Wednesday, December 19, 2018

the waiting -or- advent 2018


Advent 2018 is upon us. I’m not feelin’ it this Christmas. I’m just sayin’. There is so much around me tryin’ to get my focus. And I’m exhausted.

This fall found us receiving a diagnosis of ADHD for our youngest child and him attending a special education PK class. So yeah, I work with special needs kids, but it’s been a new experience with my biological child having special needs. I’ve felt all the feelings. And I’ve been grieving some. “But it could be worse,” some of you might say. True. But this is what I’m feeling. And the events of this fall leading up to here have been somewhat traumatic.

So. I just read a devotional from Henri Nouwen about Mary and Elizabeth seeing each other when Mary comes to visit while she’s pregnant with Jesus. And the waiting of pregnancy.

Pregnancy is often referred to when waiting is mentioned in the Bible. I’ve been pregnant four times. Every time I go to the doctor and fill out paperwork, I have to write down that I’ve been pregnant four times and one ended in miscarriage.

As I read that devotional this morning, I thought about my pregnancy experiences. And how I knew within a few weeks that I was pregnant. At around 7 weeks, technology was able to reveal the heart beat and a grainy image of the baby in utero. Around 20 weeks, we have an anatomical scan to rule out problems and discover the baby’s gender. With Hank, the 20 week ultrasound set off so many alarms that never came to pass. Since my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, the three following pregnancies were anxiety-filled and joy-less.

Thinking about this made me realize something…. The waiting is so hard because the knowledge that comes with our technology makes it difficult to wait…. Because this knowledge makes us feel like maybe we should have some control over the situation… and that makes me not trust in the Lord. [O Lord, help me]

Why is waiting so hard?

Because Facebook tells me that so-and-so’s prayer’s been answered already…. Social media tells me that her son’s doing better than mine is… that they are all winning at life and I’m a loser, baby.

This knowledge (and whether it’s true or not) does to us what Adam and Eve’s eating the fruit in the garden did to them- takes our innocence…. Which takes away our ability to trust the Lord. And if I can’t trust in the Lord, I can’t wait.

So with the new year, this is what I am going to work on…. Not leaning on my own understandings…. Because the Truth is that God is on the other side of all this working it out for our good. And I need to wait.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

when God is silent -or- "are you there, God? It's me-Buffy"

have you turned off all the devices in your house lately and just sat in the silence? it’s a little unsettling and it used to not be like that. These days it seems like my phone is dinging every five minutes and there’s another email alert flashing before my eyes and there’s always something to attend to. And I’m not complaining -I’m just stating a fact that the world is loud and noisy. And even now the television is blaring and the dishwasher is running and there’s a cacophony of sounds from my children. Today we have smart phones and social media and we put information out to the world or reach out to somebody and expect an immediate response. And sometimes when we don’t get an immediate response we freak out. 

That’s called classical conditioning when we expect a response for our behaviors. So we are now so conditioned to expecting a response whenever we perform an act or text or post-- we expect a pat on the back for our acts- we expect a "like" on our Facebook posts- we expect some response and when we don’t get that response we feel ghosted --and for me that’s a very real thing - with the events of my life where I’ve been abandoned and trusting in a higher power and a god that’s going to not leave me is already a hard thing. 

So Sunday at Village church my pastor Jonathan Taylor started his sermon series called Silence and we’re working through what it means when God is silent. He referenced John 11 versus 28 through 37 where Lazarus dies and they have the funeral. And Jesus shows up a couple days later and Mary and Martha are responding to his arrival.
so this is my response to the sermon on Sunday — spoiler alert: there’s no place in the Bible that says being a Christian would be unicorns and rainbows there’s no place that says anything would be easy Jesus Himself says that we would have a hard time.

I am no stranger to storms: metaphorical or real - living in the south, just two days ago we experienced hurricane Michael - we (my little family) recently (and in some ways currently) faced a life storm - 
During this time I’ve been Mary rushing Jesus when He seemingly finally shows up at the funeral of her brother Lazarus and she is asking Him: “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? why didn’t you come sooner?! you could’ve fix this!! you could still fix this!!!” and I totally get where Mary is coming from. I totally understand that she is tired and scared and worried and grieved. And the first point is that it’s awesome that we are able to talk to God in this way -it’s OK- He’s not scared of our emotions and He’s not scared of our questions....

there’s a developmental milestone called object permanence - it’s the knowledge that something exists even when we can’t see it - it’s kind of funny to watch babies develop this sense... but what if we transferred this idea to God? It’s easy to question God's presence with the world being so much louder than His voice - it’s easy to believe what you see with your physical eyes instead of seeing with your heart and with the knowledge of what the Bible says about Christ. 

so our faith is the evidence of things unseen but I think that maybe  object permanence is an instinct that we need to switch over to our spiritual senses where we might not see God but we know He still there. I’ve had people ask me
 "where is your faith? 
why don’t you trust? 
why are you doubting?"

 well I’m human and I’ve had some bad experiences that would make me doubt and not trust... but if the enemy can get us in a place where we turn so far away from God because we don’t hear Him or sense Him or feel Him ... that’s where the enemy wants us ... that’s where we are defeated when we give up. 

So today I am gonna get outside - I believe that God is still around me even if I can’t “feel” Him.... He is in the wind and the trees and the grass... and I’m gonna walk around without shoes on and feel the grass under my feet... and know the God who holds the universe- holds me too. 

And if He holds me, He holds you.


Tuesday, July 10, 2018

dream

the pictures from our reunion popped up on facebook this morning
and I spied my Dream mug on the counter...
at christmas I got this Dream mug as a gift and I felt the Lord tell me I needed to dream again. 
I scoffed at the idea but I was intrigued:
the circumstances of my life lead me to believe that I was not worthy to DREAM. Feelings of unworthiness, for me, comes from abandonments and betrayals. I’m even talking about the ghosting that shouldn’t hurt so bad but it does. The people that I pour in to who just throws the drink back in my face. I’d retreated to tend my wounds.

January, February, March: my youngest started exhibiting strange behaviors and we had to shut down to figure out what was going on.

Anyway I struggled to DREAM- and the plans I made seemed so far-fetched! I just knew I wasn’t going to participate- I knew my friends didn’t really want me around and they were simply tolerating me.... on top of those who ghosted and abandoned me! (p.s. these are lies I know but I struggle with self doubt)

And then. last Sunday. I could see the enemy from around the corner of my Jericho... this Jericho was a strong hold in my life- a building that represented rejection and loathing... bitterness coursed through my veins at the ghosts who haunted the halls.... My husband sat next to me in service. Communion was called and after we dunked the bread, he veered towards the alter and kneeled down. I stood beside him. A friend prayed for us and prayed a prophetic prayer to let us know that the Checker Shoe Band dream was not done and by default the secret dreams of my heart. 
And. Jericho. Fell. Down.

As the dust is settling, I see that with all of our diet changes our family is healthier physically and spiritually... I see my emotional reactions being more level and less reactionary.... I feel better in my thought processes.... My sons’ behaviors have normalized...

So now I dream about this weekend with my girlfriends to celebrate our 40 birthdays... I dream about success for my sons at school... I dream of more opportunities for the Checker Shoe Band... I can dream as a child of the God of the Universe who fought Death, Hell and the Grave for me. and for you. 

See the enemy wants us to look at our circumstances and he says to us: well, your life is not optimal... family and friends are sick, you are sick, bad things are happening in the world, your children are misbehaving, your spouse is distant, your bank account is empty, your house is shabby, your cars are subpar... and everyone is looking at you waiting for you to fail.

Well, today, I say, even if those things are true (and they are not), so what? I’ve got to stop worrying about what people think of me and focus on God’s truth of who I am in Him. And the truth of who He is. And recognize the people in my life who truly have my back and let the rest go. 

Keep marching around your Jericho.
Walk.
Run if you can.
Crawl if you must.

And one day you will get the call to stop and shout praises.

And the walls will come down by His mighty hand. 

Sunday, July 1, 2018

jericho

jericho
sometimes
you just have to keep
walking
run when you can
walk when you can
crawl when you have to
SHOUT at the wall 
to
   come
            tumbling
                          down
    in His Name 
jericho.

“you ain’t from around here, huh?”
that’s another way to say “you don’t belong.”
I’ve “not belonged” for 18 years now.
I’ve never felt I belonged even in my home town.
until Christ Community invited me to jump in the River
then God told us to move with the plant
it’s not till this moment that God was asking me to let Him plant me
back in the very community that said 
“you ain’t from around here, huh?”
Naw
I ain’t from around here.
I grew up in a trailer park in South Mississippi.
I’m still paying off student loans.
My earthly father rejected me.
every day I realize more and more how much I do not have figured out.
I’ve never been more uncomfortable than I have this past year coming to this particular place. Ichobad? I wanted to leave and not return. Nope: this is my Jericho- my sons’ birth rights. Our Canaan. 
I don’t have it figured out yet. I don’t know what or why or how.
I am Esther.
I am Joshua.
I am Rahab.
Running.
Walking.
Shouting.
Crawling.
Keep on.
He has marched around the hard wall of my heart 
and the walls 
fall
down



Saturday, March 24, 2018

everyday I'm strugglin' -or- revelations at 40

So.
If you encounter me on a day to day basis, you know how stressed and strained I've been. And I've not always responded as graciously as maybe I should have. I've been uninspired and run down.

We've got this big thing in our lives that we are strugglin' to get a handle on and it's our health.
May be no big deal to you.
Maybe you're like "what's the deal?"

Well, like most struggles, this one is mine. And I swear, the universe is conspiring against me on this one.... like the enemy wants to keep me and mine down and he is doing a lot to keep us down. I heard a DJ on the radio reiterate how the enemy is actively working to bring us as Christians down. And, also, sometimes the Lord brings situations to our lives as a way of refining behaviors and thought-patterns in us.

This season of my life feels like it's like a dissertation for your master's degree: you write a paper, submit it, it gets sent back with marks and corrections that are needed.

I also think that sometimes we forget that we are human beings prone to mistakes and missteps. And giving ourselves grace and give others grace is hard when we are moving at such a wicked fast pace.

Maybe it's stupid of me to show the enemy my hand... admit my struggles so publicly.... but....

But I know that I wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers of darkness...
I know that the battle belongs to the Lord and the victory is His.
I know that He forgives my sins.
I know that I am His.

I am set to run my first 5k next week.
I'm nervous. I know I am going to mess up.
But I'm gonna try at least. Which is what I do every day. Show up. Do the best I can. Pray that the Lord will fill in the gaps.
I've never boasted that I'm a good Christian...
Only that I serve a Great God.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

rest for the weary -or- 2017 in review

June 24, 2017
Matthew 11:28-30 New International Version (NIV)

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I've been called to a season of rest.

I've been off work for a week and a half and now I'm looking around for something to do. I mean I've got plenty to do but I am resting. 

And I'm reflecting. about myself. and I've seen things about me that I don't like a whole whole lot. Which is cool. I mean, God does that from time to time. 

But when everything is still and quiet in my mind, a few things happen:
1) we can see all the beauty that surrounds us
2) we can take time to reset bad habits
3) we can face the demons plaguing us

January 9, 2018.
I never published this. From April til now, I've not written anything.
Summer came and went.
We faced some disappointments. nothing tragic. just not what we thought.
The fall was hard.
At Thanksgiving I decided I'd train to run a 5k for my 40th birthday- I'm learning a lot from that.

Christmas was busy. but good.

New Year's Eve brought a lot of reset.... I needed to reset. So I have.
Running is helping me get stuff off my mind.

so 2017 was underwhelming.
But the constant was Jesus. We were able to get some things on track. Nothing epic happened. And that's okay.
I'll take what I've learned into 2018.
as long as Jesus is there.