Tuesday, July 26, 2011

work in progress

So it's not been earth-shattering in the "revelation" department... and sometimes it's not... sometimes God is just there... seemingly not at work... but the older I get, the more I realize that just when I think God is not paying attention to me, well, He really is paying attention to me.

This week, God's been bringing to mind Scriptures that my mom made me memorize as a kid... yes, she did and I am so glad that she did!  Psalm 23 is a passage that we memorized one summer.  And He's also reminded me of that double rainbow that He put in the sky the day that Hero was born. 

And I'm realizing more and more of my limitations... basically, just that I'd love to save the world, but I am limited to a 24 hour day. 

So the revelation for this southern girl is just some basic truths... good, solid theology:
--That Jesus loves me very, very much and I see that every day through the love of my husband and little boy
--That He is ALWAYS with me- that regardless of how I feel or how I act or the mistakes I make, it doesn't change who He is and will be
--That just because I am disappointed in how things turn out, He hugs me and loves me anyway
--I am a work in progress and Jesus is okay with that

Friday, July 15, 2011

sometimes He's quiet

This has been an interesting week for me.  My body and mind are exhausted from the first full week back at work.  My heart is full with all the good things in my life.  But this week has been relatively quiet- spiritually speaking.  Ten days ago, I attended Eminent Worship and Sunday I sang with the worship team... it was a loud week (but wonderful to be immersed in His presence).

And this week's been on the quiet end... came up against some disappointing moments- moments that's made me question a lot but nothing earth-shattering....  But I realized tonight, how quiet God had been.

You know that I talk for a living... as a speech-language pathologist, ALL I do ALL day long is talk... because one of the things about working with kids who have difficulty speaking is that someone needs to speak for them on their behalf outside of the physicality of teaching these kiddos how to communicate.  It's strange that I'm in this field because I'm not much of a talker by nature- which people sometimes take the wrong way... like my husband:  after a long day, if I'm not talking much once I get home, he sometimes ask if I'm angry... when in truth, I am just tired of talking.

I wonder if that's how it is with God-- I often jump to the "oh, maybe He's mad at me" conclusion when maybe there just isn't anything to say... or maybe He wants me to see Him in a different way- without the thunderbolts and writing on the wall.  I don't know if God is just sitting back and chuckling to Himself, letting His actions speak instead... maybe He's just letting me rest after the over-stimulation or if it's just one of those times where words are not necessary in a relationship- knowing that He's there is sometimes enough... tonight's been one of those nights... I don't really need anything from Him... I just need to know that He's here...

So how do you respond when God's quiet?  Do you bum-rush Him and flail around for a sensational moment at the alter?  Do you run away- assuming that He's angry and doesn't want anything to do with you?  Or do you sit quietly at His feet and just relish in the knowledge that we are His?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

God's not a Slot Machine

So when did the casinos go up on the Mississippi Gulf Coast?  Sometime between my senior year of high school and when I hit college, I think... I remember riding down with my friends when I was in undergrad school and looking at the boring blank coast landscape change into flashing bright lights and enormous buildings... So it had to be sometime in my last few years of high school that those buildings went up.

I bring up the casinos on the Coast because it was a hot-button issue when they were being built and because one of the things that irks me as a Christian is this "God-is-a-slot-machine" theology... you know the one: give God your money and you will get more back... like He's some cosmic investing company.  Or pray a certain kind of prayer and God will do your biding.  I'm not trying to cast stones here, really-- if this kind of theology works for you: amazing... it has never, ever, never worked for me... But I bring this up only to make a point about the revelation I had today.  I don't know if there is a name for this kind of theology, but I call it "God IS a slot machine."  Because my rebuttal is "MY God IS NOT a slot machine."  There are scriptures that the "Slot Machine-ers" use to justify their claims and ideas, but the practice is disjointed and inconsistent and out of context.  And full of disappointment: makes one wonder why He doesn't respond to our prayers when we pray out of selfishness and out of what we want... like He's forsaken us... but it's just that we are missing out really on the whole entire point...

I go back to "it's not a faulty God that we serve, it's our faulty theology..."

So today, July 10, 2011, at Christ Community Church, worship service-- there was something about how the lights changed on the stage at two different times during two different songs:
First song was "Awakening," when we sang these lyrics: 
Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice, and this is my awakening!

[and I thought, O, the sweet sound of His voice!  That's all I want out of life is to hear Him in my life!  All I need is His presence... and everything else will be taken care of!]
Awakening  [click on the link to hear the song]

The other song was "O, how He loves us!"  Again, the combination of the lights and these words:
He is jealous for me - Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy- When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me...
[and I thought, if we could all understand the depth and consistency of God's love for us... if we could get it, and be done with all the negative words that have been spoken to us over our life time... if we get that this is how much He loves us... what freedom!  what peace!  what joy!]
Oh, How He Loves Us So

If we got these truths about God, we wouldn't be so disappointed when He doesn't answer our prayers or respond to us like we think He should....  God is not a slot machine...

You all know what kind of troll I can be day-to-day... you all know how I freak out over stuff... you all know about my anger and depression issues...but I hope that you also know that the kind of God that I serve is revealing Himself to be gracious even to this troll... and if He is gracious to me, why not to you?

Friday, July 8, 2011

walking on water

God's will for my life has always been one of those mind blowing issues in Christianity.  It's not a new concept to me although it really blew everyone's mind when Warren came out with Purpose Driven Life a few years back (good book, by the way).  Although the concept of God speaking to us, blows some of our minds... this leaves room for so much bad theology and bad mentoring, that I finally got a picture of what "following God's will" looks like...

Sometimes our journey through life as a Christian is like this-- I am brought to the bank of a river... and God points to the other side and says "See the other side there?  I want you to get over there."  I clap my hands in delight and dive in, headlong, not looking around, just diving right in.  But 10 steps in, my feet fall out from under me and the current starts to sweep me away... so I cry out to the Lord, and He rescues me... sets me back on the bank where I started. 

So I'm disappointed, upset... for a variety of reasons.... but I ask the Lord again, "are You sure You want me over there?" 
"Yes."
"okay... so let me make up a game plan," I say to myself.  And set to work.

so this time, I try again with a raft that I built out of sticks lying by the creek bank.  And at the middle of the river, the raft sinks.  Again, He rescues me.

A few days later, I decide to build a bridge... so I gather up logs and try to make a bridge... fail...

Okay maybe I can fly across... but that attempt failed too...

And at this point, I am beyond confused and hurt and just wondering why God told me to do something that I can't accomplish... so I sit on the bank and sulk... for a while...

So eventually, I make it back around to talking to the Lord and I says, "Okay, God... so You still want me to do this thing?"

He says, "Yes."
Several of my plans had failed... so I said, "Okay, so how 'bout You get me there...?  I can't figure this one out." 

And He takes my hand, and we step out on the water... and He walks me across... and all the while, He is talking with me and laughing and showing me all the beauty along the river... until we reach our destination.  And even once we reach our destination, He doesn't leave... He sits with me and works beside me...

so you see, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey and what we do along the way... the only thing about reaching a goal is that we look for the next goal... Maybe I'm completely off base, but this is my revelation for the week... Joy for the Journey... Leaning on the Everlasting Arms....