abide -

I'm not gonna lie.

I have been stretched and pulled and challenged more these past 10 months in ways that I have never been stretched and pulled and challenged before.

Being a working mom has its special set of challenges.
And I won't get into a mommy war over the comments I make here.
Being a parent- mom or dad- an involved parent- takes time and energy- whether you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom... and each situation has a different set of challenges. I won't begin to guess at the challenges of staying at home day in and out because I am in a unique position of doing both: I work at the school district so I do get summer off. And I love it all.

If anything, I am battle worn- which happens a lot since I am an introvert and really get my energy from having alone time. And I am in some new territory.

I am going from a household of young children and infants to school-aged children and a toddler.

I am realizing that what's mistaken for the wish to keep my children young is really fear of the unknown. Fear that they are out of my reach. Fear that I can't control what people say to them. Fear that they will make the wrong choices.

I worry a lot about a lot of things. My prayers are pretty much my worries.
And the Lord is gracious to hear my prayers.

Recently, the word "abide" came to me several times in a day- from Facebook memes to conversations- this verse specifically-  John 15:5 Jesus says, "I am the vine, you are the branches- he who abides in me and I in him, bears much fruit- for apart from Me, you can do nothing" (NASB)

The word ABIDE struck me. So I looked up the definition: to stay or continue; to remain."

This brought to mind another verse: Psalm 46:5 "God is within her- she will not fail."

Strong words. A strong promise.

I just watched the Rogue One trailer again because I am such a Star Wars nerd... and a clip at the end struck me.... "if you continue to fight, what will you become?"
That could be taken a lot of ways - if you keep fighting, will you be come hard? Will you become what you are fighting?
Or will I become what I'm meant to be?
I'm staring at the blinking cursor waiting for an answer- I know that what I'm meant to be is in God's hands- and all I have is this moment- this moment of decision-

Will I keep fighting the Good Fight? Am I afraid of what people will think of me? Of what the fight will cost me?

Maybe.

But what will I miss out on if I don't fight?
again, you stupid blinking cursor, waiting for me to answer... I. don't. know.

But He does.
And I can rest in that.
I can rest in knowing I dedicated my sons to Him in a ceremony at the church when they were each three months old.

We. are. His.

Abide.

mother's day prayer

these children don't know it's Mother's Day and they're actin' up! lol! oh well- 

the fall of us all is the picture in our head of how things are SUPPOSED to be! 

so: here's to the messes, the detours, the sleepless nights, the lost figure, the achy backs, the defiance, the losses, the gains, the smiles, the laughter and the kisses-  

Lord, give me the stength to be Momma to this frat club You gave me- Let me be worthy of this call- Go before me and stay behind me to clean up the mess I make with them- Protect them when I'm not with them- Let them know You as they grow. Amen.

"so we meet again" -or- inside out

The biggest challenge of being a mom is keeping my feelings bottled up because there's so much to do in this season of my life... I've started and stopped writing this a few times to pull Mr. 2 year old off the counter.

If you know me, you know Mother's Day is a mixture of celebration and grieving. 

but Grief is a trickster. She comes out of no where and at such unexpected times. There are some of life's circumstances that cause pain but not much damage.

Then there are events that not only destroy the trajectory of your life but damage the very fabric of who you are. 

I can't explain why I even think about it- I can't help it coming to mind. I'd really rather I just never think about it again. But there it is- two tragic events staining a hallmark holiday. And as I think of my own pain, I remember others: single moms, moms who gave their children to others through adoption, the empty nester, the mom whose baby is in Heaven, the woman who could not conceive, the woman who has a broken relationship with her child... 

Being a Mom is mostly about the struggle- wrestling with my own insecurities and faults and failures. 

This isn't easy: celebrating and grieving at the same time- but it's do-able. And it's okay.

You know you are alive because you feel-- I don't know who coined that but I keep thinking this.

Also, the word ABIDE keeps coming to mind... just staying close to Jesus and praying He takes these struggles and is able to spin a story of His grace and love and of hope and redemption. In all the areas of my life.

So, I celebrate with those who celebrate and I see you who mourn with me this Sunday. 

We got this because He's got this.