnancy pictures. No Gender reveal party. No Showers. No comfortable hospital bed. Did she have medication? No body brought her Chick Fil A or a cup of coffee afterwards. No special outfit to bring Jesus home in. No cute bassinet. No flowers. No door hanger. No wipe warmer. 

Did the power of the Holy Spirit so envelope her that none of those things mattered? Or did even for a minute she thought, “It’s not supposed to go this way.”

So why are we so shocked when things go side ways? I know I am. I get this idea in my head of how it’s supposed to be and when it doesn’t go that way, in the past, I stumble over that event.

Maybe it’s just human nature. Maybe it’s my need for control. The struggle I have is myself railing against the Lord’s holy appointments for me. 

We’ve made Christmas to be about traditions. And traditions are good. But it catches me up when things don’t go as planned... “It’s not supposed to be this way.” 

All of Mary’s motherhood is: It’s not supposed to go this way.

Can you imagine the crictism she received? “oh, bless, she delivered in a STABLE....”. 

But in all of time that I have spent lamenting about “it’s not supposed to be this way” what have I missed? I’ve missed a lot. I’ve acted in ways that I should not have. 

Lord, help me.

I hope to turn to the celebration that Christmas means and let go of traditions not continued for whatever reason. I hope I can remember that Christmas is about imperfections made perfect in His presence. 

the path

summer

this summer was....

interesting...

and fun.

and cathartic.

so. carhartic.

I participated in a Bible study at my church (so good)! We camped at the beach (so adventurous)! We did can outreach at my church (so amazing)! And we visited my family in MS (so much love)!

The recurring theme for me was addressing some new fears that had sprung up for me. I didn’t really see Fear come walking in the door and make himself at home. He often invited his cousin Chaos and Anger tagged along. And threw his soda cans on the ground and left a sticky trail of candy... just acted like this was his frat house. 

Well this summer I realized the Lord doesn’t want me to live with fear. Or chaos. Or anger. 

So I evicted him.

He’s been at the door of my heart trying to get back in but I’m sending him packin’. 

Another thing I realized:

being present 

is more important than 

being perfect

I found I was holding back because I was scared of messing up. This summer I realized I just needed to jump.

Our camping trip was less than perfect but, man, did we have fun! 

Our puppets and popsicles outreach may not have been perfect but we were able to connect with the kids in the neighborhood of our church.

I probably stuck my foot in my mouth a lot at Bible study but I was able to connect with new and old friends.

I know my future is full of mistakes and moments where I’ll stick my foot in my mouth... but I’m gonna try to focus more on being present instead of being perfect.

to my 16 year old self

to my 16 year old self:

i remember you

i remember the hours i stood before the mirror squandered hours wishing to be blue eyed and blond haired and sized 8

i remember feeling so low there was no looking up

i remember momma saying pretty is as pretty does

but the world was contradictory

in awarding the pretty over me

...{at least that’s what it looked like to me}

but as time wears on

i realize that the most beautiful faces are 

those that wear kindness on their brows and peace on their lips...

the most beautiful are those that wear love on their hands and healing in their words...

if I could free you from the chains of doubt I would

but you must do that yourself

I only wish that you had learned sooner to gaze into the eyes of the One who loves you most

to see your reflection there

you’d smash this worldly mirror and run from that place of doubt 

and you’d jump in that River of Grace sooner

and

be

free

becoming unafraid

fear

grips my chest

steals my breath

blurs my vision

i’m exhausted

being afraid

it’s exhausting

running down a thousand rabbit holes 

looking for you

so i close my eyes

and breathe in

breathe out

i tell the speaker of these thoughts to hush

i’m tired

of being sick and tired

i come to the place where becoming unafraid slips into the thrill of being in His embrace

where the security i searched for

has been in His hands

this whole time

i breathe in this freedom

unafraid of drowning in the river of His grace

i’m at the place where becoming unafraid dissolves into a place where my mind is still and calm

i once was hanging by the thread of His garment

now i am resting in His embrace

becoming unafraid