It says Fruit of the Spirit not the Fruit of Buffy

yesterday, our pastor asked on facebook what were we using to motivate ourselves to keep our goals and I wrote this:  " I took Hank to the doctor this morning for a well-child visit and pulling up into the parking lot the d.j. on the radio read Galatians 5:22-23- the Fruit of the Spirit verse which is a cornerstone verse for our family and for our ministry- but it struck me as he read through the list: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and SELF-CONTROL- the list seems to get increasingly difficult for me to maintain... but since this is the Fruit of the SPIRIT and not the Fruit of Buffy, then I can rely on the Holy Spirit to bear this fruit in me."

And just as I posted that, the bottom fell out.  The boys got disobedient and I got emotional.  Oh my.  Do I need some work.   I made my apologies to everyone. I mean I doubt they even remember it now but I felt like poop.  I know everyone loses it from time to time and we can't be perfect parent all the time. But I don't like how the enemy is taking my mistake and rubbing my nose in it.  I am not proud that I responded emotionally to their disobedience.  But I did.  Lord, help.  Lord, forgive me.

The fruit of the Spirit list is SO HARD FOR ME. From the beginning to the end.  And each fruit gets harder and harder for me as I progress through the list.

But see- there I go- "so hard for me." (Uhm, McFly, this is not about you."  Fruit of the Spirit ... Not fruit of Buffy.

Lord help.

'hello, God, are You there? it's me again- Much-Afraid' - or - the Bishop's Baby

I ran into an old friend today.  She was one of my first friends here in Columbus, Ga.  She was there for many of the life events that bullet the list of my life.  We had a few minutes to catch up.  She asked what Heath was up to.  "Weeeellll," I started and embarked on a 20 minute story about all the projects he had.  I ended with "Seriously, it's like all the dreams are coming true."

I had never said that before.  (And how many people can say that?)

She said, "it sounds like all the dreams are coming true... all the dreams that y'all had on our couch during community group years ago...yes, all those dreams are coming true... because you weren't scared... you aren't scared to just go after it..."

What I didn't get a chance to tell her is that bravery does not always equal fearlessness... and quite frankly, I didn't ever for one minute have to be confident in my own abilities - I just had to trust God and stand here with my hands open.  And honestly, I didn't know where grocery money was coming from sometimes, but right at the right moment, Heath would get a call for a gig and we'd have grocery money.  I don't say that to shame Heath or myself, but to say following God's will and saying "Yes" to a dream means being scared the majority of the time.  The luxury I have now is that I've been saying "Yes" to God for a while now- 14 and a half years- and for 14 and a half years, God's pulled through every time.  He's proved Himself- so I don't have to be afraid any more.  Seriously, when I pray, sometimes I start, "Hello, God.  Are You there?  It's me again- Much-Afraid."  And like Hurnard's Much-Afraid (of Hinds' Feet on High Places), I run to the foot of the mountain to meet with my Jesus because I CAN'T NOT DO THAT.  I am COMPELLED.  

What is amazing- as we wait for the DVD of this new series called "Well, Well, Well" (or "the Bishop's baby" is what I called it before we had a set title)- is that, we can't sit here and pride ourselves on doing any great thing for the Lord.  I mean, all my life, all I wanted was do some great thing for God.  
I said during church camp every summer, "Lord, I'll go to Africa for you!"  He said, "no." 
I said, "Lord, I want to be married."  The Lord said, "wait."
And I agonized over wanting to do some great thing for Him because He had done so great a thing for me on the Cross.
So I waited.
He told me to go to a punk rock show at a church. I said, "why not?" (He was on the other end telling Heath to go to Hattiesburg, MS and do a punk rock show 350 miles away with no money guarantee and Heath said, "Yes.")
God said, "marry Heath."  I said, "yes."
So many closed doors along the way once I moved up here.  So many "no"-s.  Some said in love- some said in strife.
Then Heath came to me: "uhm, the Lord wants me to get ordained." I said, "okay." - but in the back of my head, I'm scared thinking "Lord, what are You gonna do with me as a preacher's wife?  You KNOW I'm not a preacher's wife!  I have tattoos and I'm coarse and unlovely and I can't play the piano."  But I eventually got over myself and said, "Yes."
Then "God wants me to start a puppet band."  I said, "huh?"  God wants us to start a puppet band and sing about Jesus for kids.  I laughed a little at the absurdity.  But I said, "yes."
Then "So we need to put this on film and get it out to television stations so that kids can hear about Jesus."  I said, "so you're gonna be a televangelist!?"  We laughed. But I said, "Yes."
Every "Yes" brought us closer and closer and closer to 2015.  Apparently, Heath and I have a reputation for doing crazy stuff and being "out there" and I'll take that as a compliment. And as we wait for the proof of the physical DVD for "Well, Well, Well," I can't wait to hold it in my hand as we have done with so many projects before.  And every time, I realize that there is no great thing that I can do for Him- nothing that could make up for His sacrifice on the Cross. 
  
And I realize that it's no longer about the great thing that I can do FOR Him, but it's the fact that every "yes" has brought me to a place where I see Him do great things.  

What is your heart tugging at you to say "yes" to? What are you afraid of that's holding you in one place? 

I have never claimed to be a great Christian;
I only claim to serve a Great God.