renewal smells like lavender and peppermint or "killing two birds with one stone"

Hubby and I had the privilege to attend a marriage retreat that my church sponsored this past weekend.  We did not have pre-marital counseling so much of what we've learned in these first 12 years of marriage has been trial and error or what he learned while attending college in his counseling classes.  And what we learned this weekend... well, it just solidified what we've got and smoothed out the edges for some of our rough spots... not that some of the issues have disappeared, but just learning how to better deal with them... I love that he is giving me extra kisses on the cheek and extra hugs... it seems like during this season of our life with our little bitties where time for each other is at a premium, those extra hugs and kisses mean a lot to me.  

So I've been thinking about those extra hugs and kisses and how my firstborn boy reacts when he sees us hug or kiss:  "EEEEWWW!!!!  GROSS!!!!  STOP IT!!!!"  And he physically tries to get in between us.  (we've put a stop to that since coming back from the retreat)

But I realize now that he needs to see us being affectionate towards each other.  How is he going to learn about marriage and how to treat his wife if he doesn't see how a godly husband should treat his wife?  

The realization that he is growing up is all too real for me.  My second-born's first birthday is in just a few days... Life is moving fast... and I am blessed that they are growing normally... but I need to make sure that I am attending to my relationship with my husband because:

1.  my boys need to see a healthy, godly marriage in action

2.  one day, they won't be living with us anymore... and when they leave, we will be left with each other... he doesn't need to be a stranger to me nor does he need to be resentful towards me for putting the boys before him.  
And maybe you will disagree with me on that last point - it should go without saying that with an infant and young sons, their physical and emotional needs have to be attended to... but my marriage has needs that have to be attended to as well.  

It's like my marriage is a garden... before kids, I just had that little spot to attend to... but with kids, it's like my garden has expanded... and I have to hoof it to make sure all the plots are well cared for... I can't neglect my husband just because I have my two kids to care for.  I mean, things have definitely changed for us as a married couple, but we've got to be intentional about caring for our marriage.  My hubby likes to say "we need to do some preventative maintenance."  As a child of divorced parents, I agree.    

okay so to end with some random thankful notes:

I am really thankful for Pandora radio:  The Trampled by Turtles/Mumford & Sons station that I created is amazing... between the chuck of the mandolins and the rides on the banjos, I have gotten into a groove and pumped out a couple of reports that were standing before me like the Great Wall of China.  I still have more to do, but I'm getting through it with the help of the music and God's good grace....  I am super thankful for a wonderfully dry ride on these rainy days we've had lately.... I am thankful for the discovery of the lovely aroma when lavender and peppermint are mixed...  these scents were the pervasive scent at the retreat.  Renewal smells like lavendar and peppermint.  I am thankful for my husband's suggestion to go to the marriage retreat and that he still wants to spend time with me after these 12 years.  

I hope that we all find a time of renewal and refreshment in this busy season.

anniversarys

I don't know the plural for "anniversary."  All I know is that they suck.  For me, they kick my spiritual rear end.  I can tell you the date and almost the time that tragedies have stuck me.  For the ones that hit a long time ago, the scar is still on my spiritual DNA and although I'm not in the bed over it, I do get a twinge of memories and sadness.  Others are still super-fresh.  Like this one.  I miss my Pa so much still.  I can still hear his voice.  I can still smell his smell.

So does this make me a bad Christian because I'm not completely healed of this one?  Maybe.  But I don't think so.  I've come to a place where I believe that feeling negative feelings are just that: feelings.  And God's not peering at me over His gigantic glasses, "tsk"-ing me at my unbelief and my inability to let go.  He's wrapping His gigantic arms around me...

So I'm holding on tight to His grace and mercy as these tears continue to flow.  Lord, help me.

Why I Sing

One of the greatest joys I have in my life is being a part of the worship team at Christ Community.  This is what worship means to me:

1:  singing on a Sunday morning is not some way to satisfy an unfulfilled dream… singing worship – no matter where I am – connects me to the Lord in a way that takes the focus off of me and on to where it should be:  His Lordship and Sovereignty…. Thus dispelling all the enemy’s attacks on my fragile mind.

2:  Oswald Chambers said, “Worship is giving God the best that He can given to you.”    

Worship is my modern-day sacrifice.

3:  before I had Heath and my boys, I felt like there were times that I didn’t have much to worship about… and yet, the fact that Jesus died for my sins… well, that often took me to my knees.

4:  it’s ah-mazing to be up there on the stage, take my ear buds out and hear 700 people blowing my face off singing to the Lord…  it’s an incredible feeling to be in that seat during the worship time…. Helps me know that I am not alone in my walk with the Lord or my struggles.

5:  for all the wonderful blessings in my life

6:  for all the “even through the valley of the shadow of death, You are with me” times of my life

Hallelujah… I’ll sing a thousand “hallelujahs” and I’ll sing a hundred “amens” and I could never get close to the 10,000 reasons to praise the Lord for. 

7:  His mercies are new every morning. 

8:  His grace is sufficient. 

9:  His provision is timely. 

10:  His love knows no bounds.

11:  He is....  (take a minute to fill in the blank… praying that you find Him as we continue to lift up His name)

New Year's Eve 2012

When this New Year's Eve hits, I am thinking about my friends from high school... before Erin died... when we would spend the night at someone's house on New Year's Eve and eat ice cream from a Blue Bell ice cream tub and need to pass an apple around the table so that everyone would get a chance to talk.  And I'm thinking about what a wonderful Christmas we had this year and all the great memories we made.

I am thinking about how this past year was so full of ups and downs that I don't know how my heart contained it all.  My grandfather went to be with Jesus in February   Buck the dog went to be with Jesus too in February.  Brick was born in March.  Heath was ordained in May.  And the rest of the year was a struggle to keep from crying tears of sadness and pure joy.  Hero's grown into such a sweet little man.  Brick's doing very well.  We've met the challenge of moving from a family of three to a family of four.  I'm still not quite sure what I'm supposed to "do" being the "Reverend Mrs. Williamson" and I'm not quite sure that there is anything that I'm supposed to "do."  Recovering from Brick's birth took a little longer than I would have liked for it to, but I'm getting there.  We helped start a new community group which has been such a blessing to us.  I've deepened friendships.  I performed in "Joseph's Journey" at Christ Community which was a blast.  Heath and I have both been employed and our family has had all that we need.

I'm not sure what 2013 has in store for us.  I do want to make some changes, but those changes are do-able and not very drastic.  On a larger scale, 2012 was a year of fear for our country: with the election, the economy, the fiscal cliff is threatening, crimes on a mass scale make us even more cautious... 2013 could be a scary year if I let it be.

But... I know that the God of the universe is holding me and my family in the palm of His hand.  And I know that He knows the path that is before us.  I know that because of this, I don't have to be afraid.

So, I pray that for all of us tonight, beloved... as we count down the minutes to a brand new year and think about all the changes we want to make and think about what's going on in America and how it will affect us personally... that the presence of the Almighty God is so strong that we no longer fear the present or the future... that His love is so strong and so real that we can no longer deny Him... and we stand in awe at His love, mercy and grace.

unanswered prayers -or- withholding does not mean holding out

One technique that is frequently used in speech therapy is called "withholding."  It's one of the very first techniques that we learn in school.  And it's exactly what it sounds like... when a child is whining or reaching for something, you withhold the item and teach him how to request it with signs or with words.  Remember your mom saying, "I'm sorry, I can't read your mind... you have to tell me what you want"? ... keep reading... I promise I tie all this together...

Two Sundays ago, our pastor gave such a great sermon about unanswered prayers that I had to blog my sermon notes for future reference... as well as some side notes from myself.  Keep the "withholding" technique in mind.  He cited many scriptures about prayer and answers to prayers.... the famous "ask, seek, knock" passage in Matthew 7 and this one: 

Hebrews 4:15-16  New International Version (NIV) 

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

These scriptures have been tossed at me, taken out of context all of my Christian life...  it's so easy to get jaded by God because even though Scriptures can imply that God will give us whatever we want if we just ask, so often we are left stomping our feet with our faces up towards Heaven, with a two-year-old scowl on our faces.  And the infamous question "Why, God?"  on our lips.  *guilty as charged*  Seriously, I am so guilty of doing this... "Lord, You said if I had faith of a mustard seed, You would move the mountain... and you didn't give me that new car I wanted!"  

I know that I've shared this story before, but it's so fitting here:  after I suffered a miscarriage, I sat on the couch lamenting to Heath in the kitchen about how I had prayed and how I felt God had let me down...  Heath suddenly stuck his head around the corner of the kitchen wall... "You know, maybe it's not that we serve a faulty God who can't answer our prayers... maybe it's that we've got a faulty theology when it comes to how He really operates." And even though we had come to this conclusion, our little puny human minds could not understand God's infinite wisdom.

Okay, back to what Keith said:  so Keith said (in a nutshell)... answered prayer has conditions... that we must pray according to His will ... we must pray with pure motives... and that He will always answer your prayers:  it just may not be the answer you were looking for... *I'll give you a moment to let that sink in*

During speech therapy, when I withhold from a child, I am not trying to be cruel or heartless... I am simply trying to convey, "Hey, I know that you've got more inside you than you are letting the world see... I am going to challenge you."  And so it is with God... He pushes us to places where we can see more of Him and experience more of Him.  I have to trust that He sees a bigger picture (so cliche, I know, but true).  

So my prayer for you, beloved, is that in this moment of unanswered prayers, that you feel His arms wrap around you... that You hear Him whisper to you... that You understand that He wants the absolute best for you.  

2 for 1: "what my mother told me" & "primal screams"

Part One: "what my mother told me"
A post on Facebook from The MOB society prompted this question: where do you, as a mother to boys, go for some down time?  This post just hit me in a spot that had been sore for weeks... between my 7 month old boy, my 5 year old boy, my husband, my job, my own postpartum issues and my other obligations, I have been drowning.  Throw in delaying grief of my grandfather's death (because I was pregnant when he passed) and the upcoming holidays,  I have been working hard to hold the dam of the tears to keep from erupting.... but I felt that I was about to burst wide open with all the pressure I felt mounting on me.  This past Friday, I thought I was going to break with it all... as much as I love every single bit about my life, there are seasons of so much busy-ness that I just get plumb over-stimulated by all the noise and movement.  My boys seem to thrive and become more energized by it all... I just have to work not to shut-down.  So I typed a frantic text message to my mother as I sat in the parking lot of the grocery store: "How in the world did you do it all when we were little?"  By the time I got home, she had written back, "close the doors to the bedrooms and the laundry room, and get on the floor and play with them... they won't be little for long."  

And I took a deep breath after I lugged everyone and everything into the house... I put the groceries up quickly... and I got on the floor and played with my boys.  Something broke in me at that moment.  

So where do I go for some down time?  In the midst of this wonderful mess of a life?  I guess I go into that place in my heart where I sit down and count my blessings and let go of all the rest....

Part Two: "primal screams"
I guess it's no wonder that I have two boys of my own.  The majority of my caseload is boys.  But I saw a transaction between my own two that solidified what I've known in theory about boys:  My oldest (stripped down to his skivvies) looked at his little bother (who was in nothing but his diaper) and just screamed this primal scream.  Before I could say, "sshh! you are making my ears bleed!"  my baby clamped his little hands into fists and bore out this weaker version, but just as passionate primal scream.  They went back and forth with these primal screams for several exchanges... And they both laughed and squealed.  They communicated and bonded in that moment in a kind of ritual that girls don't engage in.  And I thought about how things had changed between my first born and I after I got down on the floor and played with him on Friday... changed for the better.  And I thought about what I had learned in graduate school about learning styles and strengths in boys: how they are often more kinesthetic and tactile in their play and learning styles.  And I think I actually heard the light bulb ding on over my head... physically playing more with the boys = deeper bond with mommy 

spring cleaning in the fall -or- the "Follow Me" sermon series at Christ Community

This week is the start of my fall break at work... 3 blissful weeks of not working!  So what do I do?  Spring clean like I should have in the spring.  But Brick came in the spring so I out of commission.

Today, I tackled under my bed... the more stuff I pulled out, the more memories came.  Good memories, sad memories.  Lots of movies- and the memories associated with those times.  Despite the memories and all the dust stirred up, it was good to clean out and throw some things away.

"Why am I holding on to these things?"  I thought several times.

And then I thought about the sermons of the past few weeks at Christ Community...

- a call to come and die to self

- take up our crosses and follow Jesus

- to abandon our will to His and obey

But just like the reasons I had for holding on to all these things that were under my bed, I have reasons for holding on to spiritual things...

- I don't want to be a victim again

- I am scared of the pain

- I feel like I lack the resources to do what He has asked of me

I know that the Lord is saying to me TAKE MY YOKE AND YOU WILL FIND REST (Matthew 11:29).

I know that the Lord is saying to me to LIVE FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE.

I know that He is saying DO NOT BE AFRAID... THE BATTLE IS MINE.

It seems like every day, I have to go through this pep talk... reminding myself who God IS and who I am in HIM.  So I will just keep giving myself this pep talk every day... hopefully, it will become part of my spiritual DNA soon.  And while I chide myself for having to go through this same ole talk every single day... for allowing myself to get to this place over and over again... I do celebrate the fact that the Lord is gracious and merciful towards me... even if I wait until the fall to do my spring cleaning.