there's pain in the healing

So two weeks ago, I had a c-section to deliver my son, Brick.  I went in for a routine visit and my blood pressure was too high.  So my doctor sent me to the hospital to deliver Brick that afternoon.  I'm not gonna lie... recuperating has been painful.  The simplest task has proved difficult: putting socks on, sitting down, standing up... you name it...

It's the first time since my grandfather's death that I felt that I could really just grieve the fact that he is no longer on this earth.  I felt that I couldn't get too emotional or cry like I needed too when I was pregnant because I didn't want to do anything to stress out the baby.

Two major life events happening in a month's time... My heart is broken and swells with happiness all at the same time.

Healing is a painful process.  I think as a Christian, I was socialized to think that healing should be spontaneous and complete in one trip down to the alter.  Healing CAN be spontaneous- physically or emotionally.  But personally, healings have taken much longer for me.  It wasn't God's fault... part of it was my own inability to embrace the pain and just FEEL what I needed to feel so that I could move on to the next steps in the grieving process.  I used to get annoyed when prissy Christians tossed their cliches at me because they were uncomfortable with my raw state... now, I find it funny and even pity them a bit...

So these past few weeks have been painful for me in a number of ways... one pain, the result of my grandfather going Home... the other pain has lead to a wonderful new life.  I used to be afraid of pain.  But I'm not so much anymore.  I'm not really sure how to end this blog entry... Life is still moving on... The second hand of the clock continues to tick... I still have to get out of bed every day and tend to my responsibilities.   The entry for yesterday in "Jesus Calling"  encouraged me to be thankful in all things... and I am.... truly thankful: for a grandfather who showed me what true love is and for a new son who snuggles against my neck when I hold him.

love song

So this came out in 2006 or 2007 in a book called "Force in the Flesh."  It was a collection of photos and biographies of people with Star Wars tattoos.  Heath and I were lucky enough to be featured in the book... and we were the only couple to share a page.  Just wanted to memorialize it here on my blog...  This isn't a revelation because it's something that I've known since I met him:  I am beyond blessed to have met and married Heath Williamson.  We were living 350 miles apart when we met and the Lord orchestrated our meeting.  He is a "Wild at Heart" kinda guy... and I kinda dig it.

From Force in the Flesh by Shane Turgoen: 
Rarely do you find a marriage in which both partners share a common interest in Star Wars. Rarer still is finding a couple who love the saga enough to tattoo themselves in related imagery.. That's just what Heath and Buffy Williamson have done with their theamed Clone Wars tattoos. When the acclaimed animated Clone Wars micro-series began airing, Heath and Buffy found themselves drawn to its rich and unique animation style. Heath was particularly taken by how Yoda was portrayed and it was the strong portrayal of the female Jedi that Buffy found most appealing. By the time they were done, Heath's plan for a simple animated Yoda tattoo soon turned into an entire Clone Wars half sleeve and Buffy had images of several female Jedi tattooed on her arm. Heath is also an avid collector of Star Wars memorabilia, everything from vintage and modern action figures to prop replicas and statues. He considers his tattoos to be a unique part of his collection that he can take with him wherever he goes. Since the completion of his half sleeve, Heath has added stylistic tattoos of a Jawa and an Ewok to his tattoo collection and has plans for additional Star Wars tattoo designs. In the meantime, both he and Buffy continue to share in their love of Star Wars and more importantly, their love of each other.

what I want my son(s) to learn

I am just days away from delivering my second son.  As my church, Christ Community, has had several years of a program we affectionately call Man School, many American ideals are being challenged... and in a good way... actually, a great way.  So while Heath was reading through "Wild at Heart," I just had to pick it up too.  It scared me a bit, to tell the truth.  But I realized a lot that I needed to make sure to do with my sons.  The last thing that I want to do is have the apron string twisted around my sweet boy's neck as he struggles against us to try out his wings.  I have the scissors ready to cut the apron strings when it's time...

I just read a blog about "15 things a mom should teach her son."  While I agreed with half of them, I decided to make my own list of what I want my sons to know as they grow up.

1.  Having a relationship with God is the most important relationship you could ever have- learn to pray, learn to listen to the Lord - you will be alright... and you will learn that I am strict with you and work so hard to make you listen to me, because if you can't listen to me (with a physical voice), you will never learn to listen to the Voice of the Lord when He speaks to you.

2.  You can do anything you set your mind to do.  Never listen to anyone who says you can't.  Just for kicks and giggles, show them you can.... but don't be afraid of the failure that might follow - and don't NOT try something because you are too afraid to fail.

3.  How to clean a house- including doing your own laundry and cleaning the toilets.

4.  basic mechanic work on a car

5.  how to ask for help

6.  Respect- there will come a day when your are no longer required to listen to me- until that point, you have to respect the rules that I have in place... I have a good reason for the rules I lay down.  And I will be happy to explain my reasoning... learn to respect others, learn to respect yourself.

7.  doing drugs is stupid... hooking up with a girl before you are married is something you will regret... getting drunk in public is dangerous -- dying your hair, wearing stupid clothes, piercing your ears, even tattoos are reversible... if you do something stupid, make sure the consequences are reversible.... and go to a reputable tattoo place if you are going to do any of that...

8.  don't do what everybody else is doing... blaze your own trail... dare to be different.

9.  do the right thing... always.

10.  don't be afraid of your feelings... God isn't... you shouldn't be either.

11. learn to play an instrument... paint a picture... listen to all genres of music -- be a little cultured.

12.  travel - you can learn a lot of important adaptive and problem solving skills when you travel.

13.  use some common sense... think things through before you do it and think about the consequences.

14.  I know that the brain is not fully developed until one is 21 years of age... up until that point, there will be things that I don't want you to do that your friends' parents are letting them do... so when you are off my insurance, you can decide what to do with your body... up to that point, I am responsible for you and I will not face the Lord and the first thing He says to me is "why did you let that happen to him?"  Refer to #6 and #7.

15.  never doubt that I love you.  Never.  second-guess that fact.