So two weeks ago, I had a c-section to deliver my son, Brick. I went in for a routine visit and my blood pressure was too high. So my doctor sent me to the hospital to deliver Brick that afternoon. I'm not gonna lie... recuperating has been painful. The simplest task has proved difficult: putting socks on, sitting down, standing up... you name it...
It's the first time since my grandfather's death that I felt that I could really just grieve the fact that he is no longer on this earth. I felt that I couldn't get too emotional or cry like I needed too when I was pregnant because I didn't want to do anything to stress out the baby.
Two major life events happening in a month's time... My heart is broken and swells with happiness all at the same time.
Healing is a painful process. I think as a Christian, I was socialized to think that healing should be spontaneous and complete in one trip down to the alter. Healing CAN be spontaneous- physically or emotionally. But personally, healings have taken much longer for me. It wasn't God's fault... part of it was my own inability to embrace the pain and just FEEL what I needed to feel so that I could move on to the next steps in the grieving process. I used to get annoyed when prissy Christians tossed their cliches at me because they were uncomfortable with my raw state... now, I find it funny and even pity them a bit...
So these past few weeks have been painful for me in a number of ways... one pain, the result of my grandfather going Home... the other pain has lead to a wonderful new life. I used to be afraid of pain. But I'm not so much anymore. I'm not really sure how to end this blog entry... Life is still moving on... The second hand of the clock continues to tick... I still have to get out of bed every day and tend to my responsibilities. The entry for yesterday in "Jesus Calling" encouraged me to be thankful in all things... and I am.... truly thankful: for a grandfather who showed me what true love is and for a new son who snuggles against my neck when I hold him.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
love song
So this came out in 2006 or 2007 in a book called "Force in the Flesh." It was a collection of photos and biographies of people with Star Wars tattoos. Heath and I were lucky enough to be featured in the book... and we were the only couple to share a page. Just wanted to memorialize it here on my blog... This isn't a revelation because it's something that I've known since I met him: I am beyond blessed to have met and married Heath Williamson. We were living 350 miles apart when we met and the Lord orchestrated our meeting. He is a "Wild at Heart" kinda guy... and I kinda dig it.
Rarely do you find a marriage in which both partners share a common interest in Star Wars. Rarer still is finding a couple who love the saga enough to tattoo themselves in related imagery.. That's just what Heath and Buffy Williamson have done with their theamed Clone Wars tattoos. When the acclaimed animated Clone Wars micro-series began airing, Heath and Buffy found themselves drawn to its rich and unique animation style. Heath was particularly taken by how Yoda was portrayed and it was the strong portrayal of the female Jedi that Buffy found most appealing. By the time they were done, Heath's plan for a simple animated Yoda tattoo soon turned into an entire Clone Wars half sleeve and Buffy had images of several female Jedi tattooed on her arm. Heath is also an avid collector of Star Wars memorabilia, everything from vintage and modern action figures to prop replicas and statues. He considers his tattoos to be a unique part of his collection that he can take with him wherever he goes. Since the completion of his half sleeve, Heath has added stylistic tattoos of a Jawa and an Ewok to his tattoo collection and has plans for additional Star Wars tattoo designs. In the meantime, both he and Buffy continue to share in their love of Star Wars and more importantly, their love of each other.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
what I want my son(s) to learn
I am just days away from delivering my second son. As my church, Christ Community, has had several years of a program we affectionately call Man School, many American ideals are being challenged... and in a good way... actually, a great way. So while Heath was reading through "Wild at Heart," I just had to pick it up too. It scared me a bit, to tell the truth. But I realized a lot that I needed to make sure to do with my sons. The last thing that I want to do is have the apron string twisted around my sweet boy's neck as he struggles against us to try out his wings. I have the scissors ready to cut the apron strings when it's time...
I just read a blog about "15 things a mom should teach her son." While I agreed with half of them, I decided to make my own list of what I want my sons to know as they grow up.
1. Having a relationship with God is the most important relationship you could ever have- learn to pray, learn to listen to the Lord - you will be alright... and you will learn that I am strict with you and work so hard to make you listen to me, because if you can't listen to me (with a physical voice), you will never learn to listen to the Voice of the Lord when He speaks to you.
2. You can do anything you set your mind to do. Never listen to anyone who says you can't. Just for kicks and giggles, show them you can.... but don't be afraid of the failure that might follow - and don't NOT try something because you are too afraid to fail.
3. How to clean a house- including doing your own laundry and cleaning the toilets.
4. basic mechanic work on a car
5. how to ask for help
6. Respect- there will come a day when your are no longer required to listen to me- until that point, you have to respect the rules that I have in place... I have a good reason for the rules I lay down. And I will be happy to explain my reasoning... learn to respect others, learn to respect yourself.
7. doing drugs is stupid... hooking up with a girl before you are married is something you will regret... getting drunk in public is dangerous -- dying your hair, wearing stupid clothes, piercing your ears, even tattoos are reversible... if you do something stupid, make sure the consequences are reversible.... and go to a reputable tattoo place if you are going to do any of that...
8. don't do what everybody else is doing... blaze your own trail... dare to be different.
9. do the right thing... always.
10. don't be afraid of your feelings... God isn't... you shouldn't be either.
11. learn to play an instrument... paint a picture... listen to all genres of music -- be a little cultured.
12. travel - you can learn a lot of important adaptive and problem solving skills when you travel.
13. use some common sense... think things through before you do it and think about the consequences.
14. I know that the brain is not fully developed until one is 21 years of age... up until that point, there will be things that I don't want you to do that your friends' parents are letting them do... so when you are off my insurance, you can decide what to do with your body... up to that point, I am responsible for you and I will not face the Lord and the first thing He says to me is "why did you let that happen to him?" Refer to #6 and #7.
15. never doubt that I love you. Never. second-guess that fact.
I just read a blog about "15 things a mom should teach her son." While I agreed with half of them, I decided to make my own list of what I want my sons to know as they grow up.
1. Having a relationship with God is the most important relationship you could ever have- learn to pray, learn to listen to the Lord - you will be alright... and you will learn that I am strict with you and work so hard to make you listen to me, because if you can't listen to me (with a physical voice), you will never learn to listen to the Voice of the Lord when He speaks to you.
2. You can do anything you set your mind to do. Never listen to anyone who says you can't. Just for kicks and giggles, show them you can.... but don't be afraid of the failure that might follow - and don't NOT try something because you are too afraid to fail.
3. How to clean a house- including doing your own laundry and cleaning the toilets.
4. basic mechanic work on a car
5. how to ask for help
6. Respect- there will come a day when your are no longer required to listen to me- until that point, you have to respect the rules that I have in place... I have a good reason for the rules I lay down. And I will be happy to explain my reasoning... learn to respect others, learn to respect yourself.
7. doing drugs is stupid... hooking up with a girl before you are married is something you will regret... getting drunk in public is dangerous -- dying your hair, wearing stupid clothes, piercing your ears, even tattoos are reversible... if you do something stupid, make sure the consequences are reversible.... and go to a reputable tattoo place if you are going to do any of that...
8. don't do what everybody else is doing... blaze your own trail... dare to be different.
9. do the right thing... always.
10. don't be afraid of your feelings... God isn't... you shouldn't be either.
11. learn to play an instrument... paint a picture... listen to all genres of music -- be a little cultured.
12. travel - you can learn a lot of important adaptive and problem solving skills when you travel.
13. use some common sense... think things through before you do it and think about the consequences.
14. I know that the brain is not fully developed until one is 21 years of age... up until that point, there will be things that I don't want you to do that your friends' parents are letting them do... so when you are off my insurance, you can decide what to do with your body... up to that point, I am responsible for you and I will not face the Lord and the first thing He says to me is "why did you let that happen to him?" Refer to #6 and #7.
15. never doubt that I love you. Never. second-guess that fact.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Parenting -or- seeing God in a different light
So this is gonna be a quick one because well, this is probably gonna be more like the opening to more blogs on this topic...
Working with kids, I see a lot of different parenting styles. Now in my psychology classes in undergrad and grad school, we learned about the different parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved.
I am more of the authoritative type: we have rules, you choose to break the rules, you have to suffer the consequences. Some people may think I'm too harsh, but to them I say, come talk to me in 15 years and we'll see then... I'm really NOT that harsh and I do rely on more positive reinforcement than negative reinforcement.
As Hero is getting older and into his school-aged years, he is coming into contact with more peers who are allowed to do things that he is not allowed to do. Based on my knowledge-base and experiences, there are things that he is just not allowed to do... period... no discussion. Also he is coming into contact with peers who negotiate. And he thinks that he can negotiate with us. Ha. I just have to set that boundary... "have we met, son? I do not negotiate on these issues."
So here is my point for this particular blog now that I've set the stage: do you know how exhausting it is to not be a permissive or uninvolved parent? It is hard work. How easy would it be to let Hero do WHATEVER he wanted to do WHENEVER he wants to do it! I know that I have told Hero the same thing 50 times at least. I know that when I say, "if you do this again, you will not be allowed to do {fill-in-the-blank}", that I HAVE to be consistent and take away his privilege... or I lose my authority in the situation. Being an involved parent is so exhausting that when he goes to bed at night, I pour myself on the couch in a puddle and just re-charge for the next day.
So through this realization, I am beginning to understand what it takes for God to be an involved parent in my life... it's more work than I appreciate. When I think He is being mean or cruel because something hasn't gone my way, as a child, I do not have the perspective of understanding all the forethought that's going into His decisions towards me. Or the boundaries He has set for me.
This realization is taking me down another rabbit hole of understanding His grace and love for me.
Friday, February 10, 2012
requiem
I cannot imagine what this world will be like without him. I cannot imagine how the hole in my heart will ever heal up. I cannot imagine not hearing him laugh again.
Asa Emmanuel Rogers. His mother gave him an impressive name without an impressive beginning. He recounted his story to us a thousand times: he was forced to leave school in eighth grade to work to provide for his family... he went into the Air Force when he was the right age to enlist... he met my grandmother Frankie at the Coney Island Cafe in Hattiesburg... they married... they had my mom Lizz, my aunt Susie and my uncle Martin. Then they married and me, my brother and my cousins came after. Hero, Lily Kate, and Baby Williamson expanded and will expand the family circle further.
The Lord cut this man from some tough material. He always had his own opinion of how things should be and how he wanted them to be (and what is exactly wrong with that?). And yet, he still supported us if our own decisions countered his opinion. He supported us when we were up and he supported us when we were down. He always had a strong sense of propriety and boundaries. He taught us how to be our own person and to not apologize for our own peculiarities. To embrace our individualism and yet be a part of our family. To always do the right thing. To always fight for injustice. To always stay true to our beliefs.
As we have been going through these past few weeks, I have had to come to grips that I have not been able to travel back to Hattiesburg because of my pregnancy... so the last physical visit I had with him was at Thanksgiving. It has been difficult for me not to be physically with my family... but as I was fighting a sense of guilt about it all, words from a mentor came back to me when I was grieving a loss 5 years ago-- and I realize that staying here in Phenix City was taking care of my unborn child... and doing so would bring him more honor than my traveling and putting myself and my unborn child in distress. I express my grief through these words and I will express honor by continuing to be the kind of person that he is proud of.
I was driving to work Thursday morning as tears fell down my face, I heard the Lord speak to my heart and say, "He will be with Me in Heaven but a bit of him is in you." And I realized that he has indeed left a legacy... that not only has he left the physical traits in his children and me, my brother and my cousins, but even in Lily Kate and Hero... and I will see bits of him in this one yet to be born... In our tenacity and strength, in our stubbornness, in our strong sense of propriety... all of these things, we will continue to live out and teach in our children.
As the oldest grandchild, I say to my brother and cousins, we have Asa's DNA, his chromosomes... he set a strong legacy for us to be successful and to make a difference in this world... we grieve for this time, but we do not grieve like those who have no hope... for not only do we know that we will see him one day again when we ourselves hit those pearly gates, but we see him each time we look in the mirror.
May the Lord God continue to be merciful to us and protect us during these grieving days...
--Jennifer "Buffy" Crosby Williamson
Asa Emmanuel Rogers. His mother gave him an impressive name without an impressive beginning. He recounted his story to us a thousand times: he was forced to leave school in eighth grade to work to provide for his family... he went into the Air Force when he was the right age to enlist... he met my grandmother Frankie at the Coney Island Cafe in Hattiesburg... they married... they had my mom Lizz, my aunt Susie and my uncle Martin. Then they married and me, my brother and my cousins came after. Hero, Lily Kate, and Baby Williamson expanded and will expand the family circle further.
The Lord cut this man from some tough material. He always had his own opinion of how things should be and how he wanted them to be (and what is exactly wrong with that?). And yet, he still supported us if our own decisions countered his opinion. He supported us when we were up and he supported us when we were down. He always had a strong sense of propriety and boundaries. He taught us how to be our own person and to not apologize for our own peculiarities. To embrace our individualism and yet be a part of our family. To always do the right thing. To always fight for injustice. To always stay true to our beliefs.
As we have been going through these past few weeks, I have had to come to grips that I have not been able to travel back to Hattiesburg because of my pregnancy... so the last physical visit I had with him was at Thanksgiving. It has been difficult for me not to be physically with my family... but as I was fighting a sense of guilt about it all, words from a mentor came back to me when I was grieving a loss 5 years ago-- and I realize that staying here in Phenix City was taking care of my unborn child... and doing so would bring him more honor than my traveling and putting myself and my unborn child in distress. I express my grief through these words and I will express honor by continuing to be the kind of person that he is proud of.
I was driving to work Thursday morning as tears fell down my face, I heard the Lord speak to my heart and say, "He will be with Me in Heaven but a bit of him is in you." And I realized that he has indeed left a legacy... that not only has he left the physical traits in his children and me, my brother and my cousins, but even in Lily Kate and Hero... and I will see bits of him in this one yet to be born... In our tenacity and strength, in our stubbornness, in our strong sense of propriety... all of these things, we will continue to live out and teach in our children.
As the oldest grandchild, I say to my brother and cousins, we have Asa's DNA, his chromosomes... he set a strong legacy for us to be successful and to make a difference in this world... we grieve for this time, but we do not grieve like those who have no hope... for not only do we know that we will see him one day again when we ourselves hit those pearly gates, but we see him each time we look in the mirror.
May the Lord God continue to be merciful to us and protect us during these grieving days...
--Jennifer "Buffy" Crosby Williamson
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Random in the Rain
So life is ebbing and flowing. It's raining today and has been for a few days it seems.
My grandfather is very ill and I cannot visit him.
I am two months away from my due date with my second child. I have a ton to do, but it is getting done bit by bit.
I felt so honored to hold Jay and Kaci's son today for the first time... he is so precious and such a testament of God's goodness.
This morning, my son, Hero (4 years old) made a profound statement as we were getting ready for church-- he said, "I'm a man, mommy!" And preceded to ask for some deodorant and mousse for his hair... he protested when I got out to pump gas for the car-- "no, mommy! I wanna do it!" So I got him started on the pump and he held the nozzle down with both hands. It reminded me of a devotional that I read shortly after his birth-- it stated that as parents we are not raising children-- we are raising men and women of God. Even though reading "Wild at Heart" scared me to death, it was an important read in my journey as a mother to a son. Hero will always be my son... that is my relationship to him... but he won't always be a child. One day he will be a man. He will need me to look at him and confirm his capability to manage his own life. I find too many children unable to manage very age-appropriate tasks because of a variety of reasons... but mostly because they are enabled to be little vegetables... told to be quiet and watch t.v. No one engages them in conversation or play. It's sad.
Anything else random that I had in my head just flew out of it... my brain is overcome with hormones and tunnel-vision.
My grandfather is very ill and I cannot visit him.
I am two months away from my due date with my second child. I have a ton to do, but it is getting done bit by bit.
I felt so honored to hold Jay and Kaci's son today for the first time... he is so precious and such a testament of God's goodness.
This morning, my son, Hero (4 years old) made a profound statement as we were getting ready for church-- he said, "I'm a man, mommy!" And preceded to ask for some deodorant and mousse for his hair... he protested when I got out to pump gas for the car-- "no, mommy! I wanna do it!" So I got him started on the pump and he held the nozzle down with both hands. It reminded me of a devotional that I read shortly after his birth-- it stated that as parents we are not raising children-- we are raising men and women of God. Even though reading "Wild at Heart" scared me to death, it was an important read in my journey as a mother to a son. Hero will always be my son... that is my relationship to him... but he won't always be a child. One day he will be a man. He will need me to look at him and confirm his capability to manage his own life. I find too many children unable to manage very age-appropriate tasks because of a variety of reasons... but mostly because they are enabled to be little vegetables... told to be quiet and watch t.v. No one engages them in conversation or play. It's sad.
Anything else random that I had in my head just flew out of it... my brain is overcome with hormones and tunnel-vision.
Friday, January 6, 2012
*testing*
so I tried a new recipe and I'm trying pinning it to Pintrest to see how it goes.... I was jonsing for the cream cheese danishes from Starbucks the other day and decided to make some at home... they were eaten rather quickly.... :)
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