orlando: two conversations in one post

I am really nervous to put this out into the universe. I am gonna sound really ignorant and probably hypcritical- but that's a risk I am going to take... 

for my sons' sake...

because there are some dialogues I need to be ready for as I send them out into the world.

When I was a kid, I felt sheilded from the news... I knew the Cold War was happening but I never knew all the other stuff... because we did not have the internet. Now I have to be really careful what my boys see and hear... we get all the news and all the details all the time.

When the Brock Turner news was hittin', it was easy to say what was wrong in that situation.

And when the news hit about the massacre in Orlando, it was easy for me to say what was wrong in this situation. (in case you are confused-all of it-all of it is wrong) 

Even when you found out it was a hate crime against people who are gay, Buffy? aren't you a Christian, Buffy? 

Yes- it's all wrong. Murder is wrong. 

So at this point of the dialogue in my head, it splits into a conversation with the world and a conversation with my community of Christian believers (I mean like my own personal church and my personal friends)-and it goes like this:

Church family, did you know there's this whole other disinfranchized group- there's a lot of different names for this group and I don't even know the one they prefer: Gay? Lesbian? LGBT? I feel so stupid. I had no idea. They are scared. And they have families who are hurting. And this group has some pretty big Church wounds and Lord, I hope I never inflicted. [I think we as Christians have two immediate action steps: apply the "don't"s of the Bible to ourselves and apply the "do"s of the Bible to the world-We've got enough issues to fill one hundred years of Sundays instead of wasting time pointing fingers (p.s. it's not working)].

To the world, I had no idea that those of you who are a part of the LGBT community hurt so bad. And I understand if you don't accept my apology- and I understand if you don't care that I have sat on my couch and cried over the news out of Orlando. It's horrific. I honestly don't have adjectives to describe this. 

To my sons: I will never condone your hurting another person- physically or other wise. Ever. Even when you disagree with him/her.

To those of you reading: either you think I am spot on or a complete fool. I get that. But I've got to work this out for myself. Like my religion 201 professor stated at the start of our course: "this is not the time or place to talk about who's right and who is wrong..." at this moment I don't want to talk about whose theology is right and who's wrong... people are hurting- we as Christians should respond in love.

abide -

I'm not gonna lie.

I have been stretched and pulled and challenged more these past 10 months in ways that I have never been stretched and pulled and challenged before.

Being a working mom has its special set of challenges.
And I won't get into a mommy war over the comments I make here.
Being a parent- mom or dad- an involved parent- takes time and energy- whether you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom... and each situation has a different set of challenges. I won't begin to guess at the challenges of staying at home day in and out because I am in a unique position of doing both: I work at the school district so I do get summer off. And I love it all.

If anything, I am battle worn- which happens a lot since I am an introvert and really get my energy from having alone time. And I am in some new territory.

I am going from a household of young children and infants to school-aged children and a toddler.

I am realizing that what's mistaken for the wish to keep my children young is really fear of the unknown. Fear that they are out of my reach. Fear that I can't control what people say to them. Fear that they will make the wrong choices.

I worry a lot about a lot of things. My prayers are pretty much my worries.
And the Lord is gracious to hear my prayers.

Recently, the word "abide" came to me several times in a day- from Facebook memes to conversations- this verse specifically-  John 15:5 Jesus says, "I am the vine, you are the branches- he who abides in me and I in him, bears much fruit- for apart from Me, you can do nothing" (NASB)

The word ABIDE struck me. So I looked up the definition: to stay or continue; to remain."

This brought to mind another verse: Psalm 46:5 "God is within her- she will not fail."

Strong words. A strong promise.

I just watched the Rogue One trailer again because I am such a Star Wars nerd... and a clip at the end struck me.... "if you continue to fight, what will you become?"
That could be taken a lot of ways - if you keep fighting, will you be come hard? Will you become what you are fighting?
Or will I become what I'm meant to be?
I'm staring at the blinking cursor waiting for an answer- I know that what I'm meant to be is in God's hands- and all I have is this moment- this moment of decision-

Will I keep fighting the Good Fight? Am I afraid of what people will think of me? Of what the fight will cost me?

Maybe.

But what will I miss out on if I don't fight?
again, you stupid blinking cursor, waiting for me to answer... I. don't. know.

But He does.
And I can rest in that.
I can rest in knowing I dedicated my sons to Him in a ceremony at the church when they were each three months old.

We. are. His.

Abide.

mother's day prayer

these children don't know it's Mother's Day and they're actin' up! lol! oh well- 

the fall of us all is the picture in our head of how things are SUPPOSED to be! 

so: here's to the messes, the detours, the sleepless nights, the lost figure, the achy backs, the defiance, the losses, the gains, the smiles, the laughter and the kisses-  

Lord, give me the stength to be Momma to this frat club You gave me- Let me be worthy of this call- Go before me and stay behind me to clean up the mess I make with them- Protect them when I'm not with them- Let them know You as they grow. Amen.

"so we meet again" -or- inside out

The biggest challenge of being a mom is keeping my feelings bottled up because there's so much to do in this season of my life... I've started and stopped writing this a few times to pull Mr. 2 year old off the counter.

If you know me, you know Mother's Day is a mixture of celebration and grieving. 

but Grief is a trickster. She comes out of no where and at such unexpected times. There are some of life's circumstances that cause pain but not much damage.

Then there are events that not only destroy the trajectory of your life but damage the very fabric of who you are. 

I can't explain why I even think about it- I can't help it coming to mind. I'd really rather I just never think about it again. But there it is- two tragic events staining a hallmark holiday. And as I think of my own pain, I remember others: single moms, moms who gave their children to others through adoption, the empty nester, the mom whose baby is in Heaven, the woman who could not conceive, the woman who has a broken relationship with her child... 

Being a Mom is mostly about the struggle- wrestling with my own insecurities and faults and failures. 

This isn't easy: celebrating and grieving at the same time- but it's do-able. And it's okay.

You know you are alive because you feel-- I don't know who coined that but I keep thinking this.

Also, the word ABIDE keeps coming to mind... just staying close to Jesus and praying He takes these struggles and is able to spin a story of His grace and love and of hope and redemption. In all the areas of my life.

So, I celebrate with those who celebrate and I see you who mourn with me this Sunday. 

We got this because He's got this.

Jesus flippin' tables -or- spring cleaning -or- why do i have to go to church

Sunday, I was with the kids during the church service and I fought tears through the story of Jesus' entry into Jerusalem on a donkey and everyone crying "Hosanna! Hosanna!" (I love that story!).

Even though I missed the sermon, I caught a summary of it and that it was based on John 2:13-22 -- one of my favorite Bible passages where Jesus flipped tables at the temple.  That story makes me wanna high-five the person next to me and yell "YEEEE-UH!!!! Jesus takin' care of business!!!"

But the summation of Sunday's sermon was more about how the temple for us now is our temple- our spiritual house- and that Jesus wants to clean that house and what would He find if He came in and pulled up the cushions... I didn't actually HEAR the sermon, but this was what I was catching was the gist of it.... anyhoo...

So my husband took my two oldest for an outing and the youngest is napping and I'm taking full advantage of an EMPTY HOUSE TO CLEAN IT...  SPRING CLEAN IT... DEEP CLEAN IT...

So the couch came from the wall... uhm, YUK... all the trash and toys underneath it... pure embarrassing...

Then the cushions came off the other couch... more of the same... and then I found that some of the fabric had come away from the back... and there was MORE TRASH AND TOYS...

I flipped the couch... and ALL.THE.TRASH... dear Lord, forgive me for letting my house get so gross!  But remember, last year, when I was SO sick and I was misdiagnosed and I couldn't change the babies diapers without my hands BLEEDING!  I could not clean properly last year either... DEAR JESUS!

But when I flipped the couch, I thought about this passage and how Jesus wants to clean the cobwebs of my heart... how He wants me to be functional and healthy spiritually speaking...

I mean, you know what happens if you don't properly clean your house: YOU GET SICK. The dust. The mold. The germs. All piled up. All on top of you. And on the ones you live with.

And this just made me finally realize the answer that some of you put to me from time to time:
WHY DO I NEED TO GO TO CHURCH?

Well, church is a good time to clean your spiritual house- can this be done at your home? yes.

But I gotta be honest: I get distracted at my house. Going to church REQUIRES ME to stop and assess my spiritual life.

It's like how I keep data on every kid for every speech therapy session: I do that so I can assess his progress and make plans for the next session- do we need to review some skills? can we go to the next level?

So anyway: this Sunday is Easter. It's a good time to hit the reset button. Don't let the enemy keep you from something new, something fresh, something amazing because of whatever- fill in the blank...

I pray that we all find His love in the story of His resurrection and hope for today and strength for the future...

if you could only see the way he loves me

valentine's day 1999.

I was a junior in college.

The only "real" boyfriend I ever had broke up with me months before.

He had told me that he wanted to marry me.

I bought in to his "I love you"-s and talk of marriage.

He was a good guy- just not the right one for me.

I always felt that we were in our first date- tense and guarded. I could never relax around him- I wanted so much for him to love me.

After all those months of being single again, I was okay being alone and was prepped that being alone was all I'd ever be. I was okay with that.

But Valentine's Day-- February 14 got a bad rap. It didn't want to be Valentine's Day anymore than I wanted to sit in class and listen to the girls talk about their dates that night.

It was early and I was driving to the university. I had to take a different route to school because I used to pass him on the road each morning. I was careful to take the new route that day.

I was listening to Tonic. And I was praying for God to help me through the day. "If you could only see" came on. And it was like God was singing it to me.

I had struggled for so long accepting God's love for me and in that moment, I got it- that He thought I was beautiful and He loved me. Just because. No good reason.

I thought about His death on the Cross. He did that for me. Who would die for someone He didn't love and find lovely?

imperfect