Parenting -or- seeing God in a different light

So this is gonna be a quick one because well, this is probably gonna be more like the opening to more blogs on this topic...

Working with kids, I see a lot of different parenting styles.  Now in my psychology classes in undergrad and grad school, we learned about the different parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved.  

I am more of the authoritative type: we have rules, you choose to break the rules, you have to suffer the consequences.  Some people may think I'm too harsh, but to them I say, come talk to me in 15 years and we'll see then...  I'm really NOT that harsh and I do rely on more positive reinforcement than negative reinforcement.

As Hero is getting older and into his school-aged years, he is coming into contact with more peers who are allowed to do things that he is not allowed to do.  Based on my knowledge-base and experiences, there are things that he is just not allowed to do... period... no discussion.  Also he is coming into contact with peers who negotiate.  And he thinks that he can negotiate with us.  Ha.  I just have to set that boundary... "have we met, son?  I do not negotiate on these issues."  

So here is my point for this particular blog now that I've set the stage:  do you know how exhausting it is to not be a permissive or uninvolved parent?  It is hard work.  How easy would it be to let Hero do WHATEVER he wanted to do WHENEVER he wants to do it!  I know that I have told Hero the same thing 50 times at least.  I know that when I say, "if you do this again, you will not be allowed to do {fill-in-the-blank}", that I HAVE to be consistent and take away his privilege... or I lose my authority in the situation.  Being an involved parent is so exhausting that when he goes to bed at night, I pour myself on the couch in a puddle and just re-charge for the next day.

So through this realization, I am beginning to understand what it takes for God to be an involved parent in my life... it's more work than I appreciate.  When I think He is being mean or cruel because something hasn't gone my way, as a child, I do not have the perspective of understanding all the forethought that's going into His decisions towards me.  Or the boundaries He has set for me.  

This realization is taking me down another rabbit hole of understanding His grace and love for me.  

requiem

I cannot imagine what this world will be like without him.  I cannot imagine how the hole in my heart will ever heal up.  I cannot imagine not hearing him laugh again.

Asa Emmanuel Rogers.  His mother gave him an impressive name without an impressive beginning.  He recounted his story to us a thousand times: he was forced to leave school in eighth grade to work to provide for his family... he went into the Air Force when he was the right age to enlist... he met my grandmother Frankie at the Coney Island Cafe in Hattiesburg... they married... they had my mom Lizz, my aunt Susie and my uncle Martin.  Then they married and me, my brother and my cousins came after.  Hero, Lily Kate, and Baby Williamson expanded and will expand the family circle further. 

The Lord cut this man from some tough material.  He always had his own opinion of how things should be and how he wanted them to be (and what is exactly wrong with that?).  And yet, he still supported us if our own decisions countered his opinion.  He supported us when we were up and he supported us when we were down.  He always had a strong sense of propriety and boundaries.  He taught us how to be our own person and to not apologize for our own peculiarities.  To embrace our individualism and yet be a part of our family.  To always do the right thing.  To always fight for injustice.  To always stay true to our beliefs.

As we have been going through these past few weeks, I have had to come to grips that I have not been able to travel back to Hattiesburg because of my pregnancy... so the last physical visit I had with him was at Thanksgiving.  It has been difficult for me not to be physically with my family... but as I was fighting a sense of guilt about it all, words from a mentor came back to me when I was grieving a loss 5 years ago-- and I realize that staying here in Phenix City was taking care of my unborn child... and doing so would bring him more honor than my traveling and putting myself and my unborn child in distress.  I express my grief through these words and I will express honor by continuing to be the kind of person that he is proud of.

I was driving to work Thursday morning as tears fell down my face, I heard the Lord speak to my heart and say, "He will be with Me in Heaven but a bit of him is in you." And I realized that he has indeed left a legacy... that not only has he left the physical traits in his children and me, my brother and my cousins, but even in Lily Kate and Hero... and I will see bits of him in this one yet to be born...  In our tenacity and strength, in our stubbornness, in our strong sense of propriety... all of these things, we will continue to live out and teach in our children.

As the oldest grandchild, I say to my brother and cousins, we have Asa's DNA, his chromosomes... he set a strong legacy for us to be successful and to make a difference in this world... we grieve for this time, but we do not grieve like those who have no hope... for not only do we know that we will see him one day again when we ourselves hit those pearly gates, but we see him each time we look in the mirror.

May the Lord God continue to be merciful to us and protect us during these grieving days...

--Jennifer "Buffy" Crosby Williamson

Random in the Rain

So life is ebbing and flowing.  It's raining today and has been for a few days it seems. 

My grandfather is very ill and I cannot visit him.

I am two months away from my due date with my second child.  I have a ton to do, but it is getting done bit by bit.

I felt so honored to hold Jay and Kaci's son today for the first time... he is so precious and such a testament of God's goodness.

This morning, my son, Hero (4 years old) made a profound statement as we were getting ready for church-- he said, "I'm a man, mommy!"  And preceded to ask for some deodorant and mousse for his hair... he protested when I got out to pump gas for the car-- "no, mommy!  I wanna do it!"  So I got him started on the pump and he held the nozzle down with both hands.  It reminded me of a devotional that I read shortly after his birth-- it stated that as parents we are not raising children-- we are raising men and women of God.  Even though reading "Wild at Heart" scared me to death, it was an important read in my journey as a mother to a son.  Hero will always be my son... that is my relationship to him... but he won't always be a child.  One day he will be a man.  He will need me to look at him and confirm his capability to manage his own life.  I find too many children unable to manage very age-appropriate tasks because of a variety of reasons... but mostly because they are enabled to be little vegetables... told to be quiet and watch t.v.  No one engages them in conversation or play.  It's sad.

Anything else random that I had in my head just flew out of it... my brain is overcome with hormones and tunnel-vision.

*testing*

so I tried a new recipe and I'm trying pinning it to Pintrest to see how it goes.... I was jonsing for the cream cheese danishes from Starbucks the other day and decided to make some at home... they were eaten rather quickly.... :)

Year in Review: 2011

2011 has been an interesting year for us:  I've never felt my faith so tested and shaped before... never before have I felt that so much that I've been learning has finally made it to my spiritual DNA...  never before have I ever felt the enemy aggravating me and poking at me...  2011 started out at Christ Community with a declaration: we were breaking through our own curses and issues and breaking out of our church walls to make Kingdom changes.  Heath and I looked at each other during those first few sermons: yeah, this is what we wanted for ourselves and for our child.  But we had (and have) a bit of work to do.  The enemy has been on our heels to keep us bound by the issues and thought processes that have kept us down for so long- the fear, poor self-esteem, lack of resources, etc...  2011 has been a year of fighting- fighting against the American "dream" (more like nightmare), fighting against what others think we should do and think and feel, fighting against ourselves and our past... 

Of course, I am not saying that I've got it all together at this point.  I wish that I could be quicker to get off of a mental hamster-wheel when people hurt me... I wish that when people do hurt me that I could be quicker to allow them back in to my life.  I am working to pray for these people instead of avoiding them-- which is what I want to do... I am also currently 28 weeks pregnant and have had to fight against all kinds of fear due to my past and present- and it's been kind of amazing at how people do not understand or give me the grace that I require to get through these 9 months.  Many times after a church service, I think, can I just set up a tent over there in the corner of the fish bowl and live here for a while so I don't have to take these darts and stings for a bit?  So that's hard-- just honestly, hard when people look at me like I have 3 heads instead of just letting me get in a good space in my head and stay there so I am not wracked with fear for 40 long weeks.  I don't know how many "where's your faith?" comments I got... uhm, apparently we have a different definition of "faith."

I'm not proud of these things... but I know that there are others out there struggling with these kinds of issues... it's just where I'm at... and I'm asking for the grace to get through these next few weeks until baby's due date.  2011 has been a year of introspection- of realizing what I'm ready to work on and let go of- of realizing why I am the way I am- and of being okay with that until I am ready to peel back another layer of my own insecurities and deal with the issues underneath- or until the Lord sees that I'm ready. 

As far as ministry goes, my husband continues to work on his "Heath and the Checker Shoe Band" ministry.  From the puppet team and music to the television show, he's been really busy and I've been amazed at what the Lord has created through him.  This is a note from Heath:  The year is coming to an end and I wish I had a blog right now to write down everything that happened. Here is the short list. Recorded a 10 song cd and made 10 music videos for it, then made 10 episodes of the Checker Shoe Band Show. Then went on to record a 15 song cd of kids standards and 13 music videos for that, and another 2 episodes of season 2 of the checker shoe band show. plus recorded 5 new songs for the Christmas album. not too mention the other 3 songs I have in the can for the next next album. So that is a total of 33 new songs recorded. This has been a breakthrough year for me for sure, the most artistic ever.

so 2011 has been a banner year for us in a lot of different ways.  And I'm not ashamed of standing up for what I need in order to get through this season of my life.  I continue to see that the American culture is so twisted and cruel.  But all I can control is me... and I would love to change some things in me and I pray that the Lord will continue to change those things in me.


What are my plans for 2012?  Well, how about I share my hopes instead?  I hate making resolutions or saying that I AM going to do something, and not be able to follow through with them... so here are my hopes and prayers:
1) I hope that baby boy arrives healthy and that my body has no complications from the c-section... and I pray that Hero receives the change with understanding and happiness.
2) I hope that the Lord continues to grow The Checker Shoe Band ministry however He chooses.
3) I hope to get healthier in my body and start an exercise routine after March.  
4) I hope that our household continues to get healthier: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. 


And I hope that 2012 is an amazing year for all of us as we continue to seek the Lord and become more free from the chains of this world.  Words can never express how thankful I am that the Lord brought us to Christ Community in 2001!  Happy 2012!

The Santa Complex

So I've got this new theory... and it's totally unfounded... and something that I'm just starting to formulate, but here it is: I call it "The Santa Complex."

Too many times over this holiday, I have heard other adults tell my child, or I have said myself "you better behave, Santa's watching you."  It struck me yesterday afternoon as I said this again to my son as he was misbehaving.  I started thinking about the child who remarked to me, "I'm gonna be good because I want Santa to come visit me."

I mean, the idea is good, after all, and based on positive reinforcement which I use with every kid that I come in contact with.  You do something good... you get a prize...

But there was a time in my life where I knew that I did and said all the right things and yet, bad things happened to me.  I couldn't get my head wrapped around it.  The theology of it all didn't make sense.  Grace and mercy were preached to me and yet, we all expected life to be easy-breezy if we followed the 10 Commandments.

Is the reason that we all struggle with our negative feelings and say out loud, "I know that I shouldn't feel this way" is because we have The Santa Complex?  That if we feel or think one little bitty thing out of line that "Santa won't come to see us", in a sense?  That Jesus will abandon us if we feel feelings that are natural and even appropriate for a bad situation?

I'm not encouraging us to wallow in our pain or issues (nor am I talking about our sins that we have to suffer the consequences of)... but I am saying that I've come to a point in my life where I realize that I wasted a lot of time ignoring negative emotions when I could have just processed them and moved on.

I am just wondering if we, as Christians, shoot ourselves in the foot by perpetuating the myth about Santa... even as adults, do we cling to the idea that life is supposed to be without trouble and pain because we "do the right thing?"


I have no real resolution to this issue... because I still feel guilty about feeling sad or angry or hurt over situations from time to time.  I am currently overwhelmed about this phase of my life and then I feel guilty because I'm overwhelmed with a lot of good stuff... how crazy does that sound?  (don't answer that)


BUT despite my shortcomings, I know that God loves me very much and that He is very near to me during this time of my life and that He will take care of all that I cannot take care of.


Merry Christmas to you all! 

setting boundaries is not a sin -or- a few of my favorite things

so follow me down this rabbit hole... the past 24 hours has been filled with people just spouting off at me... evidently, there are people that I run across who are in a pressure cooker and like to blow up.  I'm happy to say that I am at a point in my life where those things no longer bother me like they used to... yes, I do perseverate on those events for a bit, but not like I used to.  Lately, I found myself feeling sorry for those people and wishing that we could all be happy and grasp God's love for us.  And I thought, Okay, no more analyzing your own response, Buffy, to see if you could have done anything different... those people wanted to pop off and there is nothing you can do to change their behavior... boundaries are important and setting them is not a sin (yes, I talk to myself quite a big... but it's mostly pep talks).

And don't ask me why, but as I thought about these things on my way home from school, I crossed the bridge from Georgia into Alabama.  And when I saw the Christmas decorations in Phenix City, for some reason, I thought about that song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music and how it's funny that that is sometimes classified as a Christmas song...  And I thought, Yes!  I will think about all the good things in life!  And not dwell on the sour events of the day! 

Then, I thought, what a great topic for my blog: a few of my favorite things!  So in no particular order (and I will probably have to do a part 2)- These are a few of my favorite things!
1.  chips and salsa from El Vaquero - and a bowl of cheese dip just for fun (its #1 just because I am thinking about going to get some)
2.  my brita water bottle : saves me a ton of money on bottled water because the filter is in the nozzle - http://www.brita.com/products/filtering-bottle/brita-bottle/
3. Star Wars - mostly the original trilogy stuff... Anakin and Padme just get on my nerves
4. music- I love to sing: it makes me feel better.  I don't know what part of the brain gets activated when I sing, but it must be my happy zone.
5. my Nook- it's pretty slick
6. a good pair of shoes
7. Perrier water
8. Footique in Columbus, GA... such a lovely nail salon http://footique.com/
9. Sunday's: it's where I get my hair cut... and it smells like willow bark
10. my Liquid Gold Face Rejuvenating Serum From Southern Belle Soap out of Warm Springs, GA and the Calendula soap they make: http://sbsoap.com/shopping/index.php  It's a goat farm out in Warm Springs and they make all these different kinds of lovely soaps out there.  The Liquid Gold is wonderful too!

Okay so that's the short list and TOTALLY not exclusive... I will probably come back to this topic because it's fun to think about lovely things... and forget about all the sour people out there.