Saturday, May 21, 2011

Buffy: The Musical

What would my life look like if Universal Studios made it into a movie?

When I was 16 years old, my friend died in a car accident.  My life changed in a hundred different ways.  I refused to drive a car.  I retreated from all my friends.  And I swore that, since I now knew how short life could be, that I would make sure that every day I did something to make a difference in this world.  Many years, medications, counseling sessions and divine interventions from the Lord, I now drive, I work to confront the problems around me... but I still swear to myself every day that I will make a difference in this world.

And I'm not fishing for compliments when I say that... It's just something that I feel passionate about... it's part of my personal theology... that a way to honor and glorify God is to make a difference for Him... to be His hands and feet... to comfort those who are hurting...

So I saw The King's Speech this week because one of the main characters is a speech therapist, like me.  (Apart from the cursing) I was inspired and encouraged as I watched Logue face challenges like I do with clients.

But I did start to think: what would my life look like as a movie?  Would it be a serious drama like "The King's Speech"?  Where the main characters are triumphant over the challenges they face?
Would it be a comedy? Like an Adam Sandler comedy?  Pointless, but good entertainment along the way.
Would it be an epic?  Like The Lord of the Rings trilogy?  
Or would it be a musical like "My Fair Lady" (which is also based on a pioneer in the field of Speech-Language Pathology: Henry Sweet)?  Where the main character learns some valuable lesson while feeling superior to those he is helping... that he's really the one helped out in the end? 

I'm not looking for answers, really... only to facilitate some thinking... that if we lived our lives in such a way that it might be made into a movie one day... would we do anything different?  If we lived in such a way that every little thing we do is to glorify God, how would it be different?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

cat on a hot tin roof

So tonight's post isn't about me trying to be a better Christian, but trying to be a whole Christian... I am on a path towards WHOLE-i-ness...

And this weekend marks an anniversary for me of an event that broke me and shattered me into a million little pieces.  A few weeks ago, Keith (my pastor) remarked that some events in our lives (divorce, namely) amputates a family, and indeed, the events of this weekend so long ago, left me practically quartered.  But unlike mythical creatures that can regenerate body parts, my spiritual body did not regenerate quite so easily...  Much to the chagrin of fellow Christians...  A magic pill alluded me for many years and people's disappointment at my lack of healing just sent me further down the rabbit hole.  Scriptures and cliches were thrown at me with the hopes that something would stick, but my depression and despair deflected the words.  I was too young to have the coping mechanism to grieve gracefully and I was bleeding out spiritually.

Eleven (yes, I am ashamed to say that even eleven long years doesn't numb the pain)- Eleven years ago, my life was turned on its ear.  I sit here, alone, with old movies playing on my television in the background and I am no longer afraid to feel the pain of the loss all over again.  It's at least bearable.  I don't know that the pain will ever go away... mostly the pain is over the things that can never be.  Most days I can keep a flat affect and shrug my shoulders over it, but I won't make myself tonight.  I've got a feeling that many feel pain over these holidays... and we work really hard to put a smile on our faces and bite back the tears.  But I'll share that I can't ever be "over" it.  I'll always miss him and I'll always love him, regardless of how badly he hurt me and despite what others think that I feel over the matter.  Is this what true forgiveness feels like?  Well, that, for sure, is a theological debate that I can't wrestle with tonight.

It took me a long time to be at peace with the situation the way it is... it was a long process and the Lord was very patient with me during this time.  He sent many wonderful people to love me and give me some perspective.  And He gave me the strength to stand up for myself in a graceful way.

In recent years, while I allow myself to feel this pain and raise a metaphorical glass to what was and what will never be, I have come to a place where the Lord has taken these painful moments and turned them into moments to celebrate.  The dichotomy is hard to swallow, but I do think it is important to be thankful for all the things that I do have... and that for a moment in time, I thought I wouldn't be allowed to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother... for a moment in my life, I thought I'd never have a husband whose birthday I would get to celebrate.  And for this year, I get to do both all in one day as well as celebrate my own wonderful mother... is this what "joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) means?  "Though He slays me, yet will I hope in Him..." (Job 13: 15)???


"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." - Psalm 23: 4-6

So for you reading this, take heart.  I do not pause to gloat... I pause to celebrate with the prayer that the Lord will show Himself to you like He has shown Himself to me... to thank Him for not leaving me in the mud and mire... "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34: 18

"Praise be to the Lord, for He showed His wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city.  In my alarm I said, 'I am cut off from Your sight!'  Yet You heard my cry for mercy when I called to You for help." - Psalm 31: 21-22

All of this reminds me of a scene from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," during which Brick is taunting his wife Maggie and continues in his attempts to push her away.  He said to her, "What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?"  and she says, "Just staying on it, I guess, long as she can."  Sometimes we just have to hang on...


May you, brokenhearted beloved, find Him in your pain... find the strength to hang on... may you feel His loving arms wrap around you... may you feel Him bind your wounds and give you a reason to sing His praises...

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

faulty gods

So two Facebook posts today spurred this post tonight...  Recent events cause me to sit back and consult Scriptures more.  While I have been through more tragic events then what I've been dealing with in the past few months, I am forced to return to lessons I learned during those difficult times.

Lesson One:  during the weeks after I lost my first pregnancy to a miscarriage, Heath and I had many, many theological debates on the practice of praying for God's will and then expecting our desires to be carried out.  And about how giving ourselves up to God's design was so very difficult at that moment.  During one of our tirades, Heath looked at me and said, "but you know it's not that we serve a faulty god, it's that our theology is faulty..."  Well, that stopped me in my tracks and made all the horrible things that people said to me kind of make sense as to why they felt the license to be so bold and so wrong all at the same time.

Lesson Two:  this one, I've just kinda recently touched upon (and ties in to Lesson One)... but I was reminded of it tonight... My "I'm just a sign post" saying... which has given me more freedom to serve Him recently.  Despite my mistakes, my issues, my generational curses, my insecurities, my second-guessing, He doesn't change... hasn't changed... and He won't change.  He is who He said He was and He does not need me to be perfect to make Him any more than what He already is...